Errands "Lite"

If endless errands seem to be the bane of your existence, it’s time to figure out new and creative approaches to getting them done. Rather than the daily plaint of, "If I only had more time"(no extension of the twenty-four hour day is yet available), be mindful about those duties you readily accomplish and those that are somehow always “on hold”.

Try enacting time and step-saving systems, changing not only the frequency and the way you tackle these necessary duties, but also your attitude toward “errand encroachment”:

• Stockpiling and storing the essentials- depending upon your storage space, have enough basics to last you for at least one month. Investing in an extra cabinet or shelving can truly be worth its weight in gold.

• "Errand Command Center"- establish a central place for lists, things to return, dry cleaning, etc. where it’s easily seen (and remembered) before leaving home.

• Redesign your “errandmobile”- keep a box or basket next to you in the car for reminder notes, letters to mail, pick-ups to be made, etc.

• Geographical juxtapositioning- group together activities in the same general vicinity. A bit of forethought will allow you to knock off those things on your “To Do” list without back-tracking.

• What are friends for?- alternate tasks (making sure it’s always a two-way street), with neighbors, family, or friends, particularly when you live in the same neighborhood. Carpooling or picking up a few items for one another while shopping, saves a great deal of time, money (especially when it keeps you out of the stores), and effort.

• Exercise and errand combo- decide which missions can be accomplished by walking, jogging, or bike riding to them. When driving is essential, park in a central location and “kill two birds with one stone”, completing your task while taking advantage of walking.

• Technological timesavers- use your phone, computer, or any other tech devices whenever possible. Have bills automatically deducted from your checking account, order various products and services online, which also help to lessen your carbon footprint (less driving, manufacturers needing to print fewer catalogs, etc.)

• Simple solutions- rethink things like meal plans so that you don’t have to make extra grocery runs; assigning easily managed jobs to other family members can go a long way in eliminating extra work and errands.

• Time vs. money-figure out the cost/benefit advantages of what you may actually be paying to drive a fair distance to get a bargain; weigh both the financial vs. time savings in making online purchases or using delivery services.

And remember, taking action is the catalyst for change!

Your Prerogative To Be Offended

Crunch, crunch, crunch! Is that the sound of eggshells being broken by those who dare to tread on forbidden topics while in your presence? Or, are you so busy avoiding potential landmines when conversing with a (hyper) sensitive friend or relation that you’re left feeling drained and uncomfortable, always having to second guess what will cause offence?

If this were a job application stating that, "Only the thin-skinned need apply", who would be the likely candidate?

• Expecting others to be mind readers - all of us have rules and regs (consciously or not), which determine what will or will not offend us -it's each person's responsibility to be clear about what's expected.

• Generational legacy (particularly in family feuds) - children quickly learn that the only way to resolve differences is to cut off all communication with the (supposed) evil-doer.

• Miscommunication - consider the context in which things are said or done. What are the odds you may have misunderstood or misinterpreted what transpired?

• Benefits of reflection over brooding – it’s not a criminal offense to take time to respond to some remark which MIGHT have been insensitive; rather than endlessly mulling it over, get feedback from a trusted individual who has a different perspective on the situation.

• "The teapot calling the kettle black"? - intolerant of others' traits which you may have: rarely think you're wrong, bored when having to listen to others, easily irritated and untrusting, can't abide anything less than perfection (the list continues, ad nauseum).

• The ultimate insult is not having others take your advice – whatever happened to freedom of choice?

• Learn to jokingly parry or simply ignore - when the expected rise is not gotten, the person quickly learns you are not an easy mark and goes onto the next victim.

•Lighten up and give the benefit of the doubt-chalk it up to someone having a bad day, being in a bad place, etc. and relish the ridiculousness of the situation (in other words, laugh at it!).

• Whether the offender or the offendee, could this be an instance of hypocrisy under the guise of political correctness?


And remember, taking action is the catalyst for change!

Not So Friendly Enemies

The term, "committed relationship", typically conjures up the idea of meaningful connection to a life-long partner. What happens when a vow (conscious or otherwise), has been made to be wedded to an enemy? An inordinate amount of emotional, psychological and physical energy is often devoted to that negative relationship, leaving little time for positive and healthy ones.

Vengeance may be yours, but consider the price paid in terms of increased stress (such as high blood pressure), anxiety, irritability and emotional stagnation:

• Unlike love, enmity isn't necessarily mutual- oftentimes, the perceived evil doer has no knowledge (or may not even care), about the (negative) devotion showered upon him/her; all the time spent planning and plotting their demise can only be for naught.

• Fixated on the past- is it possible the person, or the situation, has changed? Has the current reality been (re)examined?

• Being wary vs. labeling someone a dastardly foe- when feeling wounded or wronged, try limiting contact, be with others who will buffer or protect you when in the nemesis's presence, or, if necessary, take appropriate legal action.

• Consider a professional mediator (therapist, counselor, etc.) – a disinterested third party may prove to be an effective way toward resolving disputes and can mediate clashes as frequently as necessary.

• Forgive and forget- this does not mean condoning behavior that was in any way injurious to you, but to stop dwelling on the hurt in order to free yourself from the twin demons of anger and hatred.

• Living in a black or white world - no longer have to question what did, or might have happened, or any extenuating circumstances other than the long held (and cherished), memory or interpretation of the slight, damage, or injury inflicted by the antagonist.

• Doth you project too much? Are the traits and behaviors perceived in an opponent the same ones that are part of your own repertoire?

• Spillover effect - deeming friends or family members disloyal if they have any contact with the arch enemy only succeeds in causing rancor, tension and acrimonious feelings for all parties.

• "Equal opportunity haters" - have a plethora of adversaries and rarely see what role they may have played in this arena of enmity, leaving no room for insight, responsibility, or remorse.

• Living well IS the best revenge – what can be more productive and satisfying than focusing on all that brings positive things in your life?

And remember, taking action is the catalyst for change!

Cutting Commitments

Once you start enumerating all your various commitments and what they entail –family (dinners, driving etc.), friends, work, organizations, etc, you soon realize that you've run out of fingers.

Stop, take a deep breath, and think what will ACTUALLY happen if that obligation isn't addressed today? Will it really matter in a month or a year from now? If the answer is "yes", you know it’s essential, but if you respond in the negative…

• Eliminate, or (at least), scale back on one of the commitments: ex. rather than cooking every evening, split the chef duties for dinners between you and your partner (or family).

• Set boundaries-decide what's really important, which thing in each category brings the least amount of satisfaction and prioritize those obligations.

• Initially, others may be disappointed that you're not going to be doing this task, or assume that responsibility, but they WILL get used to it AND get over it.

• Sentimental attachments to stuff - too much of everything ceases to be a good thing. Remove the clutter so that you don't feel as though you have to do more than what, in actuality, has to be done.

• Re-evaluate-if you're spread too thin and constantly harried, are you even able to do your best job? Time to be choosy.

• Freedom from guilt - as your time frees up and your resentment at having to do that job is eliminated, guilt will dissipate. Enjoy it!

• Under-promise–before saying "yes", think about the ramifications of your response. Renegotiate or politely decline requests, suggest alternatives, or re-schedule at more convenient times.

• Delay deadlines-give yourself more breathing space whenever possible, considering if your "due by date" is self-imposed; eliminate things of lesser importance if a deadline is immovable.

• Increase personal power and integrity - when commitments are manageable and realistic your word is indeed your bond.

• It's the vision thing- why allow automatic daily choices, tasks and responsibilities to completely dwarf the grand plan you've constructed for your life? Reverse auto-pilot and commit to what is going to bring that plan to fruition.

And remember, taking action is the catalyst for change!

Pining for a Perfect Past

Romanticizing others' lives, wishing they were your own, caught up in a Hollywood version of the perfect childhood in the bosom of the perfect family, can get to be a favorite, albeit, unproductive pastime.

Over-glorification and idealization of past experiences and relationships makes it difficult to invest in new ones. What's the pay-off for not having to change (holding on to anger, revenge, reveling in, "Poor me!") and remaining stuck?

Before ambling down "memory lane" again, think about what awaits you at the present moment:

• Jot down how frequently you talk about the past-make a concerted effort to substitute information about present and future activities and plans; elicit help from trusted friends to keep you grounded in the "here and now".

• Spring cleaning (at any time of the year) - rid (or remove from sight), old photos, journals, and other mementos which evoke unpleasant memories-why torture yourself with those ever-present reminders?

• Limit contact and redirect ruminative thoughts on positive ideas, plans and experiences– it's easier and healthier to recuperate from past relationships and experiences when not constantly spending with time those that keep you rooted in the past or expending energy obsessing about them.

• Lighten up and put things in your life in perspective-no humor helps to keep you in the same place. Relish the ridiculous and try an "attitude of gratitude".

• Forgive and forget- this does not mean condoning behavior that was in any way injurious to you, but stop dwelling on it in order to free (and forgive) yourself from anger and hatred.

• Look at your life script - what has been your assigned role since childhood? As an adult you no longer have to play the same part!

• The "blame game"- everyone has to deal with unpleasant circumstances, costly mistakes or situations that may have been beyond their control. The choice now is whether to remain a victim or focus on the present and plan for a brighter future.

• Embrace the bittersweet – although reminiscing can sometimes be painful, it can also be cathartic, especially within the presence of trusted friends, family, or professionals. Savor the good memories, but allow yourself to move on.

And remember, taking action is the catalyst for change!

The Great Pretender

Who hasn't had experienced situations in which they've felt like a fake, not feeling proficient, knowledgeable, or competent enough in a job, skill or task? Often, high achieving individuals admit to being wracked by feelings of self-doubt, feeling like a fraud, unable to internalize successes-victims of the "imposter syndrome".

The term "imposter phenomenon" was coined in 1978, describing a trend noted in high achieving women. They suffered from a dire lack of confidence in their abilities regardless of concrete evidence to the contrary. Women have indeed "Come a long way, baby!" since the '70's, but feeling like a fraud has no gender boundaries and is alive and (unfortunately) well in 2009:

• Begin with an inventory of your strengths and weaknesses- have these vetted by a trusted friend and frequently refer back to this list.

• Faulty memory- focusing on times when you haven't done your best, rather than on the numerous successes.

• Denigrating accomplishments and discounting compliments-time to say a simple, "Thank you", WITHOUT qualifiers.

• Dissatisfied with what's been achieved and left feeling that, "I could/should have done better/more"-stop useless ruminating and give yourself the pat on the back you richly deserve!

• Afraid of exposure- others are sure to notice the lack of familiarity, smarts or ability-what's stopping you from pursuing more information, knowledge or education to become even more of an expert?

• Constant comparison to others and believing that you always fall short- you may indeed be exaggerating the success of others while down-playing your own competencies.

• Undeserving of achievements or positions- afraid of being exposed as a fake or having been lucky or in the right place at the right time; yet the truth is that luck, timing and location will take you just so far.

• Avoiding tests or evaluations for fear of not doing well (enough)-study, get tutored and feedback from others in the know to buoy your confidence and reality checking.

• Being a "phony" phony- self deprecation can be used to lower others' expectations and garner assistance even when the "phony" doesn't necessarily believe in his/her lack of competence.

• Distinguish between negative thoughts and feelings of self-doubt vs. the reality of all objective successes-don't hesitate to get reality checks from trusted family, friends, colleagues or professionals.

• Fake it until you make it-behaving "as if" you truly believe you're competent (no time to obsess about perfection), at those things you're uncertain about until you do internalize and fully accept accomplishments.


And remember, taking action is the catalyst for change!

Boosters, Backers and Benefactors

While there has been a seemingly unending list of superlatives to describe the Barak Obama phenomenon, capped by his history making inauguration as President of the United States, I have been particularly struck by his generosity of spirit. He eagerly listens to differing opinions and points of view, extends his hand to former rivals, and continually gives credit to all those who have helped, inspired and nurtured him on his path toward greatness.
As no man (or woman) is an island, consider those who have been your boosters, be they parents, friends, teachers or colleagues who have championed your talents, creativity, and capabilities at different stages of your life. How have they changed your life?

• Personal Cheerleading Squad-consists of those who have unwavering belief in you, be they family, friends, instructors or partners, who have freely given advice, encouragement, ideas and connections.

• Multiple mentors-maximize the knowledge and expertise of patrons who hail from different arenas and fields of interest - know who to go to for each question, idea, task, skill, or different viewpoint for "outside the box" thinking.

• Make a list of all those who have been your tireless aficionados, who backed you, opened doors, opportunities and contacts which have proved invaluable-have you adequately thanked them?

• Who are the prime enthusiasts you now regularly seek out when in need of a pep talk? What is it about these individuals and their advice that keeps you coming back for more?

• What specific counsel/encouragement/challenges made your benefactor's gifts memorable and helpful?

• Take advantage of quotes, books, CDs, affirmations, aphorisms, etc. from motivating, instructive and uplifting leaders, sages, teachers and philosophers for on-going guidance and inspiration.

• In times of transition, surround yourself with steadfast fans, those who optimistically give you a boost whenever they can, whenever they see you're in need.

• Is it time for you to nurture and invest in another's success? What will you offer a "mentee" as their benefactor/guardian/ally, showing them the ropes in their chosen profession, endeavors, or life paths?

And remember, taking action is the catalyst for change!