Top Ten New Year's Questions

Wishing you and yours a most happy, healthy and fulfilling 2009!

Rather than getting stuck with the idea of making resolutions for the New Year (and the attendant guilt of not fulfilling them), try, "Makin' a list and checkin' it twice", by asking these questions as 2009 approaches:

1. In what SPECIFIC ways do you plan to make 2009 different than 2008?

2. What "unfinished business" do I really want to complete (not what someone else thinks you should do)?

3. What are my top five accomplishments this year (include both major and minor achievements)?

4. What are the three things that were the most fun and brought the greatest pleasure?

5. What were the most/least enjoyable things I did? Why?

6. Which things presented the greatest difficulties or obstacles? How did I deal with them or rectify the situation?

7. In what concrete way(s) did I make a difference or significant contribution? List them.

8. How will I keep track of my progress- journal, computer tracking, and accountability buddy, coach, etc?

9. Who is the person(s) who has had the greatest impact on my life this past year? Do I foresee the significance of this relationship continuing during 2009? Why or why not?

10. What are the things for which you're grateful (from the mundane to the sublime)?

And remember, taking action is the catalyst for change!

Back-Up Bonuses

Never underestimate the importance of having back-up plans. Rather than being wedded to specific outcomes, try having one or more additional ideas of how you can meet your needs or objectives if all does not go exactly according to schedule.

What do you do when things don’t work out just the way they were “supposed to”? Do you pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and start all over again, considering (often, thought about in advance), how a Plan B (or C), might get the job done?

• Spending a great deal of time spent re-hashing what didn’t work rather than giving some additional or different ideas a try?

• Are you often left feeling like a victim? If so, it’s definitely time to think about several options you might reasonably consider, remembering that perfection (in this case, the perfect plan), rarely exists and can be a great excuse for doing nothing!

• Think about instances in which your initial arrangements fell through, but the plan you then instituted turned out to be the better one. Keep a list of these situations and outcomes, as they probably have occurred more frequently than you realized.

• Enlist feedback from trusted friends, family, colleagues, etc. to gather their input and suggestions for things you might change, incorporate, or discard from your initial ideas or concepts.

• Do research- find out how experts and other savvy sources on the subject/problem you’re considering have handled similar situations -list the pros and cons of the advice being given?

• Are you permitting yourself the right to change your mind? Whether mid-way through a chartered course, or even once completed, if it hasn’t worked out the way envisioned, what new approaches can now be considered and instituted?

• What areas of your life may need some re-planning and creative approaches to problem solving?

And remember, taking action is the catalyst for change!

Misery Loves Too Much Company

A recent study conducted at the University of Missouri-Columbia, indicated that spending an inordinate amount of time dwelling on problems can have serious negative effects, including depression, anxiety and hypertension. Although this study focused on “co-ruminating” (excessive discussion and re-hashing of problems, accentuating negative feelings without taking steps to ameliorate the dilemmas), between girls, the consequences can be deleterious at any age.

If you find yourself or a friend drifting toward a co-ruminating pattern, consider these alternatives:

• The difference between reflection and brooding- airing and analyzing problems (and often finding solutions), can be therapeutic and cathartic, while revisiting issues, ad nauseum, ensures stagnation.

• Create opportunities to be proactive and participate in positive activities-volunteer, take walks, exercise, do crafts, listen to or play music, etc.

• Is technology exacerbating the problem? Unrelenting communication, allowing everyone in a “group” to add their "two-cents worth", and dissecting every thought and utterance can actually lead to further disengagement from problem-solving and accentuate depressed moods.

• Is the communication ultimately more selfish than social? Rather than focusing on resolving the issues, the problem is kept alive, with all the energy and focus directed toward the ruminator(s).

• Adroitly convey the message that it’s time to move on- don’t get sucked in to yet another discussion on the same theme; be prepared to focus on other (upbeat) topics or suggest ideas about things to do together.

• Time to assess the relationship-what, besides constant commiseration, do you have in common? Is the bond enhancing or diminishing, and can the interaction be changed?

And remember, taking action is the catalyst for change!

Countering Automatic Negative Thoughts (ANTS)

Automatic Negative Thoughts (ANTS) are automatic largely because they have recurred many times over one's lifetime. Significant emotional experiences during childhood or adolescence intensify these responses, so the likelihood of them disappearing overnight is between slim and none!

ANT elimination therefore requires repeated counter-attacks. Placing them under the "microscope" reveals them to be untrue and counter-productive. Try asking yourself these questions:

*Evidence: What is the objective evidence for this ANT?

*Exaggeration: Is this ANT an exaggeration? Am I over-reacting?

*Am I over-generalizing?

*Alternatives: What are some other possible explanations? How would a scientist or impartial observer explain this?

*Flexibility: Can I evaluate this situation in less rigid terms? Am I thinking in overly rigid, black- or-white, all-or-none terms?

*Helps or harms: Is this belief enhancing or diminishing?

*Comparison: How have others fared in similar situations?

*Changing Places: How would I evaluate other people who acted as I did?

And remember, taking action is the catalyst for change!

Are You In Love With Your Assumptions?

Convictions, principles, ethical decisions and moral boundaries are
essential to living a life based upon integrity and honesty.
However, it is also important to consider that growth in all areas of
our lives is often based upon being open-minded, willing to consider
new ideas, introspection, and examining biases and cherished
assumptions.

Give yourself permission to re-evaluate some ideas,
beliefs, suppositions, etc. which might be hampering your openness to
different ways of looking at the world?

•Make a list of 10 (or more) things of which you are absolutely
certain. Now ask yourself if there is any way you could have been
mistaken about your conclusions? Have you continued to get the
necessary information/confirmation to validate these cherished
assumptions?

•What are your "sticking points"- those areas that get your dander
up, bog you down and make you resistant to re-thinking and acquiring
in new information?

•If you are so much in love with your assumptions, has it made you
seem rigid and unapproachable to others?

•Have you gotten stuck in focusing on results, not being present (and
able to appreciate) the "process" and the spontaneity that unfolds?

•Are you missing the forest for the trees? – focusing on minutiae
instead of the bigger picture?

•The importance of knowing when to walk away- this is as true for
treasured beliefs as it is situations and relationships that are
detrimental to well-being and self knowledge.

And remember, taking action is the catalyst for change!

Catalytic Converters

No, this Tip isn't about car engines, but rather about what it takes
to be an innovator, "converting" others to embrace uncharted
visions and setting new trends. Why is it that individuals or
organizations that start off as trail blazers seem to run out of
inspiration, design and creativity after such dazzling beginnings?
Whether at home or at the office, what helps or hinders unique
viewpoints to flourish? In order to nurture and encourage those
qualities, inherent in innovative minds, consider these musings:

• The "curse of knowledge"- experts become insulated, associating
with other authorities in their field, unable to remember a time when
they didn't know what they know, and incapable of effectively
communicating their knowledge to others.

• Core messages are concrete and readily conveyed- to the
uninitiated, the use of jargon, acronyms and an alphabet soup of
letters denoting various titles and labels is off-putting and
confusing.

• What type of "culture" has been established – one that rewards
novel ideas and taking chances, or an oppressive climate that prizes
conformity, compliance and not asking questions?

• Visionaries are rarely motivated by standard goals or pursuing a
life path deemed acceptable for them - they single-mindedly and
passionately persevere in achieving their dreams and are undaunted by
uncertainty.

• Failure often becomes a motivating factor, promoting more
opportunities and out of the box thinking.

• Influencers/Early Adopters/Transformers readily surround themselves
with bright and talented individuals, establishing a team which
further motivates and inspires original and ingenious ideas.

• Strategic planning is a mainstay - long-term thinking rather than
short-term gain is employed in bringing their visions to fruition,
using a variety of networks to gain adherents for their plans.

• Renaissance thinkers are passionate about their ideas, are inner-
directed, and revel in creating new paradigms.

• Risk takers enjoy shaking up the existing order- they are generally
rule breakers by nature.

And remember, taking action is the catalyst for change!

A Baker's Dozen For Cultivating Charisma

What are those seemingly ineffable qualities that make some individuals so thoroughly appealing and captivating, always drawing others to them? These skills, aptitudes and capabilities are often part of a life-long learning curve, continually practiced and perfected, as evidenced by the adage that, "leaders are made, not born".

Is it possible to learn to exude an air of self-confidence that enhances winning abilities, traits and personal magic? To increase your personal magnetism, read on:

1. Convey optimism, zeal and excitement, minimizing passivity and negativity, incorporating these traits into clear goals.

2. Concentrate on being a good and interested listener. Focus on really communicating with others rather than being self absorbed and be unafraid to express genuine emotions.

3. Never underestimate the power of eye contact – it's disconcerting, discounting and disrespectful not to look someone in the eye when speaking to them.

4. Read, read, read-be constantly open to new ideas, knowledge and learning. Become an expert in your profession or area of interest.

5. Incorporate a varied, descriptive and powerful vocabulary into your everyday language; practice and enhance your writing skills.

6. Don't have a hand shake like a wet noodle; conversely, don't paralyze someone when shaking their hand!

7. Great posture broadcasts great confidence. Think about the messages your body language conveys. Does it mesh with the image you want to transmit?

8. In all situations, treat people respectfully and as equals- by making others feel special, you set an example about the way you expect to be treated.

9. Never dress like a shlep! Even in non-business situations, cleanliness, care, neatness and style (which does not have to be au courant) are essential.

10. Relish (and share) an appreciation for the ridiculous. Make use of humor whenever humanly possible and always remember to smile and have fun!

11. Eliminate "foot-in-mouth disease"- think before speaking and be cognizant when a brief comment, or no comment at all, may be most sagacious. Appropriately convey understanding, empathy and genuine interest.

12. Learn from great actors, trial lawyers, orators, etc., observing their gestures, tone of voice, timing, conviction, etc. when they communicate with others. An acting class or public speaking group can be invaluable and fun.

13. Bolster the self confidence and allure of others by being a ready resource for those seeking your advice, guidance and expertise.


And remember, taking action is the catalyst for change!

A Baker's Dozen For Cultivating Charisma

What are those seemingly ineffable qualities that make some individuals so thoroughly appealing and captivating, always drawing others to them? These skills, aptitudes and capabilities are often part of a life-long learning curve, continually practiced and perfected, as evidenced by the adage that, "leaders are made, not born".

Is it possible to learn to exude an air of self-confidence that enhances winning abilities, traits and personal magic? To increase your personal magnetism, read on:

1. Convey optimism, zeal and excitement, minimizing passivity and negativity, incorporating these traits into clear goals.

2. Concentrate on being a good and interested listener. Focus on really communicating with others rather than being self absorbed and be unafraid to express genuine emotions.

3. Never underestimate the power of eye contact – it's disconcerting, discounting and disrespectful not to look someone in the eye when speaking to them.

4. Read, read, read-be constantly open to new ideas, knowledge and learning. Become an expert in your profession or area of interest.

5. Incorporate a varied, descriptive and powerful vocabulary into your everyday language; practice and enhance your writing skills.

6. Don't have a hand shake like a wet noodle; conversely, don't paralyze someone when shaking their hand!

7. Great posture broadcasts great confidence. Think about the messages your body language conveys. Does it mesh with the image you want to transmit?

8. In all situations, treat people respectfully and as equals- by making others feel special, you set an example about the way you expect to be treated.

9. Never dress like a shlep! Even in non-business situations, cleanliness, care, neatness and style (which does not have to be au courant) are essential.

10. Relish (and share) an appreciation for the ridiculous. Make use of humor whenever humanly possible and always remember to smile and have fun!

11. Eliminate "foot-in-mouth disease"- think before speaking and be cognizant when a brief comment, or no comment at all, may be most sagacious. Appropriately convey understanding, empathy and genuine interest.

12. Learn from great actors, trial lawyers, orators, etc., observing their gestures, tone of voice, timing, conviction, etc. when they communicate with others. An acting class or public speaking group can be invaluable and fun.

13. Bolster the self confidence and allure of others by being a ready resource for those seeking your advice, guidance and expertise.


And remember, taking action is the catalyst for change!

A Baker's Dozen For Cultivating Charisma

What are those seemingly ineffable qualities that make some individuals so thoroughly appealing and captivating, always drawing others to them? These skills, aptitudes and capabilities are often part of a life-long learning curve, continually practiced and perfected, as evidenced by the adage that, "leaders are made, not born".

Is it possible to learn to exude an air of self-confidence that enhances winning abilities, traits and personal magic? To increase your personal magnetism, read on:

1. Convey optimism, zeal and excitement, minimizing passivity and negativity, incorporating these traits into clear goals.

2. Concentrate on being a good and interested listener. Focus on really communicating with others rather than being self absorbed and be unafraid to express genuine emotions.

3. Never underestimate the power of eye contact – it's disconcerting, discounting and disrespectful not to look someone in the eye when speaking to them.

4. Read, read, read-be constantly open to new ideas, knowledge and learning. Become an expert in your profession or area of interest.

5. Incorporate a varied, descriptive and powerful vocabulary into your everyday language; practice and enhance your writing skills.

6. Don't have a hand shake like a wet noodle; conversely, don't paralyze someone when shaking their hand!

7. Great posture broadcasts great confidence. Think about the messages your body language conveys. Does it mesh with the image you want to transmit?

8. In all situations, treat people respectfully and as equals- by making others feel special, you set an example about the way you expect to be treated.

9. Never dress like a shlep! Even in non-business situations, cleanliness, care, neatness and style (which does not have to be au currant) are essential.

10. Relish (and share) an appreciation for the ridiculous. Make use of humor whenever humanly possible and always remember to smile and have fun!

11. Eliminate "foot- in-mouth disease"- think before speaking and be cognizant when a brief comment, or no comment at all, may be most sagacious. Appropriately convey understanding, empathy and genuine interest.

12. Learn from great actors, trial lawyers, orators, etc., observing their gestures, tone of voice, timing, conviction, etc. when they communicate with others. An acting class or public speaking group can be invaluable and fun.

13. Bolster the self confidence and allure of others by being a ready resource for those seeking your advice, guidance and expertise.

And remember, taking action is the catalyst for change!

Meltdown Mayhem-Nine Designs To Turn Adversity Into Opportunity

As the worldwide economic crisis looms large, how is it possible to see an upside to this tumultuous financial situation? While not to minimize the impact of the elimination of jobs, dwindling savings, and the loss of value in stocks and real estate, an opportunity is presented to creatively prepare, brainstorm, and have viable plans in place to counter unsettling events, and incorporate changes that have been “on the back burner”.

“X out” the idea of deserving a particular life style and start restructuring aspects of your life that you can control and those that are most important to you (more time for relationships, unfinished projects, re-defining and reassessing goals, etc.):

1. Re-frame the idea of being “cheap”- substitute frugal, prudent or economical to describe clever cost-cutting ideas and plans.

2. Eliminate extravagant gift giving-those who care about you will appreciate presents reflective of your creativity and budget.

3. Add “ecologically aware” to lifestyle re-designing- the less you buy and the more you re-cycle (not just trash), the smaller your environmental carbon footprint.

4. The “latte factor” (so named by financial columnist, David Bach)- spending $4.00 for a daily coffee? What’s the actual cost on a weekly/monthly/yearly basis? Use simple arithmetic to compute spending on clothes, restaurants, dry cleaning, etc. to total the amount of these “minor” extravagances per annum.

5. Overwhelmed by “stuff”-a great time to purge useless items (and perhaps sell them on Craigslist or ebay). Tally how much you paid for these things, keep the list handy, and refer to it anytime you consider making non-emergency, discretionary purchases.

6. Downsizing doesn’t have to be viewed as a disaster-consider the sense of freedom and lessened anxiety level a smaller home or less expensive car (believe it or not, you are NOT what you drive!), can bring.

7. Stay fit by exercising, yoga, dancing, etc.- helps to lift your spirits, reduce stress and avoid gaining weight (being active rather than eating), during a worrisome time.

8. Continuing education- improve knowledge in your chosen field (enhancing your skills in a competitive market), or pursue interests and information through reading, courses, seminars, etc. Becoming financially savvy should be part of your life-long learning program.

9. Discover the beauty of compound interest-it’s never too late to save, and the sooner the better. Align your savings goal(s) with those things that really matter to you, enhancing the incentive to save.

And remember, taking action is the catalyst for change!

Shake It Up Baby!

Shake It Up Baby!

Research has shown that novelty has a positive effect upon one's level of happiness (hardly surprising, as humans thrive with lots of stimulation). While some changes require planning, a great number of daily routines, habits and interests can easily be altered, amended or revised. Be ready when opportunity does come knocking, without rationalizing why something can’t be done, embracing “carpe diem” (seize the day) as a permanent motto!

Whether contemplating short-term or long-tem shake-ups, try some easy and creative ways to transform the mundane into fun:

• Wear some clothing or jewelry that really isn't "you"- how does this make you feel and note the reactions you get from others?

• Listen to music or read a book that is a departure from your usual fare.

• Take a different route to work; explore the environs of the area in which you live, investigate historical points of interest, take local day trips.

• Visit a new gallery, museum, park, etc. that you've been meaning to do but haven't gotten around to doing.

• Plan a trip which you’ve always wanted to take or one that is totally different than the locale you frequent, length of stay, accommodations, etc.

• Try volunteering- choose an organization or cause you believe in and offer your time and services to do whatever jobs and projects are deemed necessary.

• Join the movement-besides exercising, try dancing (which is a great work-out), or take up a new sport.

• Broaden your education and commit to lifelong learning-whether through classes, travel, reading, online courses, being tutored or mentoring (a great deal is learned from and while teaching others).

• Start laying the foundation for a change in lifestyle, work, or social structure- do lots of background research, network (try Meetup groups), acquire a mentor, get an internship or volunteer your time, etc.

What things have you thought of to "Shake It Up Baby"? I'd love to hear about the interesting and creative things you've decided to do.


And remember, taking action is the catalyst for change!

Virtual You

Cloning of humans is still the stuff of sci-fi (but for how long?), yet, have you ever thought of what it might be like to meet a “virtual” you? Imagine interacting with your carbon copy and how this might impact upon your mingling, relating and functioning in a variety of social and professional settings.

While considering the following questions, jot down your responses and try re-reading them at a later time:

• Would you be compelled to meet and really get to know your clone? If not, why not?

• What traits would you find appealing/unappealing in your “twin”?

• Would you choose your replicate as a family member (suspend reality and imagine being able to pick your relatives!), a friend, or a colleague? Do you experience an immediate, visceral response to this idea, or are there any hesitations?

• Do you think your clone would be open to any suggested behavioral, interpersonal or physical changes? What ideas or sage advice, or “constructive” criticism? (in any realm), would you proffer to your mirror image?

• How would you let your mirror image know how he/she is perceived by the outside world? Do you think this would be an easy topic to discuss, or one that has to be approached quite gingerly?

• Do you foresee any complications arising, either between the two of you or because of the nature of the settings in which you’re interacting? If so, what might they be and how do you think you would resolve them?

And remember, taking action is the catalyst for change!

Energizing Environments

Some things are actually easier to change than we realize. Our physical environments can have a huge impact upon mood, attitude, physical well-being, and psychological health. Re-arranging, organizing and altering your home and work spaces can make a profound difference in your life, coupling a more buoyant outlook with greater energy.

Along with these suggestions, think about others you can devise:

• Assessment time- home and/or work areas chaotic or non-productive? Take time to evaluate how to eliminate sources of stress in these locales and start by changing ONE thing at a time.

• Add enlivening colors, pictures, art, music and lighting to your home and work environments.

• Get away from “same old, same old”- quotidian tasks easily become routine and boring- begin by injecting small changes into daily or repeated schedules and situations (e.g. remove the T.V. from the bedroom, try 1-2 new recipes/food each week, take a brisk walk before showering, etc.)

• Conversely (re: the above), if habits need to be broken, a change in surroundings (and their attendant associations) is often a major first step (i.e. if a morning cigarette accompanies a cup of coffee, try switching to tea, if you tend to easily “vege out” after work, sign up for some classes or arrange time with friends, etc.).

• Engage ALL your senses: use scented candles, soothing lotions, healthy snacks, calming music (be particularly aware of lowering noise pollution in your surroundings), and create a visually beautiful home atmosphere.

• Share all manner of things with friends and family-exchange books, art, accessories-things which open up experiences, ideas, concepts and information, promoting discussion and camaraderie.

• Explore the exotic- take a (minimal) risk and wear something you wouldn’t normally don, paint a wall (or room) in your home a bold color, get involved in exciting activities, plan an adventurous trip-the list is endless.

• Time to change those who people your landscape? -while you may not be able to change everyone you’d like to (a relative, boss, etc.), make certain that the majority of your interactions are with upbeat and supportive individuals.

And remember, taking action is the catalyst for change!

NO FRIENDS LIKE OLD FRIENDS

Having just attended a (mini) high school reunion, it was easy to see why the bonds cemented by intense friendships with those who were our secret keepers, adventurous co-conspirators, and acceptors of our vulnerabilities still held sway, making the event a totally positive, meaningful and memorable experience. Although decades had passed since seeing many of these schoolmates, there was no difficulty in picking up where we last left off, relishing that ephemeral feeling that time had almost stood still, reminiscing about that exuberant, carefree and fun segment of our lives:

• Nostalgia is not a dirty word- harkens back to lighthearted and (often) more innocent times-can serve as a blueprint for recapturing things perhaps now missing in life.

• Revel in the hilarity of looking at old pictures, films, and videos and appreciate yourself and your pals at those stages of life-you’re with people who loved you as you were.

• Friendships were always a priority- the frequency and proximity for having regular contact with these buddies made closeness and interdependence natural and easy; friendships are still an integral part of emotional (and ultimately, physical) health, so stop making excuses and set aside the time!

• Making amends-at this reunion, one friend said she had to apologize to another for her abominable junior high school behavior over a “stolen” boyfriend- great opportunities do exist to set things right.

• Excitement at finding a “new” old friend- not having been close friends “way back when”, yet finding you’ve both grown to now have a great deal in common.

• Letting it all hang out- it’s unnecessary to have to hide your age, where you came from, crazy things you might have said and done, so exhale and enjoy.

• Let your fingers do the walking (on your computer)- use social networking and online alumni finder sites as an easy way to connect with those with whom you’ve lost touch.

And remember, taking action is the catalyst for change!

BAD APPLES SPOIL MORE THAN BARRELS

Not surprisingly, the “bad apples” in our midst often leave destructive and lingering ill effects. This toxic fruit is particularly adept at lowering the morale of any environment he/she inhabits. According to a University of Washington study, rotten apples cause so much havoc because negative behavior actually overrides positive behavior; having one or two “goodies” around doesn’t sufficiently counter the effect of the “baddies”. Most people tend to be caught off guard by undermining and harmful conduct, either becoming angry or hurt, withdrawing, or denying the severity of the poisonous contact.

Here’s help to make sure you’re not easy pickens’:

• Beware of the bad apple’s many guises: bully, martyr, slacker (who believes he/she is so overworked), persistent naysayer, equal opportunity hater (of just about everything), the unrelenting devil’s advocate, the maven (a world class expert on just about everything).

• Conduct this simple experiment: when the bad apple is absent from work for several days or doesn’t attend a few family or social gatherings, is there is a positive change in the entire atmosphere? Begin documenting these instances to open discussion about your findings.

• Consider how to shield yourself from this downbeat environment-you may not be able to quit your job (just yet), or absent yourself from all family functions, but clear boundaries and alternative behavioral strategies can be enacted when dealing with this individual.

• When management, family (unfortunately), or certain groups enshrine a culture of negativity, it becomes all-pervasive- allowing the rotten apples power and status under the guise of competence, efficiency, reform, maintaining the status quo, etc.

• Enlist the support of other like-minded friends, family, or colleagues- time to discuss the situation with others similarly affected and devise plans to limit contact and discourse, have set responses that politely, yet firmly convey your attitudes and expectations, whenever possible, engage the help of the “powers that be”, etc.

And remember, taking action is the catalyst for change!

Mompreneurs, Et Al

So much has been written about work/life balance, yet, who exactly has been able to achieve it? “Mompreneur”, a term coined about ten years ago, described women with young children who were leaving the work force to be home with their kids, and who ultimately designed a successful blueprint for combining family life with the world of work.

Lest the “Mompreneur” explosion (nearly two thirds of home-based businesses are owned by women with children), be viewed as a passing fad, a 2007 report stated that a variety of groups will change the face of entrepreneurship over the coming decade. Often, by focusing on a niche market with which they are familiar, these individuals will come from the ranks of high-schoolers (Teenpreneurs), new immigrants (Newpreneurs), middle-lifers seeking change (Midpreneurs), retirees (Seniorpreneurs)-make up a name which describes who you are, what you want to pursue, or what you plan on offering:

· Entrepreneurship is more prevalent and lifestyle–friendly- technology, particularly the use of cell phones and the internet, has changed the face of doing business (often doing so at any given hour of the day or night).

· Recipe for success: choose a business idea that inspires you and can incorporate all your values, research the need for the products or services you’ll be offering, affiliate with a network of like-minded colleagues, a willingness to probably work long hours, and make it a family business where everyone pitches in.

· Be realistic-list the perks of a home-based business: making your own hours, more time with kids, partner, family, etc., no commuting or rent vs. the drawbacks: lack of daily camaraderie with co-workers, need to be a self-starter and be disciplined (it’s easier to procrastinate), no formal office.

· A 2006 interactive survey found that 60% of fathers interviewed (only 3% less than the mothers), voiced a desire to be at home with their families. There is also a significant rise in the number of fathers who have primary custody of their children, all signaling a need for Dad(or Parent)preneurs.

· Incorporate all you learn from trial and error-endless planning, feedback and research goes into setting up any kind of business, but flexibility is still the byword. The best laid plans often get tweaked or substituted for even better and more ingenious ones.

· It’s stressful and often inefficient to constantly be a one-woman (or man) band -outsource whenever possible (try bartering goods or services), use a virtual office program, network in person or on the internet (look into “meet up groups” which fit your needs), establish a Mastermind group, etc.

· Establish your own dream team- build a substantial and sustaining support system, with a myriad of resources-from your personal boosters (spouses, children, family and friends), to reliable babysitters, financial experts, webmasters, etc.

· Consider the possibility of working part-time at home and also having a separate “real” office -this can be done by sub-leasing office space, bartering services for the occasional use of an office, share space to reduce costs.

· Start small (but think big), and grow as orders or clients really multiply.

And remember, taking action is the catalyst for change!

Vexing Verbs

A client, enumerating the myriad reasons for her divorce, stated that her husband “didn’t do verbs”. She explained that any action was generally too much to expect of him, or once begun, things were generally not completed.

Think back to your earliest grammar lessons, when taught that nouns were naming words and verbs were action words. Other parts of speech which modify verbs are also indicators of how language conveys and determines active vs. passive responses in all types of decisions and interactions:

•What ar e the verbs that regularly pepper your vocabulary? Are they descriptive of how you see yourself and the image you project to the world?

• Do your words and expressions spur you on to satisfying and successful deeds and accomplishments?

• Take inventory of the verbs or phrases you use which are ineffective. What powerful language will you then employ? (Hint: Instead of, “I’ll try”, substitute, “I will”; in place of “This/he/she/it makes me”, insert, “I choose to”, etc.).

• Be specific and concrete-rather than stating that, “I want to get a new job”, clearly state what type of job you want, within what time frame, what salary range, etc., so that you are conveying a tangible message to yourself.

• Is the language you use conversant with the non-verbal cues you give- body language, tone of voice, facial expressions, etc?

• Incorporate verbs which transmit positive physical movement- those that translate into actual and explicit measures to be taken and accomplished.

And remember, taking action is the catalyst for change!

Arise and Sing

Years ago, I attended a baby shower for my friend Patricia, a very talented soprano. Most of the attendees were either professional opera singers or voice coaches. When asked by another guest if I, too, was a singer, my immediate response was, “Are you kidding? In this group, I wouldn’t even try to hum!”

The thing is, I always loved singing, but never felt my voice good enough for public consumption. Fast forward two decades: I decided to dedicate a song (as a surprise), to my husband for a big birthday bash. The person who gave me the courage to perform was my friend (and musical mentor), Danny Dworsky, a professional musician of incredible talent (and patience). Learning how to breathe properly, phrase the lyrics and get around the high notes made the experience exhilarating and the actual performance a most memorable occasion.

Devotees of singing believe that vocal expression, besides being thoroughly enjoyable, is also therapeutic. Some even compare the impact yoga has had during this decade with the importance which will be given to singing lessons, classes, and groups within the next one. If you’re a frustrated singer, think you’ll now be game?

• Research has found that singing boosts the immune system by increasing levels of cortisol and immunoglobin A (listening to music, although pleasurable, does not have the same effect).

• Don’t discount your solos in the shower or when alone in the car –breaking into song promotes well-being, better health, and reduces pain by releasing endorphins.

• Singing has been associated with lower heart rate, increased lung capacity, higher energy, improved posture, relaxation and enhanced mood- so what if you’re sometimes off key?

• Group singing promotes rapid rapport, whether a duet, choir or songfests, releasing oxytocin (that “feel good”) hormone and promoting emotional bonding.

• Associations with songs harkens memories of great and significant times-revel in them.

• Singing, as opposed to speaking, often conveys emotional messages by the choice of song and its lyrics, vocal power, phrasing, crescendo, etc.

• For an extra bonus, try adding your favorite dance routine to your virtuoso voice performance (who hasn’t seen a Broadway show and imagined being up on that stage?).

And remember, taking action is the catalyst for change!

The "Schmata Syndrome"

"Schmata" is another priceless Yiddishism, literally a rag, but often connoting something worthless or of inferior quality: "The dress your ex's husband's new wife is wearing" is an old joke which conveys its ultimate definition.

However, a person who is considered a schmata is the one who always gets taken advantage of, dumped on, ripped off, often referred to as a "doormat". Ever feel like someone's wiping their feet off on you?

• Time to examine yourself and your relationships carefully by understanding your own motivations-wanting to be liked and respected, afraid of losing friends, uncertain of your true opinions, etc.

• Being defined as a wimp or wimpette-always being the "nice guy or girl", while afraid of hurting others' feelings, hating to see others sad (they WILL get over it!), or fearful of expressing your own needs and desires.

• Allowing others to treat you like a child, choosing what's "best" for you- of course, this really means what's best for them!

• The perennial doormat-concern about others to the extreme- is left vulnerable to anger, stress, and fatigue, which can take a serious toll on the immune system.

• Walking around with a sign that says, "Kick me!"- you may be a natural peace maker and giver, but it's time to be discerning and weigh the merits of EACH request- no need to constantly acquiesce and feel over-burdened and ultimately resentful.

• Not wanting to be labeled selfish, stubborn, or uncooperative- is it possible this SELF-labeling is over-exaggerated in order not to change behavior?

• "People pleasers" who cave in to the disappointment expressed by others when their requests have been turned down- validate their feelings without changing your answer (e.g. "I understand your disappointment, but I still can't do this" – even when they keep coming up with different ways to get you to capitulate.).

• Is your partner (or other important people in your life), calling all the shots-when was the last time you had input for important decisions?

• Always needing to be cheerful and upbeat regardless of negative feelings and things happening in your life which are considerably less than perfect- this pattern often leads to loss of self respect, guilt, passivity and wobbly boundaries.

• Seen by others as innocuously inoffensive or weak because the "real you" is being hidden behind this façade.

• You've advanced to the point where you can actually say no to a request, but, as the conversation proceeds, find you have agreed to do something you really don't want to do- time to master the polite right of refusal- ex. "Let me think about this", "I can recommend someone who…" etc.

And remember, taking action is the catalyst for change!

The Perils of Pettiness

Last week, upon answering a knock on the door, I recognized our neighbor, with his walker in tow, asking to have a word with us. He wasn't collecting for a charity (as I initially thought), but needed the approval of a majority of homeowners to get a larger parking space. After hip replacement surgery, additional swivel room was necessary to get out of his car with the walker. One resident, claiming that the handicapped individual (who happened to be on the building's board), was thus getting an unfair advantage, blocked approval. Hence, a majority of owners now needed to sign the petition.

I was struck by the pettiness (and mean spiritedness) of the protester - as if this gentleman had his hip replaced in order to get a better parking spot! However, my dismay inevitably led me to the idea for this week's Tip:

• Choose the reputation and legacy by which you want to be known – one of generosity of spirit or of spite and small-mindedness.

• Don't sweat the small stuff- we all have to deal with piddling annoyances as a fact of life. Keep things in perspective without dwelling upon insignificant (and mistaken?) rebuffs and rebukes.

• Ask this question to determine whether to act upon your annoyance or anger: Will it be important in a week, a month, or a year? If not, let it go!

• Choosing to live in conflict –is the rush of "battle" fueling a need to argue (and win) in an inordinate number of interchanges? Why, and at what price glory?

• Stop rationalizing- is their a belief that others, due to their inadequacies somehow "deserve" to be berated, made to feel insignificant or be scolded and reprimanded for minor infractions?

• Cultivating pettiness cements the need to be hyper-vigilant- constantly on guard against the smallest slight or offense, whether intentional or not.

• What are the underlying and motivating factors? –fear (what exactly are you afraid of?) and low self esteem-there's no time like the present to examine the cost of trivial and narrow minded thinking (trusted friends and professional feedback may be particularly helpful).

• "Do unto others…"- the Golden Rule needs no explanation.

And remember, taking action is the catalyst for change!

Feel free to leave comments

The Boundary Hunters

In a former life as a social worker, responsible for child victims of abuse and neglect, I was keenly aware of the high number of colleagues applying for stress leaves. I assured my supervisor that the pressure of the job would not cause me to take a respite from work, but that I did like to take vacations! Besides using my accrued time for needed breaks, I realized the importance of setting unambiguous emotional boundaries as a way to maintain my equilibrium.

As boundaries define a sense of self and how you expect others to treat you, intrusions by "boundary hunters", whether deliberate or not, leave us feeling uncomfortable and even violated. This is especially difficult when it involves close family, friends or colleagues, as the parameters that define appropriate behavior have been breached. If so, it may be time to re-think and re-set the limits of your psychological dividing lines:

•"Good fences make good neighbors"- just as true with personal connections, as intact boundaries are essential to all types of healthy interactions.

•Know thyself- are you clear about where you end and the other person begins? It's often the spaces in the middle that may be somewhat blurry, particularly if you feel taken advantage of or smothered.

•Erecting emotional walls is not the same as constructing healthy psychological boundaries- clearly defined emotional and behavioral perimeters let you decide who and what will/won't enter your life (but if too inflexible and harsh, others may feel like they're dealing with the Gestapo).

•Beware of spilling your guts- a healthy sign you have clearly defined limits in interpersonal relations is that you can be open with others, yet know when to keep personal things private.

•"Border crossings"- the danger of mixing business and pleasure-being overly friendly in emails, phone conversations and meetings, or believing that your boss is really your friend, can be easily misconstrued and backfire with serious ramifications.

•Practice saying NO (it helps to do this in the mirror), until it becomes a natural response, without any twinges of guilt, so that your "boundary lines" (both physical and emotional) are crystal clear.

•What are your goals and what do you want to accomplish?- ask yourself, " when, where, what, why and how" questions to help clarify what you expect, want and need from the relationship, as well as to establish open lines of communication.

And remember, taking action is the catalyst for change!


Feel free to leave comments.

Curiosity Can't Kill This Cat

As a three year old, my husband's ever-present curiosity led him to take apart the family's washing machine. You've probably guessed that a slight problem arose when he was unable to put the appliance back together (hardly surprising for a tot!). Happily, he was not punished for his inquisitiveness, as his parents were rather proud and intrigued by his ingenuity. Perhaps his decision to become a scientist and university professor was first nurtured and rewarded in this bold (and half successful!) experiment.

Curiosity has been the motivating force behind most inventions, discoveries, and adventures throughout history. As children, the search to discover how all aspects of the world works is fueled by a sense of awe and inherent attention to what is novel and enthralling. In adult life, that wonder sometimes gets tarnished, particularly as the status quo becomes more comfortable and change more daunting.

If your curiosity needs re-charging, begin with these pointers:

•Establish a culture that rewards inquisitiveness, creativity, novelty and inventiveness whether at home or in the workplace.

•The fascination factor helps to bolster active minds which are stimulated by an insatiable quest for knowledge and information.

•Research has indicated that curiosity can be a reliable predictor in the ability to develop intimacy and successful relationships – being open to experiences, novelty, and always asking questions, produces new and changing perspectives and a broader world view.

•Read, Read, Read- diversify, discover and delve and discover new and interesting fields of knowledge and information.

•Think of some things you might like to unlearn, those that you feel have stifled your thinking, belief systems, relationships - how might you go about re-educating while stimulating your curiosity?

•Too steeped in habitual and familiar life patterns, thoughts, and choices? Start being more cognizant of new ideas, investigating different viewpoints and interests to upend outmoded thinking.

•Teach curiosity by being curious- establish a culture within the family or work environment that prizes wonderment and is captivated by a sense of discovery, exploration and a passion for learning.

•Interest and probing into other cultures, groups and communities serves to open doors for greater understanding, communication, and appreciation between individuals and populations.

•It's NOT cool to be bored–constantly ask questions, don't take things for granted and immerse yourself in exciting and interesting ideas and endeavors. (Dorothy Parker said it best, "The cure for boredom is curiosity. There is no cure for curiosity.").

And remember, taking action is the catalyst for change!

Freeing Your Inner Hero

Freeing Your Inner Hero

In Greek mythology, a hero was the progeny of a mortal and a deity, thereby creating a demigod. Today, it needn't be only superheroes that can fire our imagination as invincible role models. Many modern day heroes come from ordinary families that have instilled values rooted in the belief of doing things for the greater good and a clear sense of living a purposeful life.

Before donning your cape and valiantly vanquishing global forces of evil, try pondering the benefits of other, equally important, ways to act heroically:


• Doing the "right" thing in daily life-not substituting excuses for inaction- belief in a task (however small or less than monumental), cause, or mission that must be addressed, often putting self-interest on "hold".

• Displaying a willingness to take physical or social risks to ensure fairness and shake up the status quo (e.g. Rosa Parks' extreme bravery in refusing to move to the back of the bus, no matter what the consequences).

• Conviction in having the power to make a difference-being a leader, teacher or mentor, and/or using imagination and creativity to guide a vision to implement change.

• Seeing adversity as a challenge that transforms experience- triumphing over fears, difficulties and dramatic events that must be successfully navigated as part of life's journey.

• Being armed with knowledge and information, (which allay fear and anxiety in oneself and others), that aid in committing to positive courses of action.

• Extraordinary and unforeseen situations often enable "regular" people to respond passionately, selflessly and courageously-September 11th is a prime example of this phenomenon.

• Who are your heroes? What makes them worthy of your admiration, respect and emulation?

• How do you think these individuals got their capacity to persevere, their sources of inspirational power and the ability to intrepidly create their own destiny?

And remember, taking action is the catalyst for change!

Intuition, Not For Women Only!

Before the advent of speech, intuition proved essential for our progenitors' survival in a hostile environment. The ability to respond to threats and act immediately was often a matter of life or death. As speech developed, our ancestral brains rapidly expanded and instinctual knowledge began taking a back seat to reasoned intelligence and logic.

Intuition, once relegated to the domain of women due to historical primacy placed upon factual information, seems to be getting greater respect these days. With more sophisticated understanding of the complex workings of brain structure and chemistry, intuition, insight, gut feelings, and common sense are no longer the step-children of knowledge:

• Commit to having free, uncluttered time (even if it's 5-10 minutes/day), to focus on inner sight, inklings, hunches, etc.

• Make a conscious effort to be more attuned to nuances of communication (those that women are particularly adept at employing): body language, tone of voice, facial signals and listening skills.

• Don't allow left brain processes to deny right brain hunches-check out those quick insights which often provide direct knowledge.

• The more experience and expertise held in an area, the more likely you are to be inspired and guided by your sixth sense-trust it and use it.

• When you sense the certainty of your impressions and foresights, give yourself permission to "go with your gut".

• Keep an Intuition Log to determine how often your instincts are right- check the accuracy of your unfettered perceptions over time and be aware how these impressions come to you-through dreams, thoughts, sensory input, or instantaneous insights.

And remember, taking action is the catalyst for change!

The Father Factor

Growing up in the 50's and 60's, it was hardly surprising to be reared in a home where my father was the "breadwinner" and my mother stayed home caring for five children and the household. Although my father, Leo Popkin, worked long hours, his dedication to our family and the security of his love was always a source of strength, even after his untimely death.

Before sharing a memorable bio a reader had sent me about her extraordinary father, which seemed to epitomize everything about the celebration of Father's Day (Sunday, June 14th in the U.S.), here are a few interesting factoids about our dearest dads:

• One fifth of children in single parent families in the U.S. are living with their fathers, which is a growing phenomenon.

• Kids with engaged, loving dads have a significantly better success rate in school.

• Children whose fathers are thoroughly involved in their lives display more confidence, have a greater degree of self-control, can more readily handle frustration, become more empathic adults and engage in more pro-social activities.

I encourage all readers who would like to share adages, anecdotes, or memories about their fathers to email them to me. This is what Vivienne T. wrote:

"I thought that you might enjoy knowing about my father, Saul Goldstein. A German-born fugitive from the Nazis, he came to England, learned the language and culture, married my mother, a refugee from Austria, and made a new life. At age 82, they moved to Canada and began life anew in yet another culture, to be near their children (my brother and me) and grandchildren. After my mother died nine years ago, he was encouraged to return to University learning. At the age of 93 he graduated from the University of Toronto, earning a B.Sc. in Psychology with High Distinction. It made not only the Canadian papers, radio and television, but was carried in other countries, too. We have clippings that we cannot read in Chinese, Japanese and Russian, to name just a few! Dad was working towards a Master's degree in Educational Psychology, something that I, a teacher, had not yet done, when deteriorating health forced him to discontinue his much-loved studies last year. He passed away on 4th February, 2008, aged 97- that's what is called living! What a wonderful legacy he left for me, for my children and for my grandchildren."

And remember, taking action is the catalyst for change!

Marvelous Mental Health Days

When my children were small and would complain of a head or stomach ache (invariably on a school day), I'd let them know that their (supposed) ailments weren't necessary to prove, as they could ask to take a "mental health day".

A 2008 survey conducted by ComPsych found that 82% of employees polled confirmed that they took mental health days due to family/relationship issues, stress, personal issues and lack of motivation.

Whether for students or those in the working world, is it time you could benefit from this liberating practice?

• A beginning trend, but not yet widely instituted- more employers are starting to pool sick, personal and vacation days so that workers can take the day off for any reason they deem necessary.

• Start a precedent and plan a mental health day in advance, scheduling it the day before or after the week-end to maximize its benefits.

• It's the hard workers (so give yourself permission for this reward) who truly need to be restored and energized, as idlers will inevitably find excuses not to be working.

• If self-employed or a solo practitioner, think about creating your own fringe benefits-get away from the phone and technological task-masters-you ultimately work better when your personal spark plugs get re-charged.

• Whether spur-of-the-moment or just several hours in duration, make the most of it. (Time for "true confessions"-several years ago, while working as a social worker (high stress, high caseloads), two friends and I suddenly decided to take a breather and meet at the movies. We reveled in "The English Patient", and ended the day feeling deliciously conspiratorial, giggly and NOT guilty-a needed break that was just what the doctor ordered!)

• It sometimes takes practice to elevate this self-nurturing time to an art form-no errands, medical appointments, house cleaning, etc.-pamper yourself and/or spend time with those you love.

• Might the idea of the mental health day stimulate your thinking about the possibility of taking a sabbatical –changing locales, lifestyle, pursuing a dream –who knows?

And remember, taking action is the catalyst for change!

Mired in Misperceptions

Doth you project too much? Assigning the same beliefs, ideas or values to others without validating the veracity of those (projected) convictions, can lead to misunderstandings, misinterpretations, incorrect comprehension and cognitive goofs. Holding onto beliefs solely because they are familiar and comforting, (yet often untested and unchallenged), can lead to self-fulfilling prophesies rather than creative and original thinking:

• When looking back upon errors in judgment, how often were they based upon a lack of knowledge, experience, exposure or open-mindedness?

• Where are these opinions etched in stone? Just because "everyone says", or something is written, it still behooves the reader/participant to examine additional sources, suggestions and ideas.

• Beware of misconceptions created and perpetuated by films, television, the internet, etc. -confusing real life with the (mis)information or the ideal projected in the media often leads to unreal expectations and disappointments.

• Gender differences often lead to miscues and misconceptions about messages (supposedly) given and/or desired by the opposite sex-ask for clarification whenever possible, or get reliable feedback from a trusted friend of the opposite sex.

• Believing that the past is prologue to the future- if someone or something strongly influenced your life in the past, they will ALWAYS determine your feelings and behavior.

• Are irrational beliefs distorting thinking and behavior patterns- ex. seeing yourself as a victim (Why do bad things ALWAYS happen to me?), anything less than perfection is NOT okay, viewing most problems as catastrophes or being "devastated" by disappointments.

• Try putting different attitudes and beliefs in historical perspective- it wasn't all that long ago that there was an uproar about "giving" women the right to vote, or consider the "truisms" promulgated about race in the U.S. prior to the civil rights movement.

• Memory is often kind- it's easy to remember the times we're right, but when wrong, readily forgotten. Try keeping a log of your attitudes and values, checking regularly to see if those notions still hold weight for you.

And remember, taking action is the catalyst for change!

Over Optioned

Living in our highly touted technological and information age allows us to have an endless amount of choices, ranging from brands of cereal to careers, computers, companions, etc. Current research has shown that the paradox created by these limitless choices is that they often lead to indecision, mental exhaustion, less productivity as well as extreme anxiety about making the wrong choice.

Rather than being oppressed by this overabundance of options, there are basic steps that can be taken to alleviate feeling as if you're drowning in a sea of choices:

• Narrow your choices by investigating the 2 or 3 best ones and make an informed decision from this group without recriminations.

• Set a REASONABLE time frame in which you will commit to the decision.

• Resolve to NOT drive yourself crazy- be satisfied with a superb or good choice as opposed to the absolutely perfect one.

• Use trusted sources whenever possible, saving yourself time and energy-a friend who always gets the best "deal", experts whose opinions you believe, etc.

• Stop ruminating on the "road not taken" or the "one that got away", which merely gives permission not to make a commitment-take credit for the decision made.

• Selecting clothes, food, gifts, cars, etc. need not be a reflection about who and what you are- determine to make these choices (which will narrow the field), based upon your own taste, budget, values, time and energy.

• Prince or Princess Charming is NOT riding in on a white horse! – due to being bombarded by a plethora of relationship possibilities, have your expectations been unrealistically high, making sound choices unlikely? Time to seek out sources (professionals, friends with sound judgment), to give you honest, pragmatic and level-headed feedback.

And remember, taking action is the catalyst for change!

If You Don't Ask, You'll NEVER Get

Being direct, assertive, and taking the plunge by asking for the things you want needn't be a harrowing task. Over analyzing the odds for success before you let your wishes to be known can cause inaction and paralysis, wasting valuable time and energy on problems that may never arise. This doesn't mean that your every request will be met with a positive outcome, but these suggestions will energize and reward your quest for gettin' the goods (and goodies!):

• Vague notions- the first step is knowing EXACTLY what you want.

• Unambiguous communication-by clearly spelling out your needs, you'll get what you want rather than what others want you to have.

• Fear of rejection- not only is it unimportant what "everyone" else will think (is someone taking out an ad in The New York Times, belittling what you asked for?), but others will rarely view your request as unreasonable.

• Do you view asking as impolite-something that "nice girls don't do"-so who's to blame if you don't get the raise you deserve, don't date the person you're really interested in, etc?

• Ask questions, particularly about those things which will give you the needed information to achieve your goals-you won't be seen as being dumb or pushy, and others will appreciate your interest and curiosity.

• Be audacious-ask for something that is considerably more than you thought possible. Who knows, the request may actually be granted, or you may find it easier to then "settle" for the thing(s) you really desired.

• Exude confidence-convey a positive attitude which assumes that you'll get what you want- humor and charm go a long way and are always great assets to employ.

• For one week, rather than saying what it is that you don't like, want, or have, make a concerted effort (keep a list), to substitute the things that you do want, being specific, asking in a positive manner, and taking responsibility for the requests.

And remember, taking action is the catalyst for change!

My Mother's Maxims

In recognition of Mother's Day (in the U.S.) on Sunday, May 11th, and my annual celebration of women's wisdom, I thought it most appropriate to once again commemorate it with this week's Tip.

Of all the things we're told by our mothers, there always seem to be particular axioms that are so imbued with eternal wisdom that they must be passed on.
Think of some of the invaluable sayings, mantras, truisms, etc. told to you by your parents, which have had a positive effect upon your life.


Here are 2 of my mother's:

1."Whenever someone gives you a compliment, just say, "Thank you."
In other words, it's totally unnecessary to deflect the compliment, which:

•Discounts the opinion of the "complimentor"
.
•Doesn't allow you to take advantage of basking in the glow of praise and the wonderful feeling it brings. (It IS deserved because this is the assessment of the beholder!)

•Often stops you from readily complimenting others, as you've negated the positive feelings that being recognized engender.

2."Never point out your faults to someone else, as they're most noticeable ONLY to you!"

•It often sounds disingenuous to be too forthcoming in talking about your faults.

•It is off-putting and often makes others want to run for cover if you "spill your guts" too readily.

•It may give you pause to reassess what you have judged to be a fault.

Here are several contributions from readers who were kind enough to share their mothers' maxims.

Ofra K- My mom always says: "Each person has his/her own pleasures."
Meaning things are always a matter of personal taste and opinion and one should not be too harsh and hurried to make judgments.

Anat G.- "My mom used to tell me: "If you didn't use your brain, you'll have to use your legs" (freely translated from French...), meaning that if you
don't think or get organized, then you now have to run or walk more.
This has been so true! The good thing about it: there is another chance,
but it might take longer and more energy!
I sometime use it differently also, instead of using "electronic' ways
of communicating, I take my legs and go to the person I want to talk
to."

Shirley Z- originally conveyed to her by her late mother in Yiddish:
"As someone wishes you a good morning, you wish them a good day".
In other words, as someone behaves toward you, you reciprocate in kind.

O.K, so now that I've shown you mine, feel free to (share) show (email) me yours. Another possibility is to write down and then re-read those adages that are most important and meaningful for you and re-read them throughout the year.

And remember, taking action is the catalyst for change!

Restructuring Rejection

Restructuring Rejection

We all know that it’s impossible to be loved by everyone, but it still hurts and rankles when we feel criticized, denied, dismissed and ultimately rejected. Instead of feeling worthless, dejected, or that your self-confidence and self-esteem have been sapped, time to restructure rejection and view it from more constructive perspectives:

·Eliminate the idea of being “devastated”-this is an overused word that adds and compounds bruised feelings and should only be used for real tragedies.

·A “No” or denial is not a reflection of your self-worth –time to stop taking things personally and blowing refusals out of proportion.

·There are low points in everyone’s life-look back and evaluate how you coped with rejection in the past. What past experiences, seemingly negative at the time, are now seen as having been beneficial? Keep a list as a reminder.

·Unrealistic expectations-setting the bar too high (and thereby feeling knocked down), before there is mastery of all the steps needed to accomplish the goal(s).

·Underlying or irrational fears- often subconsciously “setting yourself up” to be rebuffed or refused, ensuring that you don’t have to change or alter your patterns of behavior, the way you treat others, or the way in which you view the world.

·Opportunity for reflection- what was learned from the experience and how are you utilizing the advice and opinions received to ameliorate the possibility of repetition?

·Silence the negative and self-censoring dialogue going on in your head- rejection is an inevitable fact of life-time to try using it as a motivator to do a bit of risk- taking and spur you on to do things differently.

·Some situations call for anticipating the possibility of being rebuffed or denied- requesting a promotion, asking someone on a date, etc. – be armed with the necessary information, answers and responses that are likely to be part of the discussion.

·Redefine, rename, and reframe rejection as “feedback” to determine how to benefit from this input.

·Be proactive-seek out a mentor, support group, coach, therapist, or trusted friend to get accurate information about the circumstances which have been daunting for you.

·If you don’t ask, you won’t get- take a deep breath, focus on one task at a time, and be assertive-what, REALISTICALLY, is the worst thing that could happen?

And remember, taking action is the catalyst for change!

“Adultolescence”

While 60 is touted to be the new 40, likewise, the claim is often heard that, “30 is the new 20”. It might be hard to believe, but the term, “adolescence”, was actually penned at the beginning of the 20th century. As Western societies transitioned from agricultural to industrial bases, teens were no longer needed to work farms and universal education was becoming accepted and enforced. Until a generation or so ago, it was expected that most children would leave their parental homes once they completed their education (either high school or college) and began to work, or got married, or entered the military. In our post-industrial society, these scenarios are often no longer the norm.

More recently, the designation of “adultolescence” has been applied to those (ages 18-34), who have just finished high school, are recent college grads or are working but not quite able to make ends meet on their own, and decide to return to their parents’ homes. This transitional period can be fraught with a clash of different expectations, values and beliefs between parents and grown children.

Here are some of the issues, ideas and helpful hints to aid teens, adults and “adultolescents” navigate the often tricky shoals encountered during this life stage:

· Teen timetables have changed-due to earlier onset of puberty, the increased power of peer groups (T.V., cell phones, the internet, instant messaging, etc.), and longer periods spent being educated (through college and graduate studies), have made adolescence a psychologically and socially amorphous phase.

· Education and training are constantly needed as jobs are less permanent- it is often expected (borne out by employment statistics), that an individual may have several jobs, careers, and professions during his/her lifetime.

· Young women today have a plethora of choices regarding their decisions about education, marriage, children and careers.

· The longevity revolution has fostered the atmosphere for greater acceptance which allows young people to experiment with different living arrangements, travel, and experiencing a variety of job and educational options.

· Re-paying higher education loans, credit card debt and the high cost of housing has made it quite difficult for those emerging adults to assume a middle-class lifestyle without familial assistance.

· Families caught in the emotional and financial throes of the “Sandwich Generation”, being responsible for aging parents and their adultolescents- planning for this eventuality before it is inevitable (seeking professional advice, support groups, researching available programs, etc.) can help to make this phase less stressful and more rewarding).

· Look for and encourage within the community, societal institutions and employers- community colleges offering less expensive courses, career training and flexible hours, reasonably priced and high quality (on-site) childcare, parity for part-time workers regarding wages, benefits and training, affordable health care for all, no penalties for family and medical leaves.
And remember, taking action is the catalyst for change!

Hello Middlessence, Good-bye Midlife Crisis

Whether the term used is “middle-essence”, “midlife”, “midcourse” or for those who prefer the French, “troiseme age” (third age), the longevity revolution has changed both the perception and actuality of when middle-age begins and ends. Few people in their 50s and 60s label themselves as “old”, favoring a description of being in their “prime” and feeling that their “best years” are actually yet to come.

The maxim of the 1960s may have been, “Never trust anyone over 30”, but baby boomers have revised that mantra to, “Never trust anyone over 90!” Just as those born after 1945 changed the landscape on every societal front in their heyday, they continue to be trend-setters in their second half of life:

• Compared to adults 18-39, middle-lifers describe themselves as feeling freer, more accomplished and successful.

• Studies have shown that those in their 50s to be more satisfied, stable, and, yes, happier than their younger counterparts.

• Interestingly, the “Me” generation accounts for the greatest number of individuals who do volunteer work.

• Being part of the “Sandwich Generation”- learning to balance the emotional, physical and financial challenges and obligations for aging parents, while at the same time responsible for children finishing school (or who are young adults not quite on their own).

• Just as multiple careers have become an accepted norm, phased-in or non-retirements and flexible work hours are becoming more common-due to choice, low savings rates, high divorce rates (accompanied by huge financial implications), and longer life expectancy, many of those in life’s midcourse choose to, or will have to have, a greater number of productive work years.

• Emphasis on looking good, eating well, exercising, pursuing things they are passionate about and enjoying what life has to offer have become de rigueur for middle-essencers.

• Feeling great and fueled by expectations to stretch out their mid-life years as long as they did their adolescence, a huge market has been created for cosmetic surgery, beauty and rejuvenation products, anti-aging drugs and nutraceuticals (foods and/or herbal or botanical extracts with medicinal and health benefits).

• Travelling on a frequent basis, and taking unusual vacations, often to exotic locales, has become a continuing rite of passage for both pre and post retirees.

• More available time to put emphasis on family and friends-made even easier by email, cell phones, etc.

And remember, taking action is the catalyst for change!

Nixing the Naysayers

Are you allowing others to regularly rain on your parade? Have all the negative reasons and responses to why your great ideas, plans, or dreams won’t work or aren’t practical too easily convinced you that “everyone” else must be right? Consider where these inventors, visionaries, scientists and artists (and the world without them), would have been if they didn’t believe in themselves and listened to popular “wisdom”?

• This 'telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as
a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us,"
-- Western Union internal memo, 1876.

• "Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible,"
-- Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895.

• "Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction."
-- Pierre Pachet, Professor of Physiology at Toulouse, 1872

• "We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out,"
-- Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962

• "Man will never reach the moon regardless of all future scientific advances."
-- Dr. Lee DeForest, "Father of Radio & Grandfather of Television."

• "There is no likelihood man can ever tap the power of the atom."
-- Robert Millikan, Nobel Prize in Physics, 1923

• "Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons."
-- Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of science, 1949

• "I think there is a world market for maybe five computers ."
-- Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943

• "But what is it good for?"
-- Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM, 1968,
commenting on the microchip.

• "640K ought to be enough for anybody."
-- Bill Gates, 1981

• "The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would
pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?"
-- David Sarnoff's associates in response to his urgings for investment in the radio in the 1920s.

• "The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a 'C,' the idea must be feasible,"
-- A Yale University management professor in response to Fred Smith's
paper proposing reliable overnight delivery service. (Smith went on to found Federal Express Corp.)

• "I'm just glad it'll be Clark Gable who's falling on his face and not Gary Cooper,"
-- Gary Cooper on his decision not to take the leading role in "Gone With The Wind."

• "A cookie store is a bad idea. Besides, the e market research reports say America likes crispy cookies, not soft and chewy cookies like you make,"
-- Response to Debbi Fields' idea of starting Mrs. Fields' Cookies.

• "If I had thought about it, I wouldn't have done the experiment. The literature was full of examples that said you can't do this,"
-- Spencer Silver on the work that led to the unique adhesives for 3-M "Post-It" Notepads .

• "Drill for oil? You mean drill into the ground to try and find oil? You're crazy,"
-- Drillers who Edwin L. Drake tried to enlist to his project to drill for oil in 1859.

• "Stocks have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau."
-- Irving Fisher, Professor of Economics, Yale University , 1929.

• "Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value,"
-- Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, Ecole Superieure de Guerre, France ...

• "I don't know what use any one could find for a machine that would make copies of documents. It certainly couldn't be a feasible business by itself."
-- the head of IBM, refusing to back the idea, forcing the inventor to found Xerox.

• "The abdomen, the chest, and the brain will forever be shut from the intrusion of the wise and humane surgeon."
-- Sir John Eric Ericksen, British surgeon, appointed Surgeon-Extraordinary to Queen Victoria 1873.

• "There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home."
-- Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977.

Need I say more?

And remember, taking action is the catalyst for change!

Reaching Your Outer Limits

Do you see yourself as someone who welcomes change or tends to run from it? When it’s time to stretch personal or professional boundaries, a change of mindset and engaging in the art of transition can be most helpful:

• Practice turning negative thoughts into positive feedback. Ask questions like: What is the worst thing that could happen? How would I advise a friend in this situation? Where is the actual basis for my arriving at this conclusion? etc.

• Take daily 5 minute mini retreats– visualize, in exquisite detail, a favorite vacation spot, fun times with those you love, revisiting enjoyable activities.

• Be your partner’s, child’s, friend’s # 1 cheerleader.

• Rise at dawn one day each week and be mindful of what this allows you to accomplish.

•When de bating about two different courses of action, try choosing the harder, riskier one (start with something easy and work up to more challenging choices).

• On a daily basis, commit to doing one thing that you really don’t like doing. After a month, commit to two things, and so on.

• Envision yourself as an explorer-delve into your family history, investigate interesting aspects of your neighborhood or other surroundings, do research about something which you’ve always found intriguing.

• Extend yourself by getting involved in volunteer work, nurturing relationships, building a “virtual community”, cultivating new associations.

• Be an innovator-the source where others can go to for new and interesting ideas, suggestions, and information.

• Begin and end the day with a positive personal affirmation which is relevant to you and what you want to accomplish.

• Consider working with a mentor, coach, or therapist to untangle or gain greater insight into what may be stymieing your further development.

And remember, taking action is the catalyst for change!

The "Too Busy" Life

The "Too Busy" Life

Imagine being able to look back upon your life, and think about those you were "too busy" for? When you think about this, notice what feelings arise.

Ask yourself:

• Am I "too busy" to notice the little things in life?

• Have I been "too busy" to see or talk to someone? How does that make me feel?

• Do I remember someone who was not "too busy" to see or talk to me? How did that make me feel?

• Is there someone I could not be "too busy" for today?

• If my life wasn't unnecessarily "busy", how would I feel? What would I do differently?

• Is my busyness an enhancement or a detriment to my life? What does this tell me?


And remember, taking action is the catalyst for change!

Your Personal Global Positioning System

Although everyone has one, how would you describe your personal worldview, that framework which defines your experiential reality and allows you to make sense of your life and the universe which you inhabit? Whether you think of it as your own GPS, a personal philosophy, religion, construct, narrative, schema, etc. it can be defined as the accumulated knowledge, thoughts and concepts that inform your beliefs and actions.

• What are the thoughts, ideologies, and the lenses which filter and comprise your worldview?

• Have there been noticeable fluctuations in your core values, ideas, ideals, and understandings throughout your lifetime?

• How does your personal framework define the way you interact and resolve conflicts with others?

• How have societal expectations, mores, forces, etc. impacted your lifeview?

• Has your worldview been altered when encountering those with very different mental constructs about a host of concepts, judgments and actions?

• If you’ve lived or travelled in different regions, countries, etc. have you been impacted by any fundamental differences about how the world is viewed and experienced in those cultures?

• Try writing a paragraph (or more), describing your personal ideology. What, if anything, did you discover by committing this biographical data to paper?

And remember, taking action is the catalyst for change!

Longcuts vs. Shortcuts

Since multitasking is NOT a religious experience, and can leave one feeling overwhelmed at the end of the day, take one daily job (whether at work or at home) and "longcut" it.

• Rather than checking emails while talking with a friend on the phone, why not try to engage in a satisfying conversation concentrating on real communication.

• Instead of relying on a greeting card you've bought, how about letting that person know how you feel about them in your own words?

• Try minimizing your consumption of “fast food”, making a conscious choice to eat (and prepare whenever possible), healthy meals for yourself and those you love.

• Think of the longcuts you can come up with (I'd love to hear about the ones you did), and note how you feel by including them in your daily routine.


And remember, taking action is the catalyst for change!

What Are You Tolerating in Your Life?

Tolerations are those situations and/or individuals that drain your
energy, drag you down, take up a good percentage of your time, and generally take the joy out of life.

Take a few minutes and think of the things (both large, small), that you are presently "putting up with", rationalizing, or gritting your teeth over. Write down these tolerations (remember to include the little annoyances, too). Now ask yourself:

•Why am I tolerating so much?

•What benefit do I get in not eliminating these tolerations?

•Choose 5-10 tolerations, when eliminated within the next 30 days, will begin to improve your quality of life (start with the smallest and work your way up).

•For those tolerations that may presently be unalterable, perhaps they can be viewed differently, i.e. choose to accept them, explore possible alternatives, re-categorize and re-frame them in a more positive light.

And remember, taking action is the catalyst for change!

The Truly Good Listener

When was the last time that someone REALLY listened to you (or vice versa)? That means that total attention is given, eye contact remains steady and processing on what's said without immediately thinking of the response before the speaker has finished.

• Write down a list of the 5 most important people in your life.

• Are you hearing the words they are saying to you?

• Do you understand each and every one of their words?

• Do you accept or reject their words?

• How will you respond after the conversation?

And remember, taking action is the catalyst for change!

Dynamic Vs. Static Words

Powerful language and communication makes a significant statement to ourselves and others about how we see the world and how the world sees us. Here are some examples:


Dynamic Words/Phrases

Yes/No
Will/Won't
By when
Create
When...happens


Static Words/Phrases

I think so/Don't think so
Would/Should/Have to
Some day
Made me
If...happens


Create your own list of dynamic vs. static words and note how frequently you use them. Keep the list visible and add to it frequently.

And remember, taking action is the catalyst for change!

Life Tip #17

How Resilient Are You?

One of the key factors toward a high emotional intelligence "I.Q."
is the ability to be resilient in the face of setbacks-emotional,
physical, financial, professional, etc. These are some of the ways
in which resilient individuals tend to deal with their problems.
What traits might you consider adopting in order to become more
resilient?

•Insight-seeing oneself and situations realistically rather than
idealistically or negatively.

•Living in the present-realizing that each of us has a personal
history, but able and willing to function and appreciate the "here
and now".

•Learning and education are life-long pursuits-realizing that
learning takes place in all spheres of life, not only in "formal"
education.

•Awareness and respect toward one's own and others' feelings; the
ability to act upon those feelings thoughtfully and without
arrogance or condescension.

•Viewing problems as opportunities-realizing that everyone
experiences tough times in life, but using these situations as
valuable learning experiences.

•Conservation of time and energy- getting rid of clutter, not
getting overly mired in the mundane, not getting caught in
the "forest for the trees" syndrome.

And remember, taking action is the catalyst for change!

Life Tip #16

Unhelpful Thinking

Unhelpful thinking can be extremely undermining in all aspects of one's life. Try examining irrational notions by asking the following questions:


•Is it logical- where is the evidence for my belief?

•Where is the belief inscribed (other than in one's head?).

•Will it seem so bad in 1, 3, 6, or 12 months? In 2 years' time?

•Do I expect myself and/or others to be perfect instead of human?

•Do I think in "all or nothing" terms and eliminate the middle ground?

•If I "can't bear it" or "can't stand it", what will actually happen?

•Am I thinking in "all or nothing" terms, ignoring the middle ground?

•Am I fortune telling with little or no evidence that the worst case scenario will actually happen?

•Just because a problem has occurred, does it mean that I/they/it are "stupid", "a failure", "useless", or "hopeless".

•Am I placing rules on myself or others (e.g. shoulds, musts, have to's, etc.)? If so, are they proving helpful and constructive?


And remember, taking action is the catalyst for change!

Life Tip #15

Procrastination

We've all heard the adage, "Procrastination is the thief of time." Analyzing why you are putting things off is a helpful first step.

Here are some reasons why people procrastinate. Which ones seem familiar?

• Feeling overwhelmed-Try breaking down the overwhelming task into smaller parts and do the most essential one first.

• Perfectionism-If it doesn't turn out exactly right, it's not any good. Remember, "perfect" rarely exists!

• Fear of failure or success-No action avoids disappointment; success can be daunting if you don't believe in yourself.

• Resentment about what needs to be done-feeling "forced" or frustrated by the job at hand and/or feeling there is not enough time to do the things you really want to do.


And remember, taking action is the catalyst for change!