NO FRIENDS LIKE OLD FRIENDS

Having just attended a (mini) high school reunion, it was easy to see why the bonds cemented by intense friendships with those who were our secret keepers, adventurous co-conspirators, and acceptors of our vulnerabilities still held sway, making the event a totally positive, meaningful and memorable experience. Although decades had passed since seeing many of these schoolmates, there was no difficulty in picking up where we last left off, relishing that ephemeral feeling that time had almost stood still, reminiscing about that exuberant, carefree and fun segment of our lives:

• Nostalgia is not a dirty word- harkens back to lighthearted and (often) more innocent times-can serve as a blueprint for recapturing things perhaps now missing in life.

• Revel in the hilarity of looking at old pictures, films, and videos and appreciate yourself and your pals at those stages of life-you’re with people who loved you as you were.

• Friendships were always a priority- the frequency and proximity for having regular contact with these buddies made closeness and interdependence natural and easy; friendships are still an integral part of emotional (and ultimately, physical) health, so stop making excuses and set aside the time!

• Making amends-at this reunion, one friend said she had to apologize to another for her abominable junior high school behavior over a “stolen” boyfriend- great opportunities do exist to set things right.

• Excitement at finding a “new” old friend- not having been close friends “way back when”, yet finding you’ve both grown to now have a great deal in common.

• Letting it all hang out- it’s unnecessary to have to hide your age, where you came from, crazy things you might have said and done, so exhale and enjoy.

• Let your fingers do the walking (on your computer)- use social networking and online alumni finder sites as an easy way to connect with those with whom you’ve lost touch.

And remember, taking action is the catalyst for change!

BAD APPLES SPOIL MORE THAN BARRELS

Not surprisingly, the “bad apples” in our midst often leave destructive and lingering ill effects. This toxic fruit is particularly adept at lowering the morale of any environment he/she inhabits. According to a University of Washington study, rotten apples cause so much havoc because negative behavior actually overrides positive behavior; having one or two “goodies” around doesn’t sufficiently counter the effect of the “baddies”. Most people tend to be caught off guard by undermining and harmful conduct, either becoming angry or hurt, withdrawing, or denying the severity of the poisonous contact.

Here’s help to make sure you’re not easy pickens’:

• Beware of the bad apple’s many guises: bully, martyr, slacker (who believes he/she is so overworked), persistent naysayer, equal opportunity hater (of just about everything), the unrelenting devil’s advocate, the maven (a world class expert on just about everything).

• Conduct this simple experiment: when the bad apple is absent from work for several days or doesn’t attend a few family or social gatherings, is there is a positive change in the entire atmosphere? Begin documenting these instances to open discussion about your findings.

• Consider how to shield yourself from this downbeat environment-you may not be able to quit your job (just yet), or absent yourself from all family functions, but clear boundaries and alternative behavioral strategies can be enacted when dealing with this individual.

• When management, family (unfortunately), or certain groups enshrine a culture of negativity, it becomes all-pervasive- allowing the rotten apples power and status under the guise of competence, efficiency, reform, maintaining the status quo, etc.

• Enlist the support of other like-minded friends, family, or colleagues- time to discuss the situation with others similarly affected and devise plans to limit contact and discourse, have set responses that politely, yet firmly convey your attitudes and expectations, whenever possible, engage the help of the “powers that be”, etc.

And remember, taking action is the catalyst for change!

Mompreneurs, Et Al

So much has been written about work/life balance, yet, who exactly has been able to achieve it? “Mompreneur”, a term coined about ten years ago, described women with young children who were leaving the work force to be home with their kids, and who ultimately designed a successful blueprint for combining family life with the world of work.

Lest the “Mompreneur” explosion (nearly two thirds of home-based businesses are owned by women with children), be viewed as a passing fad, a 2007 report stated that a variety of groups will change the face of entrepreneurship over the coming decade. Often, by focusing on a niche market with which they are familiar, these individuals will come from the ranks of high-schoolers (Teenpreneurs), new immigrants (Newpreneurs), middle-lifers seeking change (Midpreneurs), retirees (Seniorpreneurs)-make up a name which describes who you are, what you want to pursue, or what you plan on offering:

· Entrepreneurship is more prevalent and lifestyle–friendly- technology, particularly the use of cell phones and the internet, has changed the face of doing business (often doing so at any given hour of the day or night).

· Recipe for success: choose a business idea that inspires you and can incorporate all your values, research the need for the products or services you’ll be offering, affiliate with a network of like-minded colleagues, a willingness to probably work long hours, and make it a family business where everyone pitches in.

· Be realistic-list the perks of a home-based business: making your own hours, more time with kids, partner, family, etc., no commuting or rent vs. the drawbacks: lack of daily camaraderie with co-workers, need to be a self-starter and be disciplined (it’s easier to procrastinate), no formal office.

· A 2006 interactive survey found that 60% of fathers interviewed (only 3% less than the mothers), voiced a desire to be at home with their families. There is also a significant rise in the number of fathers who have primary custody of their children, all signaling a need for Dad(or Parent)preneurs.

· Incorporate all you learn from trial and error-endless planning, feedback and research goes into setting up any kind of business, but flexibility is still the byword. The best laid plans often get tweaked or substituted for even better and more ingenious ones.

· It’s stressful and often inefficient to constantly be a one-woman (or man) band -outsource whenever possible (try bartering goods or services), use a virtual office program, network in person or on the internet (look into “meet up groups” which fit your needs), establish a Mastermind group, etc.

· Establish your own dream team- build a substantial and sustaining support system, with a myriad of resources-from your personal boosters (spouses, children, family and friends), to reliable babysitters, financial experts, webmasters, etc.

· Consider the possibility of working part-time at home and also having a separate “real” office -this can be done by sub-leasing office space, bartering services for the occasional use of an office, share space to reduce costs.

· Start small (but think big), and grow as orders or clients really multiply.

And remember, taking action is the catalyst for change!

Vexing Verbs

A client, enumerating the myriad reasons for her divorce, stated that her husband “didn’t do verbs”. She explained that any action was generally too much to expect of him, or once begun, things were generally not completed.

Think back to your earliest grammar lessons, when taught that nouns were naming words and verbs were action words. Other parts of speech which modify verbs are also indicators of how language conveys and determines active vs. passive responses in all types of decisions and interactions:

•What ar e the verbs that regularly pepper your vocabulary? Are they descriptive of how you see yourself and the image you project to the world?

• Do your words and expressions spur you on to satisfying and successful deeds and accomplishments?

• Take inventory of the verbs or phrases you use which are ineffective. What powerful language will you then employ? (Hint: Instead of, “I’ll try”, substitute, “I will”; in place of “This/he/she/it makes me”, insert, “I choose to”, etc.).

• Be specific and concrete-rather than stating that, “I want to get a new job”, clearly state what type of job you want, within what time frame, what salary range, etc., so that you are conveying a tangible message to yourself.

• Is the language you use conversant with the non-verbal cues you give- body language, tone of voice, facial expressions, etc?

• Incorporate verbs which transmit positive physical movement- those that translate into actual and explicit measures to be taken and accomplished.

And remember, taking action is the catalyst for change!

Arise and Sing

Years ago, I attended a baby shower for my friend Patricia, a very talented soprano. Most of the attendees were either professional opera singers or voice coaches. When asked by another guest if I, too, was a singer, my immediate response was, “Are you kidding? In this group, I wouldn’t even try to hum!”

The thing is, I always loved singing, but never felt my voice good enough for public consumption. Fast forward two decades: I decided to dedicate a song (as a surprise), to my husband for a big birthday bash. The person who gave me the courage to perform was my friend (and musical mentor), Danny Dworsky, a professional musician of incredible talent (and patience). Learning how to breathe properly, phrase the lyrics and get around the high notes made the experience exhilarating and the actual performance a most memorable occasion.

Devotees of singing believe that vocal expression, besides being thoroughly enjoyable, is also therapeutic. Some even compare the impact yoga has had during this decade with the importance which will be given to singing lessons, classes, and groups within the next one. If you’re a frustrated singer, think you’ll now be game?

• Research has found that singing boosts the immune system by increasing levels of cortisol and immunoglobin A (listening to music, although pleasurable, does not have the same effect).

• Don’t discount your solos in the shower or when alone in the car –breaking into song promotes well-being, better health, and reduces pain by releasing endorphins.

• Singing has been associated with lower heart rate, increased lung capacity, higher energy, improved posture, relaxation and enhanced mood- so what if you’re sometimes off key?

• Group singing promotes rapid rapport, whether a duet, choir or songfests, releasing oxytocin (that “feel good”) hormone and promoting emotional bonding.

• Associations with songs harkens memories of great and significant times-revel in them.

• Singing, as opposed to speaking, often conveys emotional messages by the choice of song and its lyrics, vocal power, phrasing, crescendo, etc.

• For an extra bonus, try adding your favorite dance routine to your virtuoso voice performance (who hasn’t seen a Broadway show and imagined being up on that stage?).

And remember, taking action is the catalyst for change!

The "Schmata Syndrome"

"Schmata" is another priceless Yiddishism, literally a rag, but often connoting something worthless or of inferior quality: "The dress your ex's husband's new wife is wearing" is an old joke which conveys its ultimate definition.

However, a person who is considered a schmata is the one who always gets taken advantage of, dumped on, ripped off, often referred to as a "doormat". Ever feel like someone's wiping their feet off on you?

• Time to examine yourself and your relationships carefully by understanding your own motivations-wanting to be liked and respected, afraid of losing friends, uncertain of your true opinions, etc.

• Being defined as a wimp or wimpette-always being the "nice guy or girl", while afraid of hurting others' feelings, hating to see others sad (they WILL get over it!), or fearful of expressing your own needs and desires.

• Allowing others to treat you like a child, choosing what's "best" for you- of course, this really means what's best for them!

• The perennial doormat-concern about others to the extreme- is left vulnerable to anger, stress, and fatigue, which can take a serious toll on the immune system.

• Walking around with a sign that says, "Kick me!"- you may be a natural peace maker and giver, but it's time to be discerning and weigh the merits of EACH request- no need to constantly acquiesce and feel over-burdened and ultimately resentful.

• Not wanting to be labeled selfish, stubborn, or uncooperative- is it possible this SELF-labeling is over-exaggerated in order not to change behavior?

• "People pleasers" who cave in to the disappointment expressed by others when their requests have been turned down- validate their feelings without changing your answer (e.g. "I understand your disappointment, but I still can't do this" – even when they keep coming up with different ways to get you to capitulate.).

• Is your partner (or other important people in your life), calling all the shots-when was the last time you had input for important decisions?

• Always needing to be cheerful and upbeat regardless of negative feelings and things happening in your life which are considerably less than perfect- this pattern often leads to loss of self respect, guilt, passivity and wobbly boundaries.

• Seen by others as innocuously inoffensive or weak because the "real you" is being hidden behind this façade.

• You've advanced to the point where you can actually say no to a request, but, as the conversation proceeds, find you have agreed to do something you really don't want to do- time to master the polite right of refusal- ex. "Let me think about this", "I can recommend someone who…" etc.

And remember, taking action is the catalyst for change!

The Perils of Pettiness

Last week, upon answering a knock on the door, I recognized our neighbor, with his walker in tow, asking to have a word with us. He wasn't collecting for a charity (as I initially thought), but needed the approval of a majority of homeowners to get a larger parking space. After hip replacement surgery, additional swivel room was necessary to get out of his car with the walker. One resident, claiming that the handicapped individual (who happened to be on the building's board), was thus getting an unfair advantage, blocked approval. Hence, a majority of owners now needed to sign the petition.

I was struck by the pettiness (and mean spiritedness) of the protester - as if this gentleman had his hip replaced in order to get a better parking spot! However, my dismay inevitably led me to the idea for this week's Tip:

• Choose the reputation and legacy by which you want to be known – one of generosity of spirit or of spite and small-mindedness.

• Don't sweat the small stuff- we all have to deal with piddling annoyances as a fact of life. Keep things in perspective without dwelling upon insignificant (and mistaken?) rebuffs and rebukes.

• Ask this question to determine whether to act upon your annoyance or anger: Will it be important in a week, a month, or a year? If not, let it go!

• Choosing to live in conflict –is the rush of "battle" fueling a need to argue (and win) in an inordinate number of interchanges? Why, and at what price glory?

• Stop rationalizing- is their a belief that others, due to their inadequacies somehow "deserve" to be berated, made to feel insignificant or be scolded and reprimanded for minor infractions?

• Cultivating pettiness cements the need to be hyper-vigilant- constantly on guard against the smallest slight or offense, whether intentional or not.

• What are the underlying and motivating factors? –fear (what exactly are you afraid of?) and low self esteem-there's no time like the present to examine the cost of trivial and narrow minded thinking (trusted friends and professional feedback may be particularly helpful).

• "Do unto others…"- the Golden Rule needs no explanation.

And remember, taking action is the catalyst for change!

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