The Boundary Hunters

In a former life as a social worker, responsible for child victims of abuse and neglect, I was keenly aware of the high number of colleagues applying for stress leaves. I assured my supervisor that the pressure of the job would not cause me to take a respite from work, but that I did like to take vacations! Besides using my accrued time for needed breaks, I realized the importance of setting unambiguous emotional boundaries as a way to maintain my equilibrium.

As boundaries define a sense of self and how you expect others to treat you, intrusions by "boundary hunters", whether deliberate or not, leave us feeling uncomfortable and even violated. This is especially difficult when it involves close family, friends or colleagues, as the parameters that define appropriate behavior have been breached. If so, it may be time to re-think and re-set the limits of your psychological dividing lines:

•"Good fences make good neighbors"- just as true with personal connections, as intact boundaries are essential to all types of healthy interactions.

•Know thyself- are you clear about where you end and the other person begins? It's often the spaces in the middle that may be somewhat blurry, particularly if you feel taken advantage of or smothered.

•Erecting emotional walls is not the same as constructing healthy psychological boundaries- clearly defined emotional and behavioral perimeters let you decide who and what will/won't enter your life (but if too inflexible and harsh, others may feel like they're dealing with the Gestapo).

•Beware of spilling your guts- a healthy sign you have clearly defined limits in interpersonal relations is that you can be open with others, yet know when to keep personal things private.

•"Border crossings"- the danger of mixing business and pleasure-being overly friendly in emails, phone conversations and meetings, or believing that your boss is really your friend, can be easily misconstrued and backfire with serious ramifications.

•Practice saying NO (it helps to do this in the mirror), until it becomes a natural response, without any twinges of guilt, so that your "boundary lines" (both physical and emotional) are crystal clear.

•What are your goals and what do you want to accomplish?- ask yourself, " when, where, what, why and how" questions to help clarify what you expect, want and need from the relationship, as well as to establish open lines of communication.

And remember, taking action is the catalyst for change!


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