Rapid Rapport

My "soul sister" and I have often been taken to be "real" sisters, even though we really look nothing like one another. When first asked if we were siblings, we just laughed and couldn't understand why anyone thought we were related. After having been asked this question time and again, we realized that it was the similar gestures, our obvious affinity toward one another, and our shared interests and values that gave this appearance of relatedness.

Rapport is that ineffable "click" that occurs when both parties realize that they are on the same wavelength. Discovering that you have similar ideas, beliefs, values and interests add to a feeling of camaraderie, trust and consonance, establishing the basis for long-lasting relationships.

Here are a few ways to increase your "rapport score":

• Friendliness and smiling-accept no substitutes, as these two are truly worth their weight in the gold, as they emphasize approachability, affability and authenticity.

• Watch your language-don't bog down your conversation with professional jargon, an alphabet soup of abbreviations unfamiliar (and off-putting) to others, or constant reference to individuals who aren't likely to be known.

• Mirroring body language-when in sync with another, there is often an unconscious matching of posture, gesture, eye contact, and movements conveying the message that, "This person is like me!"

• Matching paralanguage-the non-verbal content of language, i.e. laughing, sighing, intonations, hesitations, etc. also promote powerful bonds which strengthen connectedness.

• Humans are pre-disposed to reciprocal behavior- to facilitate a greater sense of affinity, (subtly and tactfully) mimic gestures, vocal tone, language content and body positioning.

• Ask open-ended questions-master the art of posing questions which engender thoughtful, open and honest responses, paving the way to really get to know someone.

And remember, taking action is the catalyst for change!

Unlimited Life Lists

Last week, prior to the New Year, the suggestion was to ask a variety of questions, rather than making (easily broken) resolutions for 2009. Continuing with the premise that New Year's resolutions often create more anxiety than satisfaction, another interesting, concrete and fun alternative is the Life List.

Wishes, goals, dreams and things to accomplish, from the mundane to totally life-changing endeavors, can be compiled at an on-going basis. Popular goals seen repeatedly on Life Lists are: learn to cook, have a baby, get a dog, move out, plant a garden, take dancing lessons, visit every continent, stick to a budget, save money, be my own boss, lose weight, write a book, quit smoking, run a marathon, exercise regularly, get a Ph.D, learn to become a gourmet cook, learn a foreign language, take piano lessons, meditate, make a movie-the list is literally endless.

What will you put on this personal itinerary, which places to go, people to meet, and things to see and do?

• Include only the goals you WANT to achieve, not those you think you SHOULD do.

• When starting your Life List, be sure that there are one or two objectives that you can immediately accomplish-this will give the necessary momentum to add more tasks and tackle the "biggies".

• Put goals in a positive light and be specific- i.e. rather than, "be more environmentally aware", how about, "use cloth rather than paper napkins".

• Be sure they're varied (noble, wacky, very personal, chancy, etc), fun and that they don't conjure up drudgery.

• Flexibility is key- objectives are not etched in stone, so add and subtract over time to keep them relevant and meaningful to your life.

• Involve friends and family- adds immediacy, vibrancy and inspiration to the objectives on your list, as your support system will come up with great ideas, keep you on track and cheer you on.

• Focuses on the big picture- clarity gained about what's really important to you and a sense of satisfaction as you check off those things on your Life List which you've accomplished.

• Gets you past those "blah" times- knowing you have purpose, much to learn and dreams awaiting fulfillment proves to be very uplifting and exciting even when experiencing a less than optimal time in your life.

And remember, taking action is the catalyst for change!

Top Ten New Year's Questions

Wishing you and yours a most happy, healthy and fulfilling 2009!

Rather than getting stuck with the idea of making resolutions for the New Year (and the attendant guilt of not fulfilling them), try, "Makin' a list and checkin' it twice", by asking these questions as 2009 approaches:

1. In what SPECIFIC ways do you plan to make 2009 different than 2008?

2. What "unfinished business" do I really want to complete (not what someone else thinks you should do)?

3. What are my top five accomplishments this year (include both major and minor achievements)?

4. What are the three things that were the most fun and brought the greatest pleasure?

5. What were the most/least enjoyable things I did? Why?

6. Which things presented the greatest difficulties or obstacles? How did I deal with them or rectify the situation?

7. In what concrete way(s) did I make a difference or significant contribution? List them.

8. How will I keep track of my progress- journal, computer tracking, and accountability buddy, coach, etc?

9. Who is the person(s) who has had the greatest impact on my life this past year? Do I foresee the significance of this relationship continuing during 2009? Why or why not?

10. What are the things for which you're grateful (from the mundane to the sublime)?

And remember, taking action is the catalyst for change!

Back-Up Bonuses

Never underestimate the importance of having back-up plans. Rather than being wedded to specific outcomes, try having one or more additional ideas of how you can meet your needs or objectives if all does not go exactly according to schedule.

What do you do when things don’t work out just the way they were “supposed to”? Do you pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and start all over again, considering (often, thought about in advance), how a Plan B (or C), might get the job done?

• Spending a great deal of time spent re-hashing what didn’t work rather than giving some additional or different ideas a try?

• Are you often left feeling like a victim? If so, it’s definitely time to think about several options you might reasonably consider, remembering that perfection (in this case, the perfect plan), rarely exists and can be a great excuse for doing nothing!

• Think about instances in which your initial arrangements fell through, but the plan you then instituted turned out to be the better one. Keep a list of these situations and outcomes, as they probably have occurred more frequently than you realized.

• Enlist feedback from trusted friends, family, colleagues, etc. to gather their input and suggestions for things you might change, incorporate, or discard from your initial ideas or concepts.

• Do research- find out how experts and other savvy sources on the subject/problem you’re considering have handled similar situations -list the pros and cons of the advice being given?

• Are you permitting yourself the right to change your mind? Whether mid-way through a chartered course, or even once completed, if it hasn’t worked out the way envisioned, what new approaches can now be considered and instituted?

• What areas of your life may need some re-planning and creative approaches to problem solving?

And remember, taking action is the catalyst for change!

Misery Loves Too Much Company

A recent study conducted at the University of Missouri-Columbia, indicated that spending an inordinate amount of time dwelling on problems can have serious negative effects, including depression, anxiety and hypertension. Although this study focused on “co-ruminating” (excessive discussion and re-hashing of problems, accentuating negative feelings without taking steps to ameliorate the dilemmas), between girls, the consequences can be deleterious at any age.

If you find yourself or a friend drifting toward a co-ruminating pattern, consider these alternatives:

• The difference between reflection and brooding- airing and analyzing problems (and often finding solutions), can be therapeutic and cathartic, while revisiting issues, ad nauseum, ensures stagnation.

• Create opportunities to be proactive and participate in positive activities-volunteer, take walks, exercise, do crafts, listen to or play music, etc.

• Is technology exacerbating the problem? Unrelenting communication, allowing everyone in a “group” to add their "two-cents worth", and dissecting every thought and utterance can actually lead to further disengagement from problem-solving and accentuate depressed moods.

• Is the communication ultimately more selfish than social? Rather than focusing on resolving the issues, the problem is kept alive, with all the energy and focus directed toward the ruminator(s).

• Adroitly convey the message that it’s time to move on- don’t get sucked in to yet another discussion on the same theme; be prepared to focus on other (upbeat) topics or suggest ideas about things to do together.

• Time to assess the relationship-what, besides constant commiseration, do you have in common? Is the bond enhancing or diminishing, and can the interaction be changed?

And remember, taking action is the catalyst for change!

Countering Automatic Negative Thoughts (ANTS)

Automatic Negative Thoughts (ANTS) are automatic largely because they have recurred many times over one's lifetime. Significant emotional experiences during childhood or adolescence intensify these responses, so the likelihood of them disappearing overnight is between slim and none!

ANT elimination therefore requires repeated counter-attacks. Placing them under the "microscope" reveals them to be untrue and counter-productive. Try asking yourself these questions:

*Evidence: What is the objective evidence for this ANT?

*Exaggeration: Is this ANT an exaggeration? Am I over-reacting?

*Am I over-generalizing?

*Alternatives: What are some other possible explanations? How would a scientist or impartial observer explain this?

*Flexibility: Can I evaluate this situation in less rigid terms? Am I thinking in overly rigid, black- or-white, all-or-none terms?

*Helps or harms: Is this belief enhancing or diminishing?

*Comparison: How have others fared in similar situations?

*Changing Places: How would I evaluate other people who acted as I did?

And remember, taking action is the catalyst for change!

Are You In Love With Your Assumptions?

Convictions, principles, ethical decisions and moral boundaries are
essential to living a life based upon integrity and honesty.
However, it is also important to consider that growth in all areas of
our lives is often based upon being open-minded, willing to consider
new ideas, introspection, and examining biases and cherished
assumptions.

Give yourself permission to re-evaluate some ideas,
beliefs, suppositions, etc. which might be hampering your openness to
different ways of looking at the world?

•Make a list of 10 (or more) things of which you are absolutely
certain. Now ask yourself if there is any way you could have been
mistaken about your conclusions? Have you continued to get the
necessary information/confirmation to validate these cherished
assumptions?

•What are your "sticking points"- those areas that get your dander
up, bog you down and make you resistant to re-thinking and acquiring
in new information?

•If you are so much in love with your assumptions, has it made you
seem rigid and unapproachable to others?

•Have you gotten stuck in focusing on results, not being present (and
able to appreciate) the "process" and the spontaneity that unfolds?

•Are you missing the forest for the trees? – focusing on minutiae
instead of the bigger picture?

•The importance of knowing when to walk away- this is as true for
treasured beliefs as it is situations and relationships that are
detrimental to well-being and self knowledge.

And remember, taking action is the catalyst for change!