Quality Vs. Quantity Quandary

Who sold us the bill of goods that "quality time" inevitably trumps the quantity of time spent in nurturing a relationship? Prior to over-scheduled lives, long work hours, endless distractions and commitments, it was a given that significant and meaningful connections between individuals required a great deal of time, energy, caring, concern and togetherness to form lasting bonds.

Obviously, there is a place for special activities, scheduling and plans. The problem is that so many important interactions can become stressful when having to adhere to a pre-planned timetable. The myth about quality time continues to be perpetrated, even though unforeseen circumstances often interrupt or foil the arrangements for those unique experiences; each occasion often loaded with a contrived "specialness" and pressure to enjoy.

Exceptional instances generally occur within the context of quantity- talking, listening, laughing, and loving and being together:

•Having fun and stress-free activities – when people (particularly children) have to figure out activities or plans for themselves, they invariably come up with lots of fun, creative, and unforgettable ideas.

•Good memories – while special times often do generate wonderful reminiscences, the overriding sense of being connected, cherished and cared for ultimately produces memories associated with great feelings.

•Yearning for security and attachment - enjoying physical contact, closeness, and companionship rather than fleeting or programmed interactions in one another's company.

•Savoring the simple- gets away from that rushed pace, effort (and stress), focusing on "being" rather than doing.

•Think of "pre-TV" life (not to mention existence before the host of contemporary electronic devices) – indoor and outdoor sports, art activities, reading aloud, playing games, or just "hanging out" together, rather than scheduling every minute of the day.

•Loss of a sense of intimacy – frequently, a sense of guilt rather than a feeling of mutuality is produced due to the emphasis on formal and distinctive (and often expensive), activities.


•Why not both - both quality and quantity are important in many areas of our lives when relating to both children and adults. Akin to everything else in life, it's balance that counts.


And remember, taking action is the catalyst for change!

The Magic of Mistakes

"Genius? Nothing! Sticking to it is the genius! ... I've failed my way to success."

-Thomas Edison (It took Edison over 1,000 tries before he invented a light bulb that worked!).

One of the biggest "booboos" in history was Columbus' "discovery" of America, while trying to figure out the quickest route to India. Other legendary "errors" are: penicillin, Teflon, the Frisbee, chocolate chip cookies, Coca cola, and "post-it" notes, naming but a few.

We all begin as experts in trial and error (watch any toddler learning to walk and talk), but quickly learn that mistakes are to be avoided rather than embraced. What might it be like if we were encouraged to cherish our mistakes, investigating and understanding how the world works and how to make things work better, more creatively and differently?

• Mistakes as opportunities - without them, individuals and cultures would wither and die, so treasure them as invaluable guides and learning experiences.

• Why make infallibility the goal? - the need for perfection often stultifies ingenuity, creates anxiety and presents excuses for not finishing or accomplishing the task at hand.

• Change your self-talk - monitor that inner dialog, eliminating the idea of failure (or the labels "stupid" or "incompetent"), for having done something incorrectly. What did you learn from those blunders and how does it motivate you to do things differently?

• Figuring out what does work - inspired trial and error is the sure path for getting to the best solution, eliminating what hasn't worked and steering clear of dead ends.

• Blunders, botches, slip-ups, goofs (and all their cousins), are steps along the way toward better ideas and discoveries – competency is often achieved after many "failures". It's tenacity that ultimately counts!

• Gateways to invention and innovation - a variety of goofs and gaffes often pave the way to that "Aha!" moment, knowing when you've hit upon the right idea or explanation (or provided the inspiration for an entirely new concept or creation).

• Appreciate the learning curve - information isn't just ingested, with immediate knowledge of how to do something. How did you learn to use a computer, play an instrument, attain athletic prowess? Would you have become as knowledgeable and proficient if you did it "right" the first time?

• Develops elephant hide - gives you lots of experience and confidence in warding off the judgments of "naysayers", learning to handle rejection, and the firm belief in your own opinions, innovations and ideas.

• Early warning system - the brain is hardwired to give signals as a reminder to avoid repeating painful mistakes, providing a blueprint for making more informed decisions in the future. What benefits have you derived from past mistakes?
on after life-altering mistakes - whether there was a botched marriage, career path, financial decision or something that had great consequences, the past cannot be changed. Time to assess the flaws or faults in those areas and be mindful (and have a plan), about using the past as a prologue to a better future.

•Gets you going - even when initially headed in the wrong direction, the important thing is that the process has begun. It's fear of failure that paralyzes the possibilities for success.

And remember, taking action is the catalyst for change!

Over Analysis Equals Paralysis

Although reflection and introspection are necessary components of self knowledge and problem-solving, do you or others that you know fall into the trap of becoming overwhelmed by “overthinking”?

Is the "R" word (rumination), an all consuming and guiding principle of your life?

• Constant ruminating often damages relationships, always needing to be reassured and guaranteeing that the ruminator becomes a "downer" to be with.

• Constant worrying ensures that life is viewed through a distorted lens, associating negative thoughts and feelings when thinking about the past, present and future.

• Engaging in catastrophic thinking generally leads to making poor, unreasoned and deleterious decisions.

• Constantly nurturing pessimistic thoughts and emotions will certainly send you into a negative tailspin of hopelessness and helplessness.

• When you catch yourself in the act of morbid meditation, immediately tell yourself to STOP! Substitute healthy behavior by calling an upbeat friend, taking a walk, doing something fun, etc.

• Repetitive and passive dwelling upon disappointments, difficulties and "disasters" allow these facts of life to assume gigantic, unproductive, and unrealistic proportions.

• Remember, a ruminant is in the cow, sheep, goat family. Next time you start ruminating, visualize these thoughts as the "cud" you keep chewing on. Appreciate how ridiculous this looks, learn to laugh at it, and focus on something positive.

And remember, taking action is the catalyst for change!

Errands "Lite"

If endless errands seem to be the bane of your existence, it’s time to figure out new and creative approaches to getting them done. Rather than the daily plaint of, "If I only had more time"(no extension of the twenty-four hour day is yet available), be mindful about those duties you readily accomplish and those that are somehow always “on hold”.

Try enacting time and step-saving systems, changing not only the frequency and the way you tackle these necessary duties, but also your attitude toward “errand encroachment”:

• Stockpiling and storing the essentials- depending upon your storage space, have enough basics to last you for at least one month. Investing in an extra cabinet or shelving can truly be worth its weight in gold.

• "Errand Command Center"- establish a central place for lists, things to return, dry cleaning, etc. where it’s easily seen (and remembered) before leaving home.

• Redesign your “errandmobile”- keep a box or basket next to you in the car for reminder notes, letters to mail, pick-ups to be made, etc.

• Geographical juxtapositioning- group together activities in the same general vicinity. A bit of forethought will allow you to knock off those things on your “To Do” list without back-tracking.

• What are friends for?- alternate tasks (making sure it’s always a two-way street), with neighbors, family, or friends, particularly when you live in the same neighborhood. Carpooling or picking up a few items for one another while shopping, saves a great deal of time, money (especially when it keeps you out of the stores), and effort.

• Exercise and errand combo- decide which missions can be accomplished by walking, jogging, or bike riding to them. When driving is essential, park in a central location and “kill two birds with one stone”, completing your task while taking advantage of walking.

• Technological timesavers- use your phone, computer, or any other tech devices whenever possible. Have bills automatically deducted from your checking account, order various products and services online, which also help to lessen your carbon footprint (less driving, manufacturers needing to print fewer catalogs, etc.)

• Simple solutions- rethink things like meal plans so that you don’t have to make extra grocery runs; assigning easily managed jobs to other family members can go a long way in eliminating extra work and errands.

• Time vs. money-figure out the cost/benefit advantages of what you may actually be paying to drive a fair distance to get a bargain; weigh both the financial vs. time savings in making online purchases or using delivery services.

And remember, taking action is the catalyst for change!

Your Prerogative To Be Offended

Crunch, crunch, crunch! Is that the sound of eggshells being broken by those who dare to tread on forbidden topics while in your presence? Or, are you so busy avoiding potential landmines when conversing with a (hyper) sensitive friend or relation that you’re left feeling drained and uncomfortable, always having to second guess what will cause offence?

If this were a job application stating that, "Only the thin-skinned need apply", who would be the likely candidate?

• Expecting others to be mind readers - all of us have rules and regs (consciously or not), which determine what will or will not offend us -it's each person's responsibility to be clear about what's expected.

• Generational legacy (particularly in family feuds) - children quickly learn that the only way to resolve differences is to cut off all communication with the (supposed) evil-doer.

• Miscommunication - consider the context in which things are said or done. What are the odds you may have misunderstood or misinterpreted what transpired?

• Benefits of reflection over brooding – it’s not a criminal offense to take time to respond to some remark which MIGHT have been insensitive; rather than endlessly mulling it over, get feedback from a trusted individual who has a different perspective on the situation.

• "The teapot calling the kettle black"? - intolerant of others' traits which you may have: rarely think you're wrong, bored when having to listen to others, easily irritated and untrusting, can't abide anything less than perfection (the list continues, ad nauseum).

• The ultimate insult is not having others take your advice – whatever happened to freedom of choice?

• Learn to jokingly parry or simply ignore - when the expected rise is not gotten, the person quickly learns you are not an easy mark and goes onto the next victim.

•Lighten up and give the benefit of the doubt-chalk it up to someone having a bad day, being in a bad place, etc. and relish the ridiculousness of the situation (in other words, laugh at it!).

• Whether the offender or the offendee, could this be an instance of hypocrisy under the guise of political correctness?


And remember, taking action is the catalyst for change!

Not So Friendly Enemies

The term, "committed relationship", typically conjures up the idea of meaningful connection to a life-long partner. What happens when a vow (conscious or otherwise), has been made to be wedded to an enemy? An inordinate amount of emotional, psychological and physical energy is often devoted to that negative relationship, leaving little time for positive and healthy ones.

Vengeance may be yours, but consider the price paid in terms of increased stress (such as high blood pressure), anxiety, irritability and emotional stagnation:

• Unlike love, enmity isn't necessarily mutual- oftentimes, the perceived evil doer has no knowledge (or may not even care), about the (negative) devotion showered upon him/her; all the time spent planning and plotting their demise can only be for naught.

• Fixated on the past- is it possible the person, or the situation, has changed? Has the current reality been (re)examined?

• Being wary vs. labeling someone a dastardly foe- when feeling wounded or wronged, try limiting contact, be with others who will buffer or protect you when in the nemesis's presence, or, if necessary, take appropriate legal action.

• Consider a professional mediator (therapist, counselor, etc.) – a disinterested third party may prove to be an effective way toward resolving disputes and can mediate clashes as frequently as necessary.

• Forgive and forget- this does not mean condoning behavior that was in any way injurious to you, but to stop dwelling on the hurt in order to free yourself from the twin demons of anger and hatred.

• Living in a black or white world - no longer have to question what did, or might have happened, or any extenuating circumstances other than the long held (and cherished), memory or interpretation of the slight, damage, or injury inflicted by the antagonist.

• Doth you project too much? Are the traits and behaviors perceived in an opponent the same ones that are part of your own repertoire?

• Spillover effect - deeming friends or family members disloyal if they have any contact with the arch enemy only succeeds in causing rancor, tension and acrimonious feelings for all parties.

• "Equal opportunity haters" - have a plethora of adversaries and rarely see what role they may have played in this arena of enmity, leaving no room for insight, responsibility, or remorse.

• Living well IS the best revenge – what can be more productive and satisfying than focusing on all that brings positive things in your life?

And remember, taking action is the catalyst for change!

Cutting Commitments

Once you start enumerating all your various commitments and what they entail –family (dinners, driving etc.), friends, work, organizations, etc, you soon realize that you've run out of fingers.

Stop, take a deep breath, and think what will ACTUALLY happen if that obligation isn't addressed today? Will it really matter in a month or a year from now? If the answer is "yes", you know it’s essential, but if you respond in the negative…

• Eliminate, or (at least), scale back on one of the commitments: ex. rather than cooking every evening, split the chef duties for dinners between you and your partner (or family).

• Set boundaries-decide what's really important, which thing in each category brings the least amount of satisfaction and prioritize those obligations.

• Initially, others may be disappointed that you're not going to be doing this task, or assume that responsibility, but they WILL get used to it AND get over it.

• Sentimental attachments to stuff - too much of everything ceases to be a good thing. Remove the clutter so that you don't feel as though you have to do more than what, in actuality, has to be done.

• Re-evaluate-if you're spread too thin and constantly harried, are you even able to do your best job? Time to be choosy.

• Freedom from guilt - as your time frees up and your resentment at having to do that job is eliminated, guilt will dissipate. Enjoy it!

• Under-promise–before saying "yes", think about the ramifications of your response. Renegotiate or politely decline requests, suggest alternatives, or re-schedule at more convenient times.

• Delay deadlines-give yourself more breathing space whenever possible, considering if your "due by date" is self-imposed; eliminate things of lesser importance if a deadline is immovable.

• Increase personal power and integrity - when commitments are manageable and realistic your word is indeed your bond.

• It's the vision thing- why allow automatic daily choices, tasks and responsibilities to completely dwarf the grand plan you've constructed for your life? Reverse auto-pilot and commit to what is going to bring that plan to fruition.

And remember, taking action is the catalyst for change!