Not So Friendly Enemies

The term, "committed relationship", typically conjures up the idea of meaningful connection to a life-long partner. What happens when a vow (conscious or otherwise), has been made to be wedded to an enemy? An inordinate amount of emotional, psychological and physical energy is often devoted to that negative relationship, leaving little time for positive and healthy ones.

Vengeance may be yours, but consider the price paid in terms of increased stress (such as high blood pressure), anxiety, irritability and emotional stagnation:

• Unlike love, enmity isn't necessarily mutual- oftentimes, the perceived evil doer has no knowledge (or may not even care), about the (negative) devotion showered upon him/her; all the time spent planning and plotting their demise can only be for naught.

• Fixated on the past- is it possible the person, or the situation, has changed? Has the current reality been (re)examined?

• Being wary vs. labeling someone a dastardly foe- when feeling wounded or wronged, try limiting contact, be with others who will buffer or protect you when in the nemesis's presence, or, if necessary, take appropriate legal action.

• Consider a professional mediator (therapist, counselor, etc.) – a disinterested third party may prove to be an effective way toward resolving disputes and can mediate clashes as frequently as necessary.

• Forgive and forget- this does not mean condoning behavior that was in any way injurious to you, but to stop dwelling on the hurt in order to free yourself from the twin demons of anger and hatred.

• Living in a black or white world - no longer have to question what did, or might have happened, or any extenuating circumstances other than the long held (and cherished), memory or interpretation of the slight, damage, or injury inflicted by the antagonist.

• Doth you project too much? Are the traits and behaviors perceived in an opponent the same ones that are part of your own repertoire?

• Spillover effect - deeming friends or family members disloyal if they have any contact with the arch enemy only succeeds in causing rancor, tension and acrimonious feelings for all parties.

• "Equal opportunity haters" - have a plethora of adversaries and rarely see what role they may have played in this arena of enmity, leaving no room for insight, responsibility, or remorse.

• Living well IS the best revenge – what can be more productive and satisfying than focusing on all that brings positive things in your life?

And remember, taking action is the catalyst for change!

Cutting Commitments

Once you start enumerating all your various commitments and what they entail –family (dinners, driving etc.), friends, work, organizations, etc, you soon realize that you've run out of fingers.

Stop, take a deep breath, and think what will ACTUALLY happen if that obligation isn't addressed today? Will it really matter in a month or a year from now? If the answer is "yes", you know it’s essential, but if you respond in the negative…

• Eliminate, or (at least), scale back on one of the commitments: ex. rather than cooking every evening, split the chef duties for dinners between you and your partner (or family).

• Set boundaries-decide what's really important, which thing in each category brings the least amount of satisfaction and prioritize those obligations.

• Initially, others may be disappointed that you're not going to be doing this task, or assume that responsibility, but they WILL get used to it AND get over it.

• Sentimental attachments to stuff - too much of everything ceases to be a good thing. Remove the clutter so that you don't feel as though you have to do more than what, in actuality, has to be done.

• Re-evaluate-if you're spread too thin and constantly harried, are you even able to do your best job? Time to be choosy.

• Freedom from guilt - as your time frees up and your resentment at having to do that job is eliminated, guilt will dissipate. Enjoy it!

• Under-promise–before saying "yes", think about the ramifications of your response. Renegotiate or politely decline requests, suggest alternatives, or re-schedule at more convenient times.

• Delay deadlines-give yourself more breathing space whenever possible, considering if your "due by date" is self-imposed; eliminate things of lesser importance if a deadline is immovable.

• Increase personal power and integrity - when commitments are manageable and realistic your word is indeed your bond.

• It's the vision thing- why allow automatic daily choices, tasks and responsibilities to completely dwarf the grand plan you've constructed for your life? Reverse auto-pilot and commit to what is going to bring that plan to fruition.

And remember, taking action is the catalyst for change!

Pining for a Perfect Past

Romanticizing others' lives, wishing they were your own, caught up in a Hollywood version of the perfect childhood in the bosom of the perfect family, can get to be a favorite, albeit, unproductive pastime.

Over-glorification and idealization of past experiences and relationships makes it difficult to invest in new ones. What's the pay-off for not having to change (holding on to anger, revenge, reveling in, "Poor me!") and remaining stuck?

Before ambling down "memory lane" again, think about what awaits you at the present moment:

• Jot down how frequently you talk about the past-make a concerted effort to substitute information about present and future activities and plans; elicit help from trusted friends to keep you grounded in the "here and now".

• Spring cleaning (at any time of the year) - rid (or remove from sight), old photos, journals, and other mementos which evoke unpleasant memories-why torture yourself with those ever-present reminders?

• Limit contact and redirect ruminative thoughts on positive ideas, plans and experiences– it's easier and healthier to recuperate from past relationships and experiences when not constantly spending with time those that keep you rooted in the past or expending energy obsessing about them.

• Lighten up and put things in your life in perspective-no humor helps to keep you in the same place. Relish the ridiculous and try an "attitude of gratitude".

• Forgive and forget- this does not mean condoning behavior that was in any way injurious to you, but stop dwelling on it in order to free (and forgive) yourself from anger and hatred.

• Look at your life script - what has been your assigned role since childhood? As an adult you no longer have to play the same part!

• The "blame game"- everyone has to deal with unpleasant circumstances, costly mistakes or situations that may have been beyond their control. The choice now is whether to remain a victim or focus on the present and plan for a brighter future.

• Embrace the bittersweet – although reminiscing can sometimes be painful, it can also be cathartic, especially within the presence of trusted friends, family, or professionals. Savor the good memories, but allow yourself to move on.

And remember, taking action is the catalyst for change!

The Great Pretender

Who hasn't had experienced situations in which they've felt like a fake, not feeling proficient, knowledgeable, or competent enough in a job, skill or task? Often, high achieving individuals admit to being wracked by feelings of self-doubt, feeling like a fraud, unable to internalize successes-victims of the "imposter syndrome".

The term "imposter phenomenon" was coined in 1978, describing a trend noted in high achieving women. They suffered from a dire lack of confidence in their abilities regardless of concrete evidence to the contrary. Women have indeed "Come a long way, baby!" since the '70's, but feeling like a fraud has no gender boundaries and is alive and (unfortunately) well in 2009:

• Begin with an inventory of your strengths and weaknesses- have these vetted by a trusted friend and frequently refer back to this list.

• Faulty memory- focusing on times when you haven't done your best, rather than on the numerous successes.

• Denigrating accomplishments and discounting compliments-time to say a simple, "Thank you", WITHOUT qualifiers.

• Dissatisfied with what's been achieved and left feeling that, "I could/should have done better/more"-stop useless ruminating and give yourself the pat on the back you richly deserve!

• Afraid of exposure- others are sure to notice the lack of familiarity, smarts or ability-what's stopping you from pursuing more information, knowledge or education to become even more of an expert?

• Constant comparison to others and believing that you always fall short- you may indeed be exaggerating the success of others while down-playing your own competencies.

• Undeserving of achievements or positions- afraid of being exposed as a fake or having been lucky or in the right place at the right time; yet the truth is that luck, timing and location will take you just so far.

• Avoiding tests or evaluations for fear of not doing well (enough)-study, get tutored and feedback from others in the know to buoy your confidence and reality checking.

• Being a "phony" phony- self deprecation can be used to lower others' expectations and garner assistance even when the "phony" doesn't necessarily believe in his/her lack of competence.

• Distinguish between negative thoughts and feelings of self-doubt vs. the reality of all objective successes-don't hesitate to get reality checks from trusted family, friends, colleagues or professionals.

• Fake it until you make it-behaving "as if" you truly believe you're competent (no time to obsess about perfection), at those things you're uncertain about until you do internalize and fully accept accomplishments.


And remember, taking action is the catalyst for change!

Boosters, Backers and Benefactors

While there has been a seemingly unending list of superlatives to describe the Barak Obama phenomenon, capped by his history making inauguration as President of the United States, I have been particularly struck by his generosity of spirit. He eagerly listens to differing opinions and points of view, extends his hand to former rivals, and continually gives credit to all those who have helped, inspired and nurtured him on his path toward greatness.
As no man (or woman) is an island, consider those who have been your boosters, be they parents, friends, teachers or colleagues who have championed your talents, creativity, and capabilities at different stages of your life. How have they changed your life?

• Personal Cheerleading Squad-consists of those who have unwavering belief in you, be they family, friends, instructors or partners, who have freely given advice, encouragement, ideas and connections.

• Multiple mentors-maximize the knowledge and expertise of patrons who hail from different arenas and fields of interest - know who to go to for each question, idea, task, skill, or different viewpoint for "outside the box" thinking.

• Make a list of all those who have been your tireless aficionados, who backed you, opened doors, opportunities and contacts which have proved invaluable-have you adequately thanked them?

• Who are the prime enthusiasts you now regularly seek out when in need of a pep talk? What is it about these individuals and their advice that keeps you coming back for more?

• What specific counsel/encouragement/challenges made your benefactor's gifts memorable and helpful?

• Take advantage of quotes, books, CDs, affirmations, aphorisms, etc. from motivating, instructive and uplifting leaders, sages, teachers and philosophers for on-going guidance and inspiration.

• In times of transition, surround yourself with steadfast fans, those who optimistically give you a boost whenever they can, whenever they see you're in need.

• Is it time for you to nurture and invest in another's success? What will you offer a "mentee" as their benefactor/guardian/ally, showing them the ropes in their chosen profession, endeavors, or life paths?

And remember, taking action is the catalyst for change!

No Dress Rehearsals

One day I'll, ____ (fill in the blank). If this statement seems all too familiar, it's time to embrace the idea of carpe diem (seize the day!), as life truly does not offer any dress rehearsals. Visualize "opening night" seeing yourself as both the director and the star of the show. As the "curtain goes up", you've made a commitment to the "here and now" as the showcase for your stellar performance.

In the song, "Clouds", Joni Mitchell plaintively sang, "It's life's illusions I recall, I really don't know life at all". Does this metaphor strike too close to home?

• Differentiate between a genuine need for practice vs. an excuse to never effect the actual presentation?

• Convenient excuses- waiting for the right person, the right job, the right time, as a way to stay stuck, being "too busy" to take the necessary steps to implement change.

• Equating patience with procrastination-is indecision stopping your dreams, goals, or desires from becoming realities?

• Using perfection as the yardstick to measure all- an insurance policy to guarantee that change will not happen.

• Is the phrase, "If only…", being used ad infinitum, as a way to remain a victim of circumstances, or maintaining that others are responsible for foiling your plans?

• By not capturing the moment, you may not have the opportunities or the capabilities you have right NOW!

• Living in the future-masking dissatisfaction and disillusionment in the present, always awaiting the thing (new house, car, relationship, etc.), which will surely bring contentment.

• Are memories and perennial nostalgia your jailer?-constantly checking that rear-view mirror, allowing the past to infect the present?

• Have you had any dramatic life altering experiences? How did they impact your life? What changes did they initiate? If you did it once, you CAN do it again!

And remember, taking action is the catalyst for change!

Rapid Rapport

My "soul sister" and I have often been taken to be "real" sisters, even though we really look nothing like one another. When first asked if we were siblings, we just laughed and couldn't understand why anyone thought we were related. After having been asked this question time and again, we realized that it was the similar gestures, our obvious affinity toward one another, and our shared interests and values that gave this appearance of relatedness.

Rapport is that ineffable "click" that occurs when both parties realize that they are on the same wavelength. Discovering that you have similar ideas, beliefs, values and interests add to a feeling of camaraderie, trust and consonance, establishing the basis for long-lasting relationships.

Here are a few ways to increase your "rapport score":

• Friendliness and smiling-accept no substitutes, as these two are truly worth their weight in the gold, as they emphasize approachability, affability and authenticity.

• Watch your language-don't bog down your conversation with professional jargon, an alphabet soup of abbreviations unfamiliar (and off-putting) to others, or constant reference to individuals who aren't likely to be known.

• Mirroring body language-when in sync with another, there is often an unconscious matching of posture, gesture, eye contact, and movements conveying the message that, "This person is like me!"

• Matching paralanguage-the non-verbal content of language, i.e. laughing, sighing, intonations, hesitations, etc. also promote powerful bonds which strengthen connectedness.

• Humans are pre-disposed to reciprocal behavior- to facilitate a greater sense of affinity, (subtly and tactfully) mimic gestures, vocal tone, language content and body positioning.

• Ask open-ended questions-master the art of posing questions which engender thoughtful, open and honest responses, paving the way to really get to know someone.

And remember, taking action is the catalyst for change!