The Boundary Hunters

In a former life as a social worker, responsible for child victims of abuse and neglect, I was keenly aware of the high number of colleagues applying for stress leaves. I assured my supervisor that the pressure of the job would not cause me to take a respite from work, but that I did like to take vacations! Besides using my accrued time for needed breaks, I realized the importance of setting unambiguous emotional boundaries as a way to maintain my equilibrium.

As boundaries define a sense of self and how you expect others to treat you, intrusions by "boundary hunters", whether deliberate or not, leave us feeling uncomfortable and even violated. This is especially difficult when it involves close family, friends or colleagues, as the parameters that define appropriate behavior have been breached. If so, it may be time to re-think and re-set the limits of your psychological dividing lines:

•"Good fences make good neighbors"- just as true with personal connections, as intact boundaries are essential to all types of healthy interactions.

•Know thyself- are you clear about where you end and the other person begins? It's often the spaces in the middle that may be somewhat blurry, particularly if you feel taken advantage of or smothered.

•Erecting emotional walls is not the same as constructing healthy psychological boundaries- clearly defined emotional and behavioral perimeters let you decide who and what will/won't enter your life (but if too inflexible and harsh, others may feel like they're dealing with the Gestapo).

•Beware of spilling your guts- a healthy sign you have clearly defined limits in interpersonal relations is that you can be open with others, yet know when to keep personal things private.

•"Border crossings"- the danger of mixing business and pleasure-being overly friendly in emails, phone conversations and meetings, or believing that your boss is really your friend, can be easily misconstrued and backfire with serious ramifications.

•Practice saying NO (it helps to do this in the mirror), until it becomes a natural response, without any twinges of guilt, so that your "boundary lines" (both physical and emotional) are crystal clear.

•What are your goals and what do you want to accomplish?- ask yourself, " when, where, what, why and how" questions to help clarify what you expect, want and need from the relationship, as well as to establish open lines of communication.

And remember, taking action is the catalyst for change!


Feel free to leave comments.

Curiosity Can't Kill This Cat

As a three year old, my husband's ever-present curiosity led him to take apart the family's washing machine. You've probably guessed that a slight problem arose when he was unable to put the appliance back together (hardly surprising for a tot!). Happily, he was not punished for his inquisitiveness, as his parents were rather proud and intrigued by his ingenuity. Perhaps his decision to become a scientist and university professor was first nurtured and rewarded in this bold (and half successful!) experiment.

Curiosity has been the motivating force behind most inventions, discoveries, and adventures throughout history. As children, the search to discover how all aspects of the world works is fueled by a sense of awe and inherent attention to what is novel and enthralling. In adult life, that wonder sometimes gets tarnished, particularly as the status quo becomes more comfortable and change more daunting.

If your curiosity needs re-charging, begin with these pointers:

•Establish a culture that rewards inquisitiveness, creativity, novelty and inventiveness whether at home or in the workplace.

•The fascination factor helps to bolster active minds which are stimulated by an insatiable quest for knowledge and information.

•Research has indicated that curiosity can be a reliable predictor in the ability to develop intimacy and successful relationships – being open to experiences, novelty, and always asking questions, produces new and changing perspectives and a broader world view.

•Read, Read, Read- diversify, discover and delve and discover new and interesting fields of knowledge and information.

•Think of some things you might like to unlearn, those that you feel have stifled your thinking, belief systems, relationships - how might you go about re-educating while stimulating your curiosity?

•Too steeped in habitual and familiar life patterns, thoughts, and choices? Start being more cognizant of new ideas, investigating different viewpoints and interests to upend outmoded thinking.

•Teach curiosity by being curious- establish a culture within the family or work environment that prizes wonderment and is captivated by a sense of discovery, exploration and a passion for learning.

•Interest and probing into other cultures, groups and communities serves to open doors for greater understanding, communication, and appreciation between individuals and populations.

•It's NOT cool to be bored–constantly ask questions, don't take things for granted and immerse yourself in exciting and interesting ideas and endeavors. (Dorothy Parker said it best, "The cure for boredom is curiosity. There is no cure for curiosity.").

And remember, taking action is the catalyst for change!

Freeing Your Inner Hero

Freeing Your Inner Hero

In Greek mythology, a hero was the progeny of a mortal and a deity, thereby creating a demigod. Today, it needn't be only superheroes that can fire our imagination as invincible role models. Many modern day heroes come from ordinary families that have instilled values rooted in the belief of doing things for the greater good and a clear sense of living a purposeful life.

Before donning your cape and valiantly vanquishing global forces of evil, try pondering the benefits of other, equally important, ways to act heroically:


• Doing the "right" thing in daily life-not substituting excuses for inaction- belief in a task (however small or less than monumental), cause, or mission that must be addressed, often putting self-interest on "hold".

• Displaying a willingness to take physical or social risks to ensure fairness and shake up the status quo (e.g. Rosa Parks' extreme bravery in refusing to move to the back of the bus, no matter what the consequences).

• Conviction in having the power to make a difference-being a leader, teacher or mentor, and/or using imagination and creativity to guide a vision to implement change.

• Seeing adversity as a challenge that transforms experience- triumphing over fears, difficulties and dramatic events that must be successfully navigated as part of life's journey.

• Being armed with knowledge and information, (which allay fear and anxiety in oneself and others), that aid in committing to positive courses of action.

• Extraordinary and unforeseen situations often enable "regular" people to respond passionately, selflessly and courageously-September 11th is a prime example of this phenomenon.

• Who are your heroes? What makes them worthy of your admiration, respect and emulation?

• How do you think these individuals got their capacity to persevere, their sources of inspirational power and the ability to intrepidly create their own destiny?

And remember, taking action is the catalyst for change!

Intuition, Not For Women Only!

Before the advent of speech, intuition proved essential for our progenitors' survival in a hostile environment. The ability to respond to threats and act immediately was often a matter of life or death. As speech developed, our ancestral brains rapidly expanded and instinctual knowledge began taking a back seat to reasoned intelligence and logic.

Intuition, once relegated to the domain of women due to historical primacy placed upon factual information, seems to be getting greater respect these days. With more sophisticated understanding of the complex workings of brain structure and chemistry, intuition, insight, gut feelings, and common sense are no longer the step-children of knowledge:

• Commit to having free, uncluttered time (even if it's 5-10 minutes/day), to focus on inner sight, inklings, hunches, etc.

• Make a conscious effort to be more attuned to nuances of communication (those that women are particularly adept at employing): body language, tone of voice, facial signals and listening skills.

• Don't allow left brain processes to deny right brain hunches-check out those quick insights which often provide direct knowledge.

• The more experience and expertise held in an area, the more likely you are to be inspired and guided by your sixth sense-trust it and use it.

• When you sense the certainty of your impressions and foresights, give yourself permission to "go with your gut".

• Keep an Intuition Log to determine how often your instincts are right- check the accuracy of your unfettered perceptions over time and be aware how these impressions come to you-through dreams, thoughts, sensory input, or instantaneous insights.

And remember, taking action is the catalyst for change!

The Father Factor

Growing up in the 50's and 60's, it was hardly surprising to be reared in a home where my father was the "breadwinner" and my mother stayed home caring for five children and the household. Although my father, Leo Popkin, worked long hours, his dedication to our family and the security of his love was always a source of strength, even after his untimely death.

Before sharing a memorable bio a reader had sent me about her extraordinary father, which seemed to epitomize everything about the celebration of Father's Day (Sunday, June 14th in the U.S.), here are a few interesting factoids about our dearest dads:

• One fifth of children in single parent families in the U.S. are living with their fathers, which is a growing phenomenon.

• Kids with engaged, loving dads have a significantly better success rate in school.

• Children whose fathers are thoroughly involved in their lives display more confidence, have a greater degree of self-control, can more readily handle frustration, become more empathic adults and engage in more pro-social activities.

I encourage all readers who would like to share adages, anecdotes, or memories about their fathers to email them to me. This is what Vivienne T. wrote:

"I thought that you might enjoy knowing about my father, Saul Goldstein. A German-born fugitive from the Nazis, he came to England, learned the language and culture, married my mother, a refugee from Austria, and made a new life. At age 82, they moved to Canada and began life anew in yet another culture, to be near their children (my brother and me) and grandchildren. After my mother died nine years ago, he was encouraged to return to University learning. At the age of 93 he graduated from the University of Toronto, earning a B.Sc. in Psychology with High Distinction. It made not only the Canadian papers, radio and television, but was carried in other countries, too. We have clippings that we cannot read in Chinese, Japanese and Russian, to name just a few! Dad was working towards a Master's degree in Educational Psychology, something that I, a teacher, had not yet done, when deteriorating health forced him to discontinue his much-loved studies last year. He passed away on 4th February, 2008, aged 97- that's what is called living! What a wonderful legacy he left for me, for my children and for my grandchildren."

And remember, taking action is the catalyst for change!

Marvelous Mental Health Days

When my children were small and would complain of a head or stomach ache (invariably on a school day), I'd let them know that their (supposed) ailments weren't necessary to prove, as they could ask to take a "mental health day".

A 2008 survey conducted by ComPsych found that 82% of employees polled confirmed that they took mental health days due to family/relationship issues, stress, personal issues and lack of motivation.

Whether for students or those in the working world, is it time you could benefit from this liberating practice?

• A beginning trend, but not yet widely instituted- more employers are starting to pool sick, personal and vacation days so that workers can take the day off for any reason they deem necessary.

• Start a precedent and plan a mental health day in advance, scheduling it the day before or after the week-end to maximize its benefits.

• It's the hard workers (so give yourself permission for this reward) who truly need to be restored and energized, as idlers will inevitably find excuses not to be working.

• If self-employed or a solo practitioner, think about creating your own fringe benefits-get away from the phone and technological task-masters-you ultimately work better when your personal spark plugs get re-charged.

• Whether spur-of-the-moment or just several hours in duration, make the most of it. (Time for "true confessions"-several years ago, while working as a social worker (high stress, high caseloads), two friends and I suddenly decided to take a breather and meet at the movies. We reveled in "The English Patient", and ended the day feeling deliciously conspiratorial, giggly and NOT guilty-a needed break that was just what the doctor ordered!)

• It sometimes takes practice to elevate this self-nurturing time to an art form-no errands, medical appointments, house cleaning, etc.-pamper yourself and/or spend time with those you love.

• Might the idea of the mental health day stimulate your thinking about the possibility of taking a sabbatical –changing locales, lifestyle, pursuing a dream –who knows?

And remember, taking action is the catalyst for change!

Mired in Misperceptions

Doth you project too much? Assigning the same beliefs, ideas or values to others without validating the veracity of those (projected) convictions, can lead to misunderstandings, misinterpretations, incorrect comprehension and cognitive goofs. Holding onto beliefs solely because they are familiar and comforting, (yet often untested and unchallenged), can lead to self-fulfilling prophesies rather than creative and original thinking:

• When looking back upon errors in judgment, how often were they based upon a lack of knowledge, experience, exposure or open-mindedness?

• Where are these opinions etched in stone? Just because "everyone says", or something is written, it still behooves the reader/participant to examine additional sources, suggestions and ideas.

• Beware of misconceptions created and perpetuated by films, television, the internet, etc. -confusing real life with the (mis)information or the ideal projected in the media often leads to unreal expectations and disappointments.

• Gender differences often lead to miscues and misconceptions about messages (supposedly) given and/or desired by the opposite sex-ask for clarification whenever possible, or get reliable feedback from a trusted friend of the opposite sex.

• Believing that the past is prologue to the future- if someone or something strongly influenced your life in the past, they will ALWAYS determine your feelings and behavior.

• Are irrational beliefs distorting thinking and behavior patterns- ex. seeing yourself as a victim (Why do bad things ALWAYS happen to me?), anything less than perfection is NOT okay, viewing most problems as catastrophes or being "devastated" by disappointments.

• Try putting different attitudes and beliefs in historical perspective- it wasn't all that long ago that there was an uproar about "giving" women the right to vote, or consider the "truisms" promulgated about race in the U.S. prior to the civil rights movement.

• Memory is often kind- it's easy to remember the times we're right, but when wrong, readily forgotten. Try keeping a log of your attitudes and values, checking regularly to see if those notions still hold weight for you.

And remember, taking action is the catalyst for change!