Marvelous Mental Health Days

When my children were small and would complain of a head or stomach ache (invariably on a school day), I'd let them know that their (supposed) ailments weren't necessary to prove, as they could ask to take a "mental health day".

A 2008 survey conducted by ComPsych found that 82% of employees polled confirmed that they took mental health days due to family/relationship issues, stress, personal issues and lack of motivation.

Whether for students or those in the working world, is it time you could benefit from this liberating practice?

• A beginning trend, but not yet widely instituted- more employers are starting to pool sick, personal and vacation days so that workers can take the day off for any reason they deem necessary.

• Start a precedent and plan a mental health day in advance, scheduling it the day before or after the week-end to maximize its benefits.

• It's the hard workers (so give yourself permission for this reward) who truly need to be restored and energized, as idlers will inevitably find excuses not to be working.

• If self-employed or a solo practitioner, think about creating your own fringe benefits-get away from the phone and technological task-masters-you ultimately work better when your personal spark plugs get re-charged.

• Whether spur-of-the-moment or just several hours in duration, make the most of it. (Time for "true confessions"-several years ago, while working as a social worker (high stress, high caseloads), two friends and I suddenly decided to take a breather and meet at the movies. We reveled in "The English Patient", and ended the day feeling deliciously conspiratorial, giggly and NOT guilty-a needed break that was just what the doctor ordered!)

• It sometimes takes practice to elevate this self-nurturing time to an art form-no errands, medical appointments, house cleaning, etc.-pamper yourself and/or spend time with those you love.

• Might the idea of the mental health day stimulate your thinking about the possibility of taking a sabbatical –changing locales, lifestyle, pursuing a dream –who knows?

And remember, taking action is the catalyst for change!

Mired in Misperceptions

Doth you project too much? Assigning the same beliefs, ideas or values to others without validating the veracity of those (projected) convictions, can lead to misunderstandings, misinterpretations, incorrect comprehension and cognitive goofs. Holding onto beliefs solely because they are familiar and comforting, (yet often untested and unchallenged), can lead to self-fulfilling prophesies rather than creative and original thinking:

• When looking back upon errors in judgment, how often were they based upon a lack of knowledge, experience, exposure or open-mindedness?

• Where are these opinions etched in stone? Just because "everyone says", or something is written, it still behooves the reader/participant to examine additional sources, suggestions and ideas.

• Beware of misconceptions created and perpetuated by films, television, the internet, etc. -confusing real life with the (mis)information or the ideal projected in the media often leads to unreal expectations and disappointments.

• Gender differences often lead to miscues and misconceptions about messages (supposedly) given and/or desired by the opposite sex-ask for clarification whenever possible, or get reliable feedback from a trusted friend of the opposite sex.

• Believing that the past is prologue to the future- if someone or something strongly influenced your life in the past, they will ALWAYS determine your feelings and behavior.

• Are irrational beliefs distorting thinking and behavior patterns- ex. seeing yourself as a victim (Why do bad things ALWAYS happen to me?), anything less than perfection is NOT okay, viewing most problems as catastrophes or being "devastated" by disappointments.

• Try putting different attitudes and beliefs in historical perspective- it wasn't all that long ago that there was an uproar about "giving" women the right to vote, or consider the "truisms" promulgated about race in the U.S. prior to the civil rights movement.

• Memory is often kind- it's easy to remember the times we're right, but when wrong, readily forgotten. Try keeping a log of your attitudes and values, checking regularly to see if those notions still hold weight for you.

And remember, taking action is the catalyst for change!

Over Optioned

Living in our highly touted technological and information age allows us to have an endless amount of choices, ranging from brands of cereal to careers, computers, companions, etc. Current research has shown that the paradox created by these limitless choices is that they often lead to indecision, mental exhaustion, less productivity as well as extreme anxiety about making the wrong choice.

Rather than being oppressed by this overabundance of options, there are basic steps that can be taken to alleviate feeling as if you're drowning in a sea of choices:

• Narrow your choices by investigating the 2 or 3 best ones and make an informed decision from this group without recriminations.

• Set a REASONABLE time frame in which you will commit to the decision.

• Resolve to NOT drive yourself crazy- be satisfied with a superb or good choice as opposed to the absolutely perfect one.

• Use trusted sources whenever possible, saving yourself time and energy-a friend who always gets the best "deal", experts whose opinions you believe, etc.

• Stop ruminating on the "road not taken" or the "one that got away", which merely gives permission not to make a commitment-take credit for the decision made.

• Selecting clothes, food, gifts, cars, etc. need not be a reflection about who and what you are- determine to make these choices (which will narrow the field), based upon your own taste, budget, values, time and energy.

• Prince or Princess Charming is NOT riding in on a white horse! – due to being bombarded by a plethora of relationship possibilities, have your expectations been unrealistically high, making sound choices unlikely? Time to seek out sources (professionals, friends with sound judgment), to give you honest, pragmatic and level-headed feedback.

And remember, taking action is the catalyst for change!

If You Don't Ask, You'll NEVER Get

Being direct, assertive, and taking the plunge by asking for the things you want needn't be a harrowing task. Over analyzing the odds for success before you let your wishes to be known can cause inaction and paralysis, wasting valuable time and energy on problems that may never arise. This doesn't mean that your every request will be met with a positive outcome, but these suggestions will energize and reward your quest for gettin' the goods (and goodies!):

• Vague notions- the first step is knowing EXACTLY what you want.

• Unambiguous communication-by clearly spelling out your needs, you'll get what you want rather than what others want you to have.

• Fear of rejection- not only is it unimportant what "everyone" else will think (is someone taking out an ad in The New York Times, belittling what you asked for?), but others will rarely view your request as unreasonable.

• Do you view asking as impolite-something that "nice girls don't do"-so who's to blame if you don't get the raise you deserve, don't date the person you're really interested in, etc?

• Ask questions, particularly about those things which will give you the needed information to achieve your goals-you won't be seen as being dumb or pushy, and others will appreciate your interest and curiosity.

• Be audacious-ask for something that is considerably more than you thought possible. Who knows, the request may actually be granted, or you may find it easier to then "settle" for the thing(s) you really desired.

• Exude confidence-convey a positive attitude which assumes that you'll get what you want- humor and charm go a long way and are always great assets to employ.

• For one week, rather than saying what it is that you don't like, want, or have, make a concerted effort (keep a list), to substitute the things that you do want, being specific, asking in a positive manner, and taking responsibility for the requests.

And remember, taking action is the catalyst for change!

My Mother's Maxims

In recognition of Mother's Day (in the U.S.) on Sunday, May 11th, and my annual celebration of women's wisdom, I thought it most appropriate to once again commemorate it with this week's Tip.

Of all the things we're told by our mothers, there always seem to be particular axioms that are so imbued with eternal wisdom that they must be passed on.
Think of some of the invaluable sayings, mantras, truisms, etc. told to you by your parents, which have had a positive effect upon your life.


Here are 2 of my mother's:

1."Whenever someone gives you a compliment, just say, "Thank you."
In other words, it's totally unnecessary to deflect the compliment, which:

•Discounts the opinion of the "complimentor"
.
•Doesn't allow you to take advantage of basking in the glow of praise and the wonderful feeling it brings. (It IS deserved because this is the assessment of the beholder!)

•Often stops you from readily complimenting others, as you've negated the positive feelings that being recognized engender.

2."Never point out your faults to someone else, as they're most noticeable ONLY to you!"

•It often sounds disingenuous to be too forthcoming in talking about your faults.

•It is off-putting and often makes others want to run for cover if you "spill your guts" too readily.

•It may give you pause to reassess what you have judged to be a fault.

Here are several contributions from readers who were kind enough to share their mothers' maxims.

Ofra K- My mom always says: "Each person has his/her own pleasures."
Meaning things are always a matter of personal taste and opinion and one should not be too harsh and hurried to make judgments.

Anat G.- "My mom used to tell me: "If you didn't use your brain, you'll have to use your legs" (freely translated from French...), meaning that if you
don't think or get organized, then you now have to run or walk more.
This has been so true! The good thing about it: there is another chance,
but it might take longer and more energy!
I sometime use it differently also, instead of using "electronic' ways
of communicating, I take my legs and go to the person I want to talk
to."

Shirley Z- originally conveyed to her by her late mother in Yiddish:
"As someone wishes you a good morning, you wish them a good day".
In other words, as someone behaves toward you, you reciprocate in kind.

O.K, so now that I've shown you mine, feel free to (share) show (email) me yours. Another possibility is to write down and then re-read those adages that are most important and meaningful for you and re-read them throughout the year.

And remember, taking action is the catalyst for change!

Restructuring Rejection

Restructuring Rejection

We all know that it’s impossible to be loved by everyone, but it still hurts and rankles when we feel criticized, denied, dismissed and ultimately rejected. Instead of feeling worthless, dejected, or that your self-confidence and self-esteem have been sapped, time to restructure rejection and view it from more constructive perspectives:

·Eliminate the idea of being “devastated”-this is an overused word that adds and compounds bruised feelings and should only be used for real tragedies.

·A “No” or denial is not a reflection of your self-worth –time to stop taking things personally and blowing refusals out of proportion.

·There are low points in everyone’s life-look back and evaluate how you coped with rejection in the past. What past experiences, seemingly negative at the time, are now seen as having been beneficial? Keep a list as a reminder.

·Unrealistic expectations-setting the bar too high (and thereby feeling knocked down), before there is mastery of all the steps needed to accomplish the goal(s).

·Underlying or irrational fears- often subconsciously “setting yourself up” to be rebuffed or refused, ensuring that you don’t have to change or alter your patterns of behavior, the way you treat others, or the way in which you view the world.

·Opportunity for reflection- what was learned from the experience and how are you utilizing the advice and opinions received to ameliorate the possibility of repetition?

·Silence the negative and self-censoring dialogue going on in your head- rejection is an inevitable fact of life-time to try using it as a motivator to do a bit of risk- taking and spur you on to do things differently.

·Some situations call for anticipating the possibility of being rebuffed or denied- requesting a promotion, asking someone on a date, etc. – be armed with the necessary information, answers and responses that are likely to be part of the discussion.

·Redefine, rename, and reframe rejection as “feedback” to determine how to benefit from this input.

·Be proactive-seek out a mentor, support group, coach, therapist, or trusted friend to get accurate information about the circumstances which have been daunting for you.

·If you don’t ask, you won’t get- take a deep breath, focus on one task at a time, and be assertive-what, REALISTICALLY, is the worst thing that could happen?

And remember, taking action is the catalyst for change!

“Adultolescence”

While 60 is touted to be the new 40, likewise, the claim is often heard that, “30 is the new 20”. It might be hard to believe, but the term, “adolescence”, was actually penned at the beginning of the 20th century. As Western societies transitioned from agricultural to industrial bases, teens were no longer needed to work farms and universal education was becoming accepted and enforced. Until a generation or so ago, it was expected that most children would leave their parental homes once they completed their education (either high school or college) and began to work, or got married, or entered the military. In our post-industrial society, these scenarios are often no longer the norm.

More recently, the designation of “adultolescence” has been applied to those (ages 18-34), who have just finished high school, are recent college grads or are working but not quite able to make ends meet on their own, and decide to return to their parents’ homes. This transitional period can be fraught with a clash of different expectations, values and beliefs between parents and grown children.

Here are some of the issues, ideas and helpful hints to aid teens, adults and “adultolescents” navigate the often tricky shoals encountered during this life stage:

· Teen timetables have changed-due to earlier onset of puberty, the increased power of peer groups (T.V., cell phones, the internet, instant messaging, etc.), and longer periods spent being educated (through college and graduate studies), have made adolescence a psychologically and socially amorphous phase.

· Education and training are constantly needed as jobs are less permanent- it is often expected (borne out by employment statistics), that an individual may have several jobs, careers, and professions during his/her lifetime.

· Young women today have a plethora of choices regarding their decisions about education, marriage, children and careers.

· The longevity revolution has fostered the atmosphere for greater acceptance which allows young people to experiment with different living arrangements, travel, and experiencing a variety of job and educational options.

· Re-paying higher education loans, credit card debt and the high cost of housing has made it quite difficult for those emerging adults to assume a middle-class lifestyle without familial assistance.

· Families caught in the emotional and financial throes of the “Sandwich Generation”, being responsible for aging parents and their adultolescents- planning for this eventuality before it is inevitable (seeking professional advice, support groups, researching available programs, etc.) can help to make this phase less stressful and more rewarding).

· Look for and encourage within the community, societal institutions and employers- community colleges offering less expensive courses, career training and flexible hours, reasonably priced and high quality (on-site) childcare, parity for part-time workers regarding wages, benefits and training, affordable health care for all, no penalties for family and medical leaves.
And remember, taking action is the catalyst for change!