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Reaching Your Outer Limits

Reaching Your Outer Limits

Change is often scary, while the familiar is comfy, but rarely exciting, inspiring or earth shaking. Do you find yourself talking about altering your life style, habits and patterns, but rarely taking the necessary steps to make it happen?

If you feel it's time to budge a bit from your comfort zone, it may be easier than you think:

• Innovate – establish yourself as the source that others come to for suggestions, interesting ideas, and a purveyor of knowledge, willing to share your wisdom, information and expertise.

• Welcome change – whether it's as mundane as trying a new restaurant or a bolder move like starting a new career.

• Weekly commitment – choose one thing that you're usually stymied by, break it down into smaller, manageable tasks, and just do it!

• Mini retreats – take daily 5 minute mental vacations. Visualize a place you've visited, would like to visit, someone you love to be with, or something you enjoy doing and delight in imagining yourself in this situation.

• Read, read, read – knowledge is indeed power and information about a variety of subjects makes your opinions interesting, inspiring and sought after.

• Self limitation - what are the main things, in specific areas of your life, which are holding you back? Decide what concrete plans you can make to successfully tackle them.

• Rise at dawn – make a commitment to get up at sunrise one day a week and note how many additional things you can accomplish.

• The risk factor – when deciding about different courses of action to take, choose the more daring one. What was the outcome?

• A helping hand – extend yourself by volunteering, building a community (actual or virtual), nurturing diverse types of relationships and cultivating new associations (this is sure to be as beneficial to you as it is to others).

• Envisioning – try to visualize yourself as an explorer, finding out about the hidden treasures of your neighborhood, your family history, visiting foreign countries, etc.

And remember, taking action is the catalyst for change!

Hide the Remote

Couch potatoes of the world unite! Not to worry, they're probably too busy zoning out in front of the tube to make an impact on much of anything.

Results of a 30 year survey investigating individuals' happiness levels, which included 30,000 adult participants, noted that watching television may give immediate pleasure, but ultimately contributes to long-term dissatisfaction. Unhappy people, generally less connected to social supports and activities, watch 20% more TV, filling up their unwanted spare time (adding to the vicious circle of why they are unhappy).

On average, people (in the U.S., a bit less in Europe), spend 4-5 hours a day in front of the TV. By age 70, about fifteen years of life will be forfeited to channel surfing and watching the screen. What other things might be done or accomplished during that time?

• At the expense of REAL engagement - interacting with family and friends, sports, artistic endeavors, and intellectual pursuits stimulate and challenge the brain as opposed to an "activity" needing only passive "participation".

• Instant gratification –watching the telly requires no skills or effort and makes no demands; an understandable choice at the end of a hard day, but is there any enduring benefit?

• Whose reality is it - would the pull of reality shows or celebrity gossip programs be so mesmerizing if you were creating adventures, engaging in fun activities and expanding your own horizons?

• Addiction friction-has your allegiance to television (or the computer, etc.) caused rancor within relationships, with significant others in your life feeling your first (and lasting) love is electronic in nature?

• Vegging out – it's easy to eat (unhealthy) meals and snacks and drink in front of the TV, but the only exercise consists of lifting food from the hand to the mouth.

•Makes gratuitous violence acceptable and seemingly commonplace – additionally, those who watch a greater than average amount of television report feeling less safe and less trusting.

• Glorifies materialistic values – while being encouraged to want more, comparisons to inflated lifestyles portrayed on screen contribute to viewers' lower levels of happiness.

• What's the message – whether visitor or host, if Big Brother isn't turned off while conversing with others, whose input is deemed more important and interesting?

• Stymies mental development – this is particularly true for children's intellectual development; in seniors, incessant TV viewing hastens attention and memory problems.

• Create your own station break – try no TV for a week or two (or a month). At the end of that time, list the things you were able to accomplish (and enjoy), by not being a viewer. Did you really miss it?

And remember, taking action is the catalyst for change!

Emotional Vampires

Psychological vampires don't suddenly materialize out of the pages of an Anne Rice novel, "Twilight", or an old Bela Lugosi flick. Masters (or mistresses), of the first five minutes, they often ooze charisma, displaying their charming, hypnotic side at will. These users may have a great deal of money, power, brains, beauty, or sexual allure (or a combination of these traits), but once caught in their enticing web, it's not quite so easy to disengage. They are experts in using others' foibles or insecurities to undermine and manipulate, establishing relationships by a facsimile of care, concern, cleverness and personal certitude.

A sub-title for this Tip could have been: "Narcissists I have known and (hopefully), not loved". If it's been your misfortune to be involved with these (thinly) veiled vampires, having an understanding of what's going on will aid (when necessary) in dealing with them:

• Litmus test – do you feel enhanced or diminished after speaking/being with them? If an all too familiar refrain is, "It's because I care", and you truly believe this manipulation, get feedback from friends, seek professional help, or trust your gut and head for the hills!

• Like having a relationship with the Gestapo - overly intrusive (constantly calling and needing to know where you are and what you're doing), suspicious, and (often) paranoid (quick to connect the conspiracy dots), and certain that everyone will take advantage of them.

• Friend of the week (or month)-few, if any, long-term friends, as this psychological terrorist changes the rules capriciously; quickly casting aside family or friends for insignificant infractions.

• Holier than thou – minor mistakes are seen as indicators of disrespect, contempt, or disloyalty, yet demanding absolute fealty from others; self-righteous assertions that their actions are based on "higher" principles.

• No slight is too slight - nurtures each injury (real or imagined) and insult, keeps constant score and expertly makes a mountain out of every minute molehill; since they see themselves as "special and unique", anything less than adoration is unacceptable.

• Divide and conquer –professional isolators, who try to separate their victim from healthy relationships, minimizing contact in order to be "numero uno" in every sphere of the other's life.

• Compassion is MIA (Missing In Action) - the hallmark of a narcissist is a lack of empathy toward others; examine deeds, not words, as they have little or no personal insight and are unlikely to change or learn from past mistakes.

• Divas, prima donas, drama queens (or kings) – histrionic vampires (an especially exhausting bunch), mutate every situation into melodrama, sucking the life out of those close to them, or those in their thrall.

• Rages running rampant – impossible to second-guess what will make them angry, but their tantrums or verbal assaults are often successful in getting others to submit to their whims and desires.

• Do fence them in – boundaries are particularly essential with extreme egotists, as they will readily try to draw you into their disputes and crises; being knowledgeable and clear-sighted about their behavior helps in remaining calm, cool and collected when interacting with them.

• Professional pitfalls - when at work, limit contact as much as humanly possible, using a tone of voice, body language and conversation that is polite, but clearly conveys that it's information, not a friendship, that's needed. When the vampire variety is a boss, carefully choose your "battles", strategizing how best to accomplish goals.

• Just say "No" to shtick - choose not to reinforce their behavior or feel guilty over their hurt feelings. Once you are seen as someone who can't be easily manipulated, they will move on to their next victim.

And remember, taking action is the catalyst for change!

Healthy Guilt

It's time to rehabilitate guilt, not the excessive, all-encompassing kind, but "healthy" guilt that provides a failsafe device against wrongdoing. We all feel guilty at times, , which is not necessarily a bad thing, as it prevents inappropriate conduct, or spurs us on to correct mistakes and unacceptable behavior. Sometimes, guilt can also provide a needed emotional jolt, signaling that a change has to be made in actions, lifestyle choices, or routines.

Distinguishing between ever-present guilt (feeling terrible about what you have or haven't done) and shame (feeling awful about who we are) is essential, but it is a clear-sighted moral compass that signals when something hurtful, neglectful, or thoughtless has been done and gives us the nudge to alter the situation(s).

What would it be like to "unshrug Atlas", so that the weight of the world is not on your personal shoulders? Where do you rate on your internal "guiltometer"?

• Flexible vs. guilty conscience – substituting forgiveness for self-deprecation by accepting mistakes and imperfection (yours or those of others), and taking the responsibility for rectifying those errors.

• Toxic guilt – evaluate those situations and relationships that engender an all-pervasive feeling of self-judgment or wrongdoing, even when no actual wrong has been committed; healthy guilt is internal, not the result of manipulation.

• You should stop "shoulding" on yourself – rather than enumerating the things you didn't do, keep the things you like about yourself in the forefront of your mind; challenge your irrational beliefs so that your assessments are based upon rational thinking.

• Give up agonizing over "What if ___________", and substitute the more productive, "What will I do now?" You can't change the past, but you CAN positively impact the present and the future.

• Make amends – we've all made thoughtless comments or done things of which we're not particularly proud. An apology, regardless of the amount of time that has elapsed, can prove to be very cathartic (whether done in person, the phone, or in a letter), for both the offender and the "offendee".

• Unresolved issues – tend to crop up again and again. A realistic understanding is needed to comprehend and then remedy these underlying apprehensions, prioritizing the steps necessary to mitigate them.

• Feeling beholden – debts, whether financial, social, professional or as favors owed, often go hand in hand with feeling guilty about their attendant obligations. What actions can you take which will relieve and remedy those feelings of discomfort and indebtedness?

• Saying "yes" when you want to say "no" - others WILL survive if you politely decline a request and set clear boundaries about which things you are willing to do. Why give others the power to determine what behavior is legitimate for you?

• The "Blame Game" - feeling compelled to hold yourself (or others) responsible for all that goes wrong and "knowing" you're culpable when it cannot be remedied. An attitude adjustment toward viewing mistakes as learning opportunities and ceding your role as the ultimate "fixer" is definitely liberating and less stressful.

• Overly responsible, conscientious and sensitive – sure that you are THE one to set things right, and when this doesn't work out, left with an over-arching sense of guilt. A high price is paid by confusing a sense of omnipotence with reality.

• Guilt-free zones – whether in particular areas of your house, office, or outdoors, set aside those spaces (and times), in which no guilty thoughts are allowed to take up residence in your mind.

And remember, taking action is the catalyst for change!

Quelling the Quick Fix

Our "hyperculture" (the high speed atmosphere of the internet, email, cell phones instant messaging, etc.) has propelled impatience to an art form, further elevating expectations that things be done instantly, if not "yesterday". While there are incredible benefits from technological advances (hard to imagine life without our computers and on the spot communication), the expectations of instant gratification often leads to stress, disappointment and anger when things aren't done immediately or perfectly.

Here are some ways to "savor the moment", rather than aiming to get even the enjoyable things (including your life!), over and done with as quickly as possible:

• Mindfulness-focusing and giving full attention to one thing at a time; not being consumed by future plans and events without really experiencing the present.

• Racing against the clock - scurrying around without noticing, without really interacting - stop and appreciate commonplace occurrences or take time to get to know someone better. What do you believe would actually happen if you slowed down?

• Instantaneous decisions – drawing conclusions before taking the time to gather the necessary information and refusing to veer from that position. What might happen if the decision was reversed after more information was brought to light?

• Fast food fixes – gulping down meals on the run rather than regularly enjoying leisurely repasts is certain to minimize tastiness and maximize digestive problems.

• Information overload – pare down the amount of email, articles and periodicals (sent or subscribed to), to give yourself time to absorb, and understand and remember the material you really need.

• "If this is Tuesday, it must be Paris"- even when on vacation, forgetting to relish the change of pace and scenery; it's unnecessary to be on a deadline to "accomplish" everything while on holiday – just enjoy!

• Irritable and incensed - when waiting for someone or something (traffic or a long super market line), or when interrupted while in the midst of a task, is a temper tantrum the response of choice? Will the speed at which something did (or didn't) occur actually matter in a week, month, or year?

• Perfectionist pitfalls - sometimes, doing things by halves is actually okay; substitute permission for anger when perfectionist ideals aren't met by yourself or others.

• Over committed and under appreciated - too many "irons in the fire" make it difficult to honor commitments. Under-promise before saying "yes" and examine the ramifications of your response; renegotiate or politely decline requests, suggest alternatives, or re-schedule.

• Pacified by sound bytes - news and entertainment that combines a speedy dose of flash, cash and trash. Choose to receive less information that is more in-depth.

• Tenacity triumphs – results aren't always immediate, so it's critical to "keep your eye on the ball", while remembering the importance of taking one step (or day) at a time; practice does make perfect in order to attain the desired goal or outcome.

• Hurry-itis" - living lives filled with manic movement and constant stress; rarely relaxing, yet feeling guilty and agitated when not working on something.

• The 10 minute breather – give yourself an extra 10 minutes to complete tasks rather than engaging in last minute hysteria because you're late or unprepared.

• Ignoring the importance of relationships – is more time, thought and effort put into work rather than family and friendships, rationalizing or trivializing the importance of warm and loving connections, celebrations, holidays and gatherings?

And remember, taking action is the catalyst for change!

My Mother's Maxims

In honor of Mother's Day (in the U.S.) on Sunday, May 10th, and in celebration of women's wisdom, I thought it most appropriate to once again share these maternal truisms:

In honor of my mother, still singing and dancing at 91, here's a Youtube video to commemorate her constant joie de vivre: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7EYAUazLI9k&annotation_id=72265&feature=iv<>/span>



Of all the things we're told by our mothers, there always seem to be particular axioms that are so imbued with eternal wisdom that they must be passed on.
Think of some of the invaluable sayings, mantras, truisms, etc. told to you by your mothers, which have had a positive effect upon your life.

Here are 2 of my mother's:

1."Whenever someone gives you a compliment, just say, "Thank you."
In other words, it's totally unnecessary to deflect the compliment, which:

•Discounts the opinion of the "complimentor"
.
•Doesn't allow you to take advantage of basking in the glow of praise and the wonderful feeling it brings. (It IS deserved because this is the assessment of the beholder!)

•Often stops you from readily complimenting others, as you've negated the positive feelings that being recognized engender.

2."Never point out your faults to someone else, as they're most noticeable ONLY to you!"

•It often sounds disingenuous to be too forthcoming in talking about your faults.

•It is off-putting and often makes others want to run for cover if you "spill your guts" too readily.

•It may give you pause to reassess what you have judged to be a fault.

Here are several contributions from readers who were kind enough to share their mothers' maxims.

Ofra K- My mom always says: "Each person has his/her own pleasures."
Meaning things are always a matter of personal taste and opinion and one should not be too harsh and hurried to make judgments.

Anat G.- "My mom used to tell me: "If you didn't use your brain, you'll have to use your legs" (freely translated from French...), meaning that if you
don't think or get organized, then you now have to run or walk more.
This has been so true! The good thing about it: there is another chance,
but it might take longer and more energy!
I sometime use it differently also, instead of using "electronic' ways
of communicating, I take my legs and go to the person I want to talk
to."

Shirley Z- originally conveyed to her by her late mother in Yiddish:
"As someone wishes you a good morning, you wish them a good day".
In other words, as someone behaves toward you, you reciprocate in kind.

O.K, so now that I've shown you mine, feel free to (share) show (email) me yours. Another possibility is to write down and then re-read those adages that are most important and meaningful for you and re-read them throughout the year.

And remember, taking action is the catalyst for change!

15 Ways to Swim (Not Sink) in Financial Waters

frugal living,
When the financial going gets tough, the tough start __________________ (saving, hoarding, conserving - insert whatever word you think fits best). This economic downturn has everyone feeling anxious and edgy. In economically tumultuous times, knowing which things you do have control over will help to elicit a realistic picture about your spending habits and those lifestyle changes that can be altered.

I've purposely proposed an incomplete list of possibilities for cutting corners during recessionary periods. Feel free to share your cost-cutting ideas and tips with the rest of us:

• Start cookin' – huge savings and health benefits can be had by not eating out and not throwing out so much food (be creative with "planned-overs"). Get used to brown bagging that lunch, brewing your own coffee, cutting out bottled water, sodas and juices (switch to fresh fruits), minimizing vitamins, supplements, and diet foods (again, up your intake of fresh fruits and vegetables and healthy alternatives).

• Cost-consciousness is cool - whether shopping (when necessary) in discount stores, buying generic and/or in bulk, or clipping coupons (not only from fliers and periodicals, but through a host of online coupon sites), the savings can be quite appreciable; investigate buying used or refurbished whenever possible.

• Downsizing – this may be an opportunity to consider a smaller house, condo, or apartment (cheaper. "greener", less time consuming to maintain, and possibly a shorter commute to work), while giving an incentive to get rid of "stuff"(aided by garage sales, ebay, Craigslist).

• Stay-cations –economical (and possibly less stressful), holiday options. Take advantage of extra time and energy to do the things you always meant to do, all within a short distance from home. Always take advantage of neighborhood parks and activities.

• Ax non-essentials – while at first seemingly difficult, eliminating lessons, memberships, subscriptions, cable, cell phones (which can be re-instated down the road), these "essentials" are often not much missed!

• Cache cash - helps keep you honest by buying only what you really need and can afford, warding off impulse buying and focusing on saving. It ISN'T a bargain if you don't need it!

• Transportation alternatives - Bike, walk or run whenever and wherever possible; coordinate your errands, carpool, use public transport.

• Remember the library – not only to borrow books, DVDs, and use computers, but a great venue for community performances and kids' activities.

• Do-it yourselfers of the world unite! - have someone teach you or do research and learn a new skill: hair cutting, pet grooming, gardening, etc; try trading your expertise with friends or neighbors, rather than hiring someone to do a needed job or repair.

• The beauty of bartering – trade for a variety of goods and services, which can be done on an individual basis or by joining clubs (check out the innumerable online options).

• Abandon the "throwaway" lifestyle - be aware of the disposable things you use and start to replace them with the "Real McCoys", i.e. cloth napkins, re-usable dishes, cups and silverware, etc.

• Better on a budget – have weekly discussions (children included), about "discretionary spending", stressing the importance of sticking to the budget; subscribe to online "frugal living" newsletters and websites; shop online to price compare and save gas as well as time and effort.

• Career switcharoo - time to consider changing your job or profession? Get the info, education, and training needed to pursue another vocation, or a company or business that is more likely to weather economic storms.

• Re-inventing entertainment – organize "pot-luck" dinners or "movable feasts" at several friends' homes, have swap parties (clothes, jewelry, toys, books, etc.), plan interesting themes for "soirees", rent movies and invite a crowd, invent "new" games and rediscover the old favorites with the kids, plan sports activities.

• Going "halfsies" – maximize savings by buying in bulk, dividing the purchase and its cost with friends or family; try sharing memberships, subscriptions, or even big ticket items to minimize expenses.

And remember, taking action is the catalyst for change!

Quality Vs. Quantity Quandary

Who sold us the bill of goods that "quality time" inevitably trumps the quantity of time spent in nurturing a relationship? Prior to over-scheduled lives, long work hours, endless distractions and commitments, it was a given that significant and meaningful connections between individuals required a great deal of time, energy, caring, concern and togetherness to form lasting bonds.

Obviously, there is a place for special activities, scheduling and plans. The problem is that so many important interactions can become stressful when having to adhere to a pre-planned timetable. The myth about quality time continues to be perpetrated, even though unforeseen circumstances often interrupt or foil the arrangements for those unique experiences; each occasion often loaded with a contrived "specialness" and pressure to enjoy.

Exceptional instances generally occur within the context of quantity- talking, listening, laughing, and loving and being together:

•Having fun and stress-free activities – when people (particularly children) have to figure out activities or plans for themselves, they invariably come up with lots of fun, creative, and unforgettable ideas.

•Good memories – while special times often do generate wonderful reminiscences, the overriding sense of being connected, cherished and cared for ultimately produces memories associated with great feelings.

•Yearning for security and attachment - enjoying physical contact, closeness, and companionship rather than fleeting or programmed interactions in one another's company.

•Savoring the simple- gets away from that rushed pace, effort (and stress), focusing on "being" rather than doing.

•Think of "pre-TV" life (not to mention existence before the host of contemporary electronic devices) – indoor and outdoor sports, art activities, reading aloud, playing games, or just "hanging out" together, rather than scheduling every minute of the day.

•Loss of a sense of intimacy – frequently, a sense of guilt rather than a feeling of mutuality is produced due to the emphasis on formal and distinctive (and often expensive), activities.


•Why not both - both quality and quantity are important in many areas of our lives when relating to both children and adults. Akin to everything else in life, it's balance that counts.


And remember, taking action is the catalyst for change!

The Magic of Mistakes

"Genius? Nothing! Sticking to it is the genius! ... I've failed my way to success."

-Thomas Edison (It took Edison over 1,000 tries before he invented a light bulb that worked!).

One of the biggest "booboos" in history was Columbus' "discovery" of America, while trying to figure out the quickest route to India. Other legendary "errors" are: penicillin, Teflon, the Frisbee, chocolate chip cookies, Coca cola, and "post-it" notes, naming but a few.

We all begin as experts in trial and error (watch any toddler learning to walk and talk), but quickly learn that mistakes are to be avoided rather than embraced. What might it be like if we were encouraged to cherish our mistakes, investigating and understanding how the world works and how to make things work better, more creatively and differently?

• Mistakes as opportunities - without them, individuals and cultures would wither and die, so treasure them as invaluable guides and learning experiences.

• Why make infallibility the goal? - the need for perfection often stultifies ingenuity, creates anxiety and presents excuses for not finishing or accomplishing the task at hand.

• Change your self-talk - monitor that inner dialog, eliminating the idea of failure (or the labels "stupid" or "incompetent"), for having done something incorrectly. What did you learn from those blunders and how does it motivate you to do things differently?

• Figuring out what does work - inspired trial and error is the sure path for getting to the best solution, eliminating what hasn't worked and steering clear of dead ends.

• Blunders, botches, slip-ups, goofs (and all their cousins), are steps along the way toward better ideas and discoveries – competency is often achieved after many "failures". It's tenacity that ultimately counts!

• Gateways to invention and innovation - a variety of goofs and gaffes often pave the way to that "Aha!" moment, knowing when you've hit upon the right idea or explanation (or provided the inspiration for an entirely new concept or creation).

• Appreciate the learning curve - information isn't just ingested, with immediate knowledge of how to do something. How did you learn to use a computer, play an instrument, attain athletic prowess? Would you have become as knowledgeable and proficient if you did it "right" the first time?

• Develops elephant hide - gives you lots of experience and confidence in warding off the judgments of "naysayers", learning to handle rejection, and the firm belief in your own opinions, innovations and ideas.

• Early warning system - the brain is hardwired to give signals as a reminder to avoid repeating painful mistakes, providing a blueprint for making more informed decisions in the future. What benefits have you derived from past mistakes?
on after life-altering mistakes - whether there was a botched marriage, career path, financial decision or something that had great consequences, the past cannot be changed. Time to assess the flaws or faults in those areas and be mindful (and have a plan), about using the past as a prologue to a better future.

•Gets you going - even when initially headed in the wrong direction, the important thing is that the process has begun. It's fear of failure that paralyzes the possibilities for success.

And remember, taking action is the catalyst for change!

Over Analysis Equals Paralysis

Although reflection and introspection are necessary components of self knowledge and problem-solving, do you or others that you know fall into the trap of becoming overwhelmed by “overthinking”?

Is the "R" word (rumination), an all consuming and guiding principle of your life?

• Constant ruminating often damages relationships, always needing to be reassured and guaranteeing that the ruminator becomes a "downer" to be with.

• Constant worrying ensures that life is viewed through a distorted lens, associating negative thoughts and feelings when thinking about the past, present and future.

• Engaging in catastrophic thinking generally leads to making poor, unreasoned and deleterious decisions.

• Constantly nurturing pessimistic thoughts and emotions will certainly send you into a negative tailspin of hopelessness and helplessness.

• When you catch yourself in the act of morbid meditation, immediately tell yourself to STOP! Substitute healthy behavior by calling an upbeat friend, taking a walk, doing something fun, etc.

• Repetitive and passive dwelling upon disappointments, difficulties and "disasters" allow these facts of life to assume gigantic, unproductive, and unrealistic proportions.

• Remember, a ruminant is in the cow, sheep, goat family. Next time you start ruminating, visualize these thoughts as the "cud" you keep chewing on. Appreciate how ridiculous this looks, learn to laugh at it, and focus on something positive.

And remember, taking action is the catalyst for change!

Errands "Lite"

If endless errands seem to be the bane of your existence, it’s time to figure out new and creative approaches to getting them done. Rather than the daily plaint of, "If I only had more time"(no extension of the twenty-four hour day is yet available), be mindful about those duties you readily accomplish and those that are somehow always “on hold”.

Try enacting time and step-saving systems, changing not only the frequency and the way you tackle these necessary duties, but also your attitude toward “errand encroachment”:

• Stockpiling and storing the essentials- depending upon your storage space, have enough basics to last you for at least one month. Investing in an extra cabinet or shelving can truly be worth its weight in gold.

• "Errand Command Center"- establish a central place for lists, things to return, dry cleaning, etc. where it’s easily seen (and remembered) before leaving home.

• Redesign your “errandmobile”- keep a box or basket next to you in the car for reminder notes, letters to mail, pick-ups to be made, etc.

• Geographical juxtapositioning- group together activities in the same general vicinity. A bit of forethought will allow you to knock off those things on your “To Do” list without back-tracking.

• What are friends for?- alternate tasks (making sure it’s always a two-way street), with neighbors, family, or friends, particularly when you live in the same neighborhood. Carpooling or picking up a few items for one another while shopping, saves a great deal of time, money (especially when it keeps you out of the stores), and effort.

• Exercise and errand combo- decide which missions can be accomplished by walking, jogging, or bike riding to them. When driving is essential, park in a central location and “kill two birds with one stone”, completing your task while taking advantage of walking.

• Technological timesavers- use your phone, computer, or any other tech devices whenever possible. Have bills automatically deducted from your checking account, order various products and services online, which also help to lessen your carbon footprint (less driving, manufacturers needing to print fewer catalogs, etc.)

• Simple solutions- rethink things like meal plans so that you don’t have to make extra grocery runs; assigning easily managed jobs to other family members can go a long way in eliminating extra work and errands.

• Time vs. money-figure out the cost/benefit advantages of what you may actually be paying to drive a fair distance to get a bargain; weigh both the financial vs. time savings in making online purchases or using delivery services.

And remember, taking action is the catalyst for change!

Your Prerogative To Be Offended

Crunch, crunch, crunch! Is that the sound of eggshells being broken by those who dare to tread on forbidden topics while in your presence? Or, are you so busy avoiding potential landmines when conversing with a (hyper) sensitive friend or relation that you’re left feeling drained and uncomfortable, always having to second guess what will cause offence?

If this were a job application stating that, "Only the thin-skinned need apply", who would be the likely candidate?

• Expecting others to be mind readers - all of us have rules and regs (consciously or not), which determine what will or will not offend us -it's each person's responsibility to be clear about what's expected.

• Generational legacy (particularly in family feuds) - children quickly learn that the only way to resolve differences is to cut off all communication with the (supposed) evil-doer.

• Miscommunication - consider the context in which things are said or done. What are the odds you may have misunderstood or misinterpreted what transpired?

• Benefits of reflection over brooding – it’s not a criminal offense to take time to respond to some remark which MIGHT have been insensitive; rather than endlessly mulling it over, get feedback from a trusted individual who has a different perspective on the situation.

• "The teapot calling the kettle black"? - intolerant of others' traits which you may have: rarely think you're wrong, bored when having to listen to others, easily irritated and untrusting, can't abide anything less than perfection (the list continues, ad nauseum).

• The ultimate insult is not having others take your advice – whatever happened to freedom of choice?

• Learn to jokingly parry or simply ignore - when the expected rise is not gotten, the person quickly learns you are not an easy mark and goes onto the next victim.

•Lighten up and give the benefit of the doubt-chalk it up to someone having a bad day, being in a bad place, etc. and relish the ridiculousness of the situation (in other words, laugh at it!).

• Whether the offender or the offendee, could this be an instance of hypocrisy under the guise of political correctness?


And remember, taking action is the catalyst for change!

Not So Friendly Enemies

The term, "committed relationship", typically conjures up the idea of meaningful connection to a life-long partner. What happens when a vow (conscious or otherwise), has been made to be wedded to an enemy? An inordinate amount of emotional, psychological and physical energy is often devoted to that negative relationship, leaving little time for positive and healthy ones.

Vengeance may be yours, but consider the price paid in terms of increased stress (such as high blood pressure), anxiety, irritability and emotional stagnation:

• Unlike love, enmity isn't necessarily mutual- oftentimes, the perceived evil doer has no knowledge (or may not even care), about the (negative) devotion showered upon him/her; all the time spent planning and plotting their demise can only be for naught.

• Fixated on the past- is it possible the person, or the situation, has changed? Has the current reality been (re)examined?

• Being wary vs. labeling someone a dastardly foe- when feeling wounded or wronged, try limiting contact, be with others who will buffer or protect you when in the nemesis's presence, or, if necessary, take appropriate legal action.

• Consider a professional mediator (therapist, counselor, etc.) – a disinterested third party may prove to be an effective way toward resolving disputes and can mediate clashes as frequently as necessary.

• Forgive and forget- this does not mean condoning behavior that was in any way injurious to you, but to stop dwelling on the hurt in order to free yourself from the twin demons of anger and hatred.

• Living in a black or white world - no longer have to question what did, or might have happened, or any extenuating circumstances other than the long held (and cherished), memory or interpretation of the slight, damage, or injury inflicted by the antagonist.

• Doth you project too much? Are the traits and behaviors perceived in an opponent the same ones that are part of your own repertoire?

• Spillover effect - deeming friends or family members disloyal if they have any contact with the arch enemy only succeeds in causing rancor, tension and acrimonious feelings for all parties.

• "Equal opportunity haters" - have a plethora of adversaries and rarely see what role they may have played in this arena of enmity, leaving no room for insight, responsibility, or remorse.

• Living well IS the best revenge – what can be more productive and satisfying than focusing on all that brings positive things in your life?

And remember, taking action is the catalyst for change!

Cutting Commitments

Once you start enumerating all your various commitments and what they entail –family (dinners, driving etc.), friends, work, organizations, etc, you soon realize that you've run out of fingers.

Stop, take a deep breath, and think what will ACTUALLY happen if that obligation isn't addressed today? Will it really matter in a month or a year from now? If the answer is "yes", you know it’s essential, but if you respond in the negative…

• Eliminate, or (at least), scale back on one of the commitments: ex. rather than cooking every evening, split the chef duties for dinners between you and your partner (or family).

• Set boundaries-decide what's really important, which thing in each category brings the least amount of satisfaction and prioritize those obligations.

• Initially, others may be disappointed that you're not going to be doing this task, or assume that responsibility, but they WILL get used to it AND get over it.

• Sentimental attachments to stuff - too much of everything ceases to be a good thing. Remove the clutter so that you don't feel as though you have to do more than what, in actuality, has to be done.

• Re-evaluate-if you're spread too thin and constantly harried, are you even able to do your best job? Time to be choosy.

• Freedom from guilt - as your time frees up and your resentment at having to do that job is eliminated, guilt will dissipate. Enjoy it!

• Under-promise–before saying "yes", think about the ramifications of your response. Renegotiate or politely decline requests, suggest alternatives, or re-schedule at more convenient times.

• Delay deadlines-give yourself more breathing space whenever possible, considering if your "due by date" is self-imposed; eliminate things of lesser importance if a deadline is immovable.

• Increase personal power and integrity - when commitments are manageable and realistic your word is indeed your bond.

• It's the vision thing- why allow automatic daily choices, tasks and responsibilities to completely dwarf the grand plan you've constructed for your life? Reverse auto-pilot and commit to what is going to bring that plan to fruition.

And remember, taking action is the catalyst for change!

Pining for a Perfect Past

Romanticizing others' lives, wishing they were your own, caught up in a Hollywood version of the perfect childhood in the bosom of the perfect family, can get to be a favorite, albeit, unproductive pastime.

Over-glorification and idealization of past experiences and relationships makes it difficult to invest in new ones. What's the pay-off for not having to change (holding on to anger, revenge, reveling in, "Poor me!") and remaining stuck?

Before ambling down "memory lane" again, think about what awaits you at the present moment:

• Jot down how frequently you talk about the past-make a concerted effort to substitute information about present and future activities and plans; elicit help from trusted friends to keep you grounded in the "here and now".

• Spring cleaning (at any time of the year) - rid (or remove from sight), old photos, journals, and other mementos which evoke unpleasant memories-why torture yourself with those ever-present reminders?

• Limit contact and redirect ruminative thoughts on positive ideas, plans and experiences– it's easier and healthier to recuperate from past relationships and experiences when not constantly spending with time those that keep you rooted in the past or expending energy obsessing about them.

• Lighten up and put things in your life in perspective-no humor helps to keep you in the same place. Relish the ridiculous and try an "attitude of gratitude".

• Forgive and forget- this does not mean condoning behavior that was in any way injurious to you, but stop dwelling on it in order to free (and forgive) yourself from anger and hatred.

• Look at your life script - what has been your assigned role since childhood? As an adult you no longer have to play the same part!

• The "blame game"- everyone has to deal with unpleasant circumstances, costly mistakes or situations that may have been beyond their control. The choice now is whether to remain a victim or focus on the present and plan for a brighter future.

• Embrace the bittersweet – although reminiscing can sometimes be painful, it can also be cathartic, especially within the presence of trusted friends, family, or professionals. Savor the good memories, but allow yourself to move on.

And remember, taking action is the catalyst for change!

The Great Pretender

Who hasn't had experienced situations in which they've felt like a fake, not feeling proficient, knowledgeable, or competent enough in a job, skill or task? Often, high achieving individuals admit to being wracked by feelings of self-doubt, feeling like a fraud, unable to internalize successes-victims of the "imposter syndrome".

The term "imposter phenomenon" was coined in 1978, describing a trend noted in high achieving women. They suffered from a dire lack of confidence in their abilities regardless of concrete evidence to the contrary. Women have indeed "Come a long way, baby!" since the '70's, but feeling like a fraud has no gender boundaries and is alive and (unfortunately) well in 2009:

• Begin with an inventory of your strengths and weaknesses- have these vetted by a trusted friend and frequently refer back to this list.

• Faulty memory- focusing on times when you haven't done your best, rather than on the numerous successes.

• Denigrating accomplishments and discounting compliments-time to say a simple, "Thank you", WITHOUT qualifiers.

• Dissatisfied with what's been achieved and left feeling that, "I could/should have done better/more"-stop useless ruminating and give yourself the pat on the back you richly deserve!

• Afraid of exposure- others are sure to notice the lack of familiarity, smarts or ability-what's stopping you from pursuing more information, knowledge or education to become even more of an expert?

• Constant comparison to others and believing that you always fall short- you may indeed be exaggerating the success of others while down-playing your own competencies.

• Undeserving of achievements or positions- afraid of being exposed as a fake or having been lucky or in the right place at the right time; yet the truth is that luck, timing and location will take you just so far.

• Avoiding tests or evaluations for fear of not doing well (enough)-study, get tutored and feedback from others in the know to buoy your confidence and reality checking.

• Being a "phony" phony- self deprecation can be used to lower others' expectations and garner assistance even when the "phony" doesn't necessarily believe in his/her lack of competence.

• Distinguish between negative thoughts and feelings of self-doubt vs. the reality of all objective successes-don't hesitate to get reality checks from trusted family, friends, colleagues or professionals.

• Fake it until you make it-behaving "as if" you truly believe you're competent (no time to obsess about perfection), at those things you're uncertain about until you do internalize and fully accept accomplishments.


And remember, taking action is the catalyst for change!

Boosters, Backers and Benefactors

While there has been a seemingly unending list of superlatives to describe the Barak Obama phenomenon, capped by his history making inauguration as President of the United States, I have been particularly struck by his generosity of spirit. He eagerly listens to differing opinions and points of view, extends his hand to former rivals, and continually gives credit to all those who have helped, inspired and nurtured him on his path toward greatness.
As no man (or woman) is an island, consider those who have been your boosters, be they parents, friends, teachers or colleagues who have championed your talents, creativity, and capabilities at different stages of your life. How have they changed your life?

• Personal Cheerleading Squad-consists of those who have unwavering belief in you, be they family, friends, instructors or partners, who have freely given advice, encouragement, ideas and connections.

• Multiple mentors-maximize the knowledge and expertise of patrons who hail from different arenas and fields of interest - know who to go to for each question, idea, task, skill, or different viewpoint for "outside the box" thinking.

• Make a list of all those who have been your tireless aficionados, who backed you, opened doors, opportunities and contacts which have proved invaluable-have you adequately thanked them?

• Who are the prime enthusiasts you now regularly seek out when in need of a pep talk? What is it about these individuals and their advice that keeps you coming back for more?

• What specific counsel/encouragement/challenges made your benefactor's gifts memorable and helpful?

• Take advantage of quotes, books, CDs, affirmations, aphorisms, etc. from motivating, instructive and uplifting leaders, sages, teachers and philosophers for on-going guidance and inspiration.

• In times of transition, surround yourself with steadfast fans, those who optimistically give you a boost whenever they can, whenever they see you're in need.

• Is it time for you to nurture and invest in another's success? What will you offer a "mentee" as their benefactor/guardian/ally, showing them the ropes in their chosen profession, endeavors, or life paths?

And remember, taking action is the catalyst for change!

No Dress Rehearsals

One day I'll, ____ (fill in the blank). If this statement seems all too familiar, it's time to embrace the idea of carpe diem (seize the day!), as life truly does not offer any dress rehearsals. Visualize "opening night" seeing yourself as both the director and the star of the show. As the "curtain goes up", you've made a commitment to the "here and now" as the showcase for your stellar performance.

In the song, "Clouds", Joni Mitchell plaintively sang, "It's life's illusions I recall, I really don't know life at all". Does this metaphor strike too close to home?

• Differentiate between a genuine need for practice vs. an excuse to never effect the actual presentation?

• Convenient excuses- waiting for the right person, the right job, the right time, as a way to stay stuck, being "too busy" to take the necessary steps to implement change.

• Equating patience with procrastination-is indecision stopping your dreams, goals, or desires from becoming realities?

• Using perfection as the yardstick to measure all- an insurance policy to guarantee that change will not happen.

• Is the phrase, "If only…", being used ad infinitum, as a way to remain a victim of circumstances, or maintaining that others are responsible for foiling your plans?

• By not capturing the moment, you may not have the opportunities or the capabilities you have right NOW!

• Living in the future-masking dissatisfaction and disillusionment in the present, always awaiting the thing (new house, car, relationship, etc.), which will surely bring contentment.

• Are memories and perennial nostalgia your jailer?-constantly checking that rear-view mirror, allowing the past to infect the present?

• Have you had any dramatic life altering experiences? How did they impact your life? What changes did they initiate? If you did it once, you CAN do it again!

And remember, taking action is the catalyst for change!

Rapid Rapport

My "soul sister" and I have often been taken to be "real" sisters, even though we really look nothing like one another. When first asked if we were siblings, we just laughed and couldn't understand why anyone thought we were related. After having been asked this question time and again, we realized that it was the similar gestures, our obvious affinity toward one another, and our shared interests and values that gave this appearance of relatedness.

Rapport is that ineffable "click" that occurs when both parties realize that they are on the same wavelength. Discovering that you have similar ideas, beliefs, values and interests add to a feeling of camaraderie, trust and consonance, establishing the basis for long-lasting relationships.

Here are a few ways to increase your "rapport score":

• Friendliness and smiling-accept no substitutes, as these two are truly worth their weight in the gold, as they emphasize approachability, affability and authenticity.

• Watch your language-don't bog down your conversation with professional jargon, an alphabet soup of abbreviations unfamiliar (and off-putting) to others, or constant reference to individuals who aren't likely to be known.

• Mirroring body language-when in sync with another, there is often an unconscious matching of posture, gesture, eye contact, and movements conveying the message that, "This person is like me!"

• Matching paralanguage-the non-verbal content of language, i.e. laughing, sighing, intonations, hesitations, etc. also promote powerful bonds which strengthen connectedness.

• Humans are pre-disposed to reciprocal behavior- to facilitate a greater sense of affinity, (subtly and tactfully) mimic gestures, vocal tone, language content and body positioning.

• Ask open-ended questions-master the art of posing questions which engender thoughtful, open and honest responses, paving the way to really get to know someone.

And remember, taking action is the catalyst for change!

Unlimited Life Lists

Last week, prior to the New Year, the suggestion was to ask a variety of questions, rather than making (easily broken) resolutions for 2009. Continuing with the premise that New Year's resolutions often create more anxiety than satisfaction, another interesting, concrete and fun alternative is the Life List.

Wishes, goals, dreams and things to accomplish, from the mundane to totally life-changing endeavors, can be compiled at an on-going basis. Popular goals seen repeatedly on Life Lists are: learn to cook, have a baby, get a dog, move out, plant a garden, take dancing lessons, visit every continent, stick to a budget, save money, be my own boss, lose weight, write a book, quit smoking, run a marathon, exercise regularly, get a Ph.D, learn to become a gourmet cook, learn a foreign language, take piano lessons, meditate, make a movie-the list is literally endless.

What will you put on this personal itinerary, which places to go, people to meet, and things to see and do?

• Include only the goals you WANT to achieve, not those you think you SHOULD do.

• When starting your Life List, be sure that there are one or two objectives that you can immediately accomplish-this will give the necessary momentum to add more tasks and tackle the "biggies".

• Put goals in a positive light and be specific- i.e. rather than, "be more environmentally aware", how about, "use cloth rather than paper napkins".

• Be sure they're varied (noble, wacky, very personal, chancy, etc), fun and that they don't conjure up drudgery.

• Flexibility is key- objectives are not etched in stone, so add and subtract over time to keep them relevant and meaningful to your life.

• Involve friends and family- adds immediacy, vibrancy and inspiration to the objectives on your list, as your support system will come up with great ideas, keep you on track and cheer you on.

• Focuses on the big picture- clarity gained about what's really important to you and a sense of satisfaction as you check off those things on your Life List which you've accomplished.

• Gets you past those "blah" times- knowing you have purpose, much to learn and dreams awaiting fulfillment proves to be very uplifting and exciting even when experiencing a less than optimal time in your life.

And remember, taking action is the catalyst for change!