The "Schmata Syndrome"

"Schmata" is another priceless Yiddishism, literally a rag, but often connoting something worthless or of inferior quality: "The dress your ex's husband's new wife is wearing" is an old joke which conveys its ultimate definition.

However, a person who is considered a schmata is the one who always gets taken advantage of, dumped on, ripped off, often referred to as a "doormat". Ever feel like someone's wiping their feet off on you?

• Time to examine yourself and your relationships carefully by understanding your own motivations-wanting to be liked and respected, afraid of losing friends, uncertain of your true opinions, etc.

• Being defined as a wimp or wimpette-always being the "nice guy or girl", while afraid of hurting others' feelings, hating to see others sad (they WILL get over it!), or fearful of expressing your own needs and desires.

• Allowing others to treat you like a child, choosing what's "best" for you- of course, this really means what's best for them!

• The perennial doormat-concern about others to the extreme- is left vulnerable to anger, stress, and fatigue, which can take a serious toll on the immune system.

• Walking around with a sign that says, "Kick me!"- you may be a natural peace maker and giver, but it's time to be discerning and weigh the merits of EACH request- no need to constantly acquiesce and feel over-burdened and ultimately resentful.

• Not wanting to be labeled selfish, stubborn, or uncooperative- is it possible this SELF-labeling is over-exaggerated in order not to change behavior?

• "People pleasers" who cave in to the disappointment expressed by others when their requests have been turned down- validate their feelings without changing your answer (e.g. "I understand your disappointment, but I still can't do this" – even when they keep coming up with different ways to get you to capitulate.).

• Is your partner (or other important people in your life), calling all the shots-when was the last time you had input for important decisions?

• Always needing to be cheerful and upbeat regardless of negative feelings and things happening in your life which are considerably less than perfect- this pattern often leads to loss of self respect, guilt, passivity and wobbly boundaries.

• Seen by others as innocuously inoffensive or weak because the "real you" is being hidden behind this façade.

• You've advanced to the point where you can actually say no to a request, but, as the conversation proceeds, find you have agreed to do something you really don't want to do- time to master the polite right of refusal- ex. "Let me think about this", "I can recommend someone who…" etc.

And remember, taking action is the catalyst for change!