Mompreneurs, Et Al

So much has been written about work/life balance, yet, who exactly has been able to achieve it? “Mompreneur”, a term coined about ten years ago, described women with young children who were leaving the work force to be home with their kids, and who ultimately designed a successful blueprint for combining family life with the world of work.

Lest the “Mompreneur” explosion (nearly two thirds of home-based businesses are owned by women with children), be viewed as a passing fad, a 2007 report stated that a variety of groups will change the face of entrepreneurship over the coming decade. Often, by focusing on a niche market with which they are familiar, these individuals will come from the ranks of high-schoolers (Teenpreneurs), new immigrants (Newpreneurs), middle-lifers seeking change (Midpreneurs), retirees (Seniorpreneurs)-make up a name which describes who you are, what you want to pursue, or what you plan on offering:

· Entrepreneurship is more prevalent and lifestyle–friendly- technology, particularly the use of cell phones and the internet, has changed the face of doing business (often doing so at any given hour of the day or night).

· Recipe for success: choose a business idea that inspires you and can incorporate all your values, research the need for the products or services you’ll be offering, affiliate with a network of like-minded colleagues, a willingness to probably work long hours, and make it a family business where everyone pitches in.

· Be realistic-list the perks of a home-based business: making your own hours, more time with kids, partner, family, etc., no commuting or rent vs. the drawbacks: lack of daily camaraderie with co-workers, need to be a self-starter and be disciplined (it’s easier to procrastinate), no formal office.

· A 2006 interactive survey found that 60% of fathers interviewed (only 3% less than the mothers), voiced a desire to be at home with their families. There is also a significant rise in the number of fathers who have primary custody of their children, all signaling a need for Dad(or Parent)preneurs.

· Incorporate all you learn from trial and error-endless planning, feedback and research goes into setting up any kind of business, but flexibility is still the byword. The best laid plans often get tweaked or substituted for even better and more ingenious ones.

· It’s stressful and often inefficient to constantly be a one-woman (or man) band -outsource whenever possible (try bartering goods or services), use a virtual office program, network in person or on the internet (look into “meet up groups” which fit your needs), establish a Mastermind group, etc.

· Establish your own dream team- build a substantial and sustaining support system, with a myriad of resources-from your personal boosters (spouses, children, family and friends), to reliable babysitters, financial experts, webmasters, etc.

· Consider the possibility of working part-time at home and also having a separate “real” office -this can be done by sub-leasing office space, bartering services for the occasional use of an office, share space to reduce costs.

· Start small (but think big), and grow as orders or clients really multiply.

And remember, taking action is the catalyst for change!

Vexing Verbs

A client, enumerating the myriad reasons for her divorce, stated that her husband “didn’t do verbs”. She explained that any action was generally too much to expect of him, or once begun, things were generally not completed.

Think back to your earliest grammar lessons, when taught that nouns were naming words and verbs were action words. Other parts of speech which modify verbs are also indicators of how language conveys and determines active vs. passive responses in all types of decisions and interactions:

•What ar e the verbs that regularly pepper your vocabulary? Are they descriptive of how you see yourself and the image you project to the world?

• Do your words and expressions spur you on to satisfying and successful deeds and accomplishments?

• Take inventory of the verbs or phrases you use which are ineffective. What powerful language will you then employ? (Hint: Instead of, “I’ll try”, substitute, “I will”; in place of “This/he/she/it makes me”, insert, “I choose to”, etc.).

• Be specific and concrete-rather than stating that, “I want to get a new job”, clearly state what type of job you want, within what time frame, what salary range, etc., so that you are conveying a tangible message to yourself.

• Is the language you use conversant with the non-verbal cues you give- body language, tone of voice, facial expressions, etc?

• Incorporate verbs which transmit positive physical movement- those that translate into actual and explicit measures to be taken and accomplished.

And remember, taking action is the catalyst for change!

Arise and Sing

Years ago, I attended a baby shower for my friend Patricia, a very talented soprano. Most of the attendees were either professional opera singers or voice coaches. When asked by another guest if I, too, was a singer, my immediate response was, “Are you kidding? In this group, I wouldn’t even try to hum!”

The thing is, I always loved singing, but never felt my voice good enough for public consumption. Fast forward two decades: I decided to dedicate a song (as a surprise), to my husband for a big birthday bash. The person who gave me the courage to perform was my friend (and musical mentor), Danny Dworsky, a professional musician of incredible talent (and patience). Learning how to breathe properly, phrase the lyrics and get around the high notes made the experience exhilarating and the actual performance a most memorable occasion.

Devotees of singing believe that vocal expression, besides being thoroughly enjoyable, is also therapeutic. Some even compare the impact yoga has had during this decade with the importance which will be given to singing lessons, classes, and groups within the next one. If you’re a frustrated singer, think you’ll now be game?

• Research has found that singing boosts the immune system by increasing levels of cortisol and immunoglobin A (listening to music, although pleasurable, does not have the same effect).

• Don’t discount your solos in the shower or when alone in the car –breaking into song promotes well-being, better health, and reduces pain by releasing endorphins.

• Singing has been associated with lower heart rate, increased lung capacity, higher energy, improved posture, relaxation and enhanced mood- so what if you’re sometimes off key?

• Group singing promotes rapid rapport, whether a duet, choir or songfests, releasing oxytocin (that “feel good”) hormone and promoting emotional bonding.

• Associations with songs harkens memories of great and significant times-revel in them.

• Singing, as opposed to speaking, often conveys emotional messages by the choice of song and its lyrics, vocal power, phrasing, crescendo, etc.

• For an extra bonus, try adding your favorite dance routine to your virtuoso voice performance (who hasn’t seen a Broadway show and imagined being up on that stage?).

And remember, taking action is the catalyst for change!

The "Schmata Syndrome"

"Schmata" is another priceless Yiddishism, literally a rag, but often connoting something worthless or of inferior quality: "The dress your ex's husband's new wife is wearing" is an old joke which conveys its ultimate definition.

However, a person who is considered a schmata is the one who always gets taken advantage of, dumped on, ripped off, often referred to as a "doormat". Ever feel like someone's wiping their feet off on you?

• Time to examine yourself and your relationships carefully by understanding your own motivations-wanting to be liked and respected, afraid of losing friends, uncertain of your true opinions, etc.

• Being defined as a wimp or wimpette-always being the "nice guy or girl", while afraid of hurting others' feelings, hating to see others sad (they WILL get over it!), or fearful of expressing your own needs and desires.

• Allowing others to treat you like a child, choosing what's "best" for you- of course, this really means what's best for them!

• The perennial doormat-concern about others to the extreme- is left vulnerable to anger, stress, and fatigue, which can take a serious toll on the immune system.

• Walking around with a sign that says, "Kick me!"- you may be a natural peace maker and giver, but it's time to be discerning and weigh the merits of EACH request- no need to constantly acquiesce and feel over-burdened and ultimately resentful.

• Not wanting to be labeled selfish, stubborn, or uncooperative- is it possible this SELF-labeling is over-exaggerated in order not to change behavior?

• "People pleasers" who cave in to the disappointment expressed by others when their requests have been turned down- validate their feelings without changing your answer (e.g. "I understand your disappointment, but I still can't do this" – even when they keep coming up with different ways to get you to capitulate.).

• Is your partner (or other important people in your life), calling all the shots-when was the last time you had input for important decisions?

• Always needing to be cheerful and upbeat regardless of negative feelings and things happening in your life which are considerably less than perfect- this pattern often leads to loss of self respect, guilt, passivity and wobbly boundaries.

• Seen by others as innocuously inoffensive or weak because the "real you" is being hidden behind this façade.

• You've advanced to the point where you can actually say no to a request, but, as the conversation proceeds, find you have agreed to do something you really don't want to do- time to master the polite right of refusal- ex. "Let me think about this", "I can recommend someone who…" etc.

And remember, taking action is the catalyst for change!

The Perils of Pettiness

Last week, upon answering a knock on the door, I recognized our neighbor, with his walker in tow, asking to have a word with us. He wasn't collecting for a charity (as I initially thought), but needed the approval of a majority of homeowners to get a larger parking space. After hip replacement surgery, additional swivel room was necessary to get out of his car with the walker. One resident, claiming that the handicapped individual (who happened to be on the building's board), was thus getting an unfair advantage, blocked approval. Hence, a majority of owners now needed to sign the petition.

I was struck by the pettiness (and mean spiritedness) of the protester - as if this gentleman had his hip replaced in order to get a better parking spot! However, my dismay inevitably led me to the idea for this week's Tip:

• Choose the reputation and legacy by which you want to be known – one of generosity of spirit or of spite and small-mindedness.

• Don't sweat the small stuff- we all have to deal with piddling annoyances as a fact of life. Keep things in perspective without dwelling upon insignificant (and mistaken?) rebuffs and rebukes.

• Ask this question to determine whether to act upon your annoyance or anger: Will it be important in a week, a month, or a year? If not, let it go!

• Choosing to live in conflict –is the rush of "battle" fueling a need to argue (and win) in an inordinate number of interchanges? Why, and at what price glory?

• Stop rationalizing- is their a belief that others, due to their inadequacies somehow "deserve" to be berated, made to feel insignificant or be scolded and reprimanded for minor infractions?

• Cultivating pettiness cements the need to be hyper-vigilant- constantly on guard against the smallest slight or offense, whether intentional or not.

• What are the underlying and motivating factors? –fear (what exactly are you afraid of?) and low self esteem-there's no time like the present to examine the cost of trivial and narrow minded thinking (trusted friends and professional feedback may be particularly helpful).

• "Do unto others…"- the Golden Rule needs no explanation.

And remember, taking action is the catalyst for change!

Feel free to leave comments

The Boundary Hunters

In a former life as a social worker, responsible for child victims of abuse and neglect, I was keenly aware of the high number of colleagues applying for stress leaves. I assured my supervisor that the pressure of the job would not cause me to take a respite from work, but that I did like to take vacations! Besides using my accrued time for needed breaks, I realized the importance of setting unambiguous emotional boundaries as a way to maintain my equilibrium.

As boundaries define a sense of self and how you expect others to treat you, intrusions by "boundary hunters", whether deliberate or not, leave us feeling uncomfortable and even violated. This is especially difficult when it involves close family, friends or colleagues, as the parameters that define appropriate behavior have been breached. If so, it may be time to re-think and re-set the limits of your psychological dividing lines:

•"Good fences make good neighbors"- just as true with personal connections, as intact boundaries are essential to all types of healthy interactions.

•Know thyself- are you clear about where you end and the other person begins? It's often the spaces in the middle that may be somewhat blurry, particularly if you feel taken advantage of or smothered.

•Erecting emotional walls is not the same as constructing healthy psychological boundaries- clearly defined emotional and behavioral perimeters let you decide who and what will/won't enter your life (but if too inflexible and harsh, others may feel like they're dealing with the Gestapo).

•Beware of spilling your guts- a healthy sign you have clearly defined limits in interpersonal relations is that you can be open with others, yet know when to keep personal things private.

•"Border crossings"- the danger of mixing business and pleasure-being overly friendly in emails, phone conversations and meetings, or believing that your boss is really your friend, can be easily misconstrued and backfire with serious ramifications.

•Practice saying NO (it helps to do this in the mirror), until it becomes a natural response, without any twinges of guilt, so that your "boundary lines" (both physical and emotional) are crystal clear.

•What are your goals and what do you want to accomplish?- ask yourself, " when, where, what, why and how" questions to help clarify what you expect, want and need from the relationship, as well as to establish open lines of communication.

And remember, taking action is the catalyst for change!


Feel free to leave comments.

Curiosity Can't Kill This Cat

As a three year old, my husband's ever-present curiosity led him to take apart the family's washing machine. You've probably guessed that a slight problem arose when he was unable to put the appliance back together (hardly surprising for a tot!). Happily, he was not punished for his inquisitiveness, as his parents were rather proud and intrigued by his ingenuity. Perhaps his decision to become a scientist and university professor was first nurtured and rewarded in this bold (and half successful!) experiment.

Curiosity has been the motivating force behind most inventions, discoveries, and adventures throughout history. As children, the search to discover how all aspects of the world works is fueled by a sense of awe and inherent attention to what is novel and enthralling. In adult life, that wonder sometimes gets tarnished, particularly as the status quo becomes more comfortable and change more daunting.

If your curiosity needs re-charging, begin with these pointers:

•Establish a culture that rewards inquisitiveness, creativity, novelty and inventiveness whether at home or in the workplace.

•The fascination factor helps to bolster active minds which are stimulated by an insatiable quest for knowledge and information.

•Research has indicated that curiosity can be a reliable predictor in the ability to develop intimacy and successful relationships – being open to experiences, novelty, and always asking questions, produces new and changing perspectives and a broader world view.

•Read, Read, Read- diversify, discover and delve and discover new and interesting fields of knowledge and information.

•Think of some things you might like to unlearn, those that you feel have stifled your thinking, belief systems, relationships - how might you go about re-educating while stimulating your curiosity?

•Too steeped in habitual and familiar life patterns, thoughts, and choices? Start being more cognizant of new ideas, investigating different viewpoints and interests to upend outmoded thinking.

•Teach curiosity by being curious- establish a culture within the family or work environment that prizes wonderment and is captivated by a sense of discovery, exploration and a passion for learning.

•Interest and probing into other cultures, groups and communities serves to open doors for greater understanding, communication, and appreciation between individuals and populations.

•It's NOT cool to be bored–constantly ask questions, don't take things for granted and immerse yourself in exciting and interesting ideas and endeavors. (Dorothy Parker said it best, "The cure for boredom is curiosity. There is no cure for curiosity.").

And remember, taking action is the catalyst for change!