Healthy Guilt

It's time to rehabilitate guilt, not the excessive, all-encompassing kind, but "healthy" guilt that provides a failsafe device against wrongdoing. We all feel guilty at times, , which is not necessarily a bad thing, as it prevents inappropriate conduct, or spurs us on to correct mistakes and unacceptable behavior. Sometimes, guilt can also provide a needed emotional jolt, signaling that a change has to be made in actions, lifestyle choices, or routines.

Distinguishing between ever-present guilt (feeling terrible about what you have or haven't done) and shame (feeling awful about who we are) is essential, but it is a clear-sighted moral compass that signals when something hurtful, neglectful, or thoughtless has been done and gives us the nudge to alter the situation(s).

What would it be like to "unshrug Atlas", so that the weight of the world is not on your personal shoulders? Where do you rate on your internal "guiltometer"?

• Flexible vs. guilty conscience – substituting forgiveness for self-deprecation by accepting mistakes and imperfection (yours or those of others), and taking the responsibility for rectifying those errors.

• Toxic guilt – evaluate those situations and relationships that engender an all-pervasive feeling of self-judgment or wrongdoing, even when no actual wrong has been committed; healthy guilt is internal, not the result of manipulation.

• You should stop "shoulding" on yourself – rather than enumerating the things you didn't do, keep the things you like about yourself in the forefront of your mind; challenge your irrational beliefs so that your assessments are based upon rational thinking.

• Give up agonizing over "What if ___________", and substitute the more productive, "What will I do now?" You can't change the past, but you CAN positively impact the present and the future.

• Make amends – we've all made thoughtless comments or done things of which we're not particularly proud. An apology, regardless of the amount of time that has elapsed, can prove to be very cathartic (whether done in person, the phone, or in a letter), for both the offender and the "offendee".

• Unresolved issues – tend to crop up again and again. A realistic understanding is needed to comprehend and then remedy these underlying apprehensions, prioritizing the steps necessary to mitigate them.

• Feeling beholden – debts, whether financial, social, professional or as favors owed, often go hand in hand with feeling guilty about their attendant obligations. What actions can you take which will relieve and remedy those feelings of discomfort and indebtedness?

• Saying "yes" when you want to say "no" - others WILL survive if you politely decline a request and set clear boundaries about which things you are willing to do. Why give others the power to determine what behavior is legitimate for you?

• The "Blame Game" - feeling compelled to hold yourself (or others) responsible for all that goes wrong and "knowing" you're culpable when it cannot be remedied. An attitude adjustment toward viewing mistakes as learning opportunities and ceding your role as the ultimate "fixer" is definitely liberating and less stressful.

• Overly responsible, conscientious and sensitive – sure that you are THE one to set things right, and when this doesn't work out, left with an over-arching sense of guilt. A high price is paid by confusing a sense of omnipotence with reality.

• Guilt-free zones – whether in particular areas of your house, office, or outdoors, set aside those spaces (and times), in which no guilty thoughts are allowed to take up residence in your mind.

And remember, taking action is the catalyst for change!