Over Optioned

Living in our highly touted technological and information age allows us to have an endless amount of choices, ranging from brands of cereal to careers, computers, companions, etc. Current research has shown that the paradox created by these limitless choices is that they often lead to indecision, mental exhaustion, less productivity as well as extreme anxiety about making the wrong choice.

Rather than being oppressed by this overabundance of options, there are basic steps that can be taken to alleviate feeling as if you're drowning in a sea of choices:

• Narrow your choices by investigating the 2 or 3 best ones and make an informed decision from this group without recriminations.

• Set a REASONABLE time frame in which you will commit to the decision.

• Resolve to NOT drive yourself crazy- be satisfied with a superb or good choice as opposed to the absolutely perfect one.

• Use trusted sources whenever possible, saving yourself time and energy-a friend who always gets the best "deal", experts whose opinions you believe, etc.

• Stop ruminating on the "road not taken" or the "one that got away", which merely gives permission not to make a commitment-take credit for the decision made.

• Selecting clothes, food, gifts, cars, etc. need not be a reflection about who and what you are- determine to make these choices (which will narrow the field), based upon your own taste, budget, values, time and energy.

• Prince or Princess Charming is NOT riding in on a white horse! – due to being bombarded by a plethora of relationship possibilities, have your expectations been unrealistically high, making sound choices unlikely? Time to seek out sources (professionals, friends with sound judgment), to give you honest, pragmatic and level-headed feedback.

And remember, taking action is the catalyst for change!

If You Don't Ask, You'll NEVER Get

Being direct, assertive, and taking the plunge by asking for the things you want needn't be a harrowing task. Over analyzing the odds for success before you let your wishes to be known can cause inaction and paralysis, wasting valuable time and energy on problems that may never arise. This doesn't mean that your every request will be met with a positive outcome, but these suggestions will energize and reward your quest for gettin' the goods (and goodies!):

• Vague notions- the first step is knowing EXACTLY what you want.

• Unambiguous communication-by clearly spelling out your needs, you'll get what you want rather than what others want you to have.

• Fear of rejection- not only is it unimportant what "everyone" else will think (is someone taking out an ad in The New York Times, belittling what you asked for?), but others will rarely view your request as unreasonable.

• Do you view asking as impolite-something that "nice girls don't do"-so who's to blame if you don't get the raise you deserve, don't date the person you're really interested in, etc?

• Ask questions, particularly about those things which will give you the needed information to achieve your goals-you won't be seen as being dumb or pushy, and others will appreciate your interest and curiosity.

• Be audacious-ask for something that is considerably more than you thought possible. Who knows, the request may actually be granted, or you may find it easier to then "settle" for the thing(s) you really desired.

• Exude confidence-convey a positive attitude which assumes that you'll get what you want- humor and charm go a long way and are always great assets to employ.

• For one week, rather than saying what it is that you don't like, want, or have, make a concerted effort (keep a list), to substitute the things that you do want, being specific, asking in a positive manner, and taking responsibility for the requests.

And remember, taking action is the catalyst for change!

My Mother's Maxims

In recognition of Mother's Day (in the U.S.) on Sunday, May 11th, and my annual celebration of women's wisdom, I thought it most appropriate to once again commemorate it with this week's Tip.

Of all the things we're told by our mothers, there always seem to be particular axioms that are so imbued with eternal wisdom that they must be passed on.
Think of some of the invaluable sayings, mantras, truisms, etc. told to you by your parents, which have had a positive effect upon your life.


Here are 2 of my mother's:

1."Whenever someone gives you a compliment, just say, "Thank you."
In other words, it's totally unnecessary to deflect the compliment, which:

•Discounts the opinion of the "complimentor"
.
•Doesn't allow you to take advantage of basking in the glow of praise and the wonderful feeling it brings. (It IS deserved because this is the assessment of the beholder!)

•Often stops you from readily complimenting others, as you've negated the positive feelings that being recognized engender.

2."Never point out your faults to someone else, as they're most noticeable ONLY to you!"

•It often sounds disingenuous to be too forthcoming in talking about your faults.

•It is off-putting and often makes others want to run for cover if you "spill your guts" too readily.

•It may give you pause to reassess what you have judged to be a fault.

Here are several contributions from readers who were kind enough to share their mothers' maxims.

Ofra K- My mom always says: "Each person has his/her own pleasures."
Meaning things are always a matter of personal taste and opinion and one should not be too harsh and hurried to make judgments.

Anat G.- "My mom used to tell me: "If you didn't use your brain, you'll have to use your legs" (freely translated from French...), meaning that if you
don't think or get organized, then you now have to run or walk more.
This has been so true! The good thing about it: there is another chance,
but it might take longer and more energy!
I sometime use it differently also, instead of using "electronic' ways
of communicating, I take my legs and go to the person I want to talk
to."

Shirley Z- originally conveyed to her by her late mother in Yiddish:
"As someone wishes you a good morning, you wish them a good day".
In other words, as someone behaves toward you, you reciprocate in kind.

O.K, so now that I've shown you mine, feel free to (share) show (email) me yours. Another possibility is to write down and then re-read those adages that are most important and meaningful for you and re-read them throughout the year.

And remember, taking action is the catalyst for change!

Restructuring Rejection

Restructuring Rejection

We all know that it’s impossible to be loved by everyone, but it still hurts and rankles when we feel criticized, denied, dismissed and ultimately rejected. Instead of feeling worthless, dejected, or that your self-confidence and self-esteem have been sapped, time to restructure rejection and view it from more constructive perspectives:

·Eliminate the idea of being “devastated”-this is an overused word that adds and compounds bruised feelings and should only be used for real tragedies.

·A “No” or denial is not a reflection of your self-worth –time to stop taking things personally and blowing refusals out of proportion.

·There are low points in everyone’s life-look back and evaluate how you coped with rejection in the past. What past experiences, seemingly negative at the time, are now seen as having been beneficial? Keep a list as a reminder.

·Unrealistic expectations-setting the bar too high (and thereby feeling knocked down), before there is mastery of all the steps needed to accomplish the goal(s).

·Underlying or irrational fears- often subconsciously “setting yourself up” to be rebuffed or refused, ensuring that you don’t have to change or alter your patterns of behavior, the way you treat others, or the way in which you view the world.

·Opportunity for reflection- what was learned from the experience and how are you utilizing the advice and opinions received to ameliorate the possibility of repetition?

·Silence the negative and self-censoring dialogue going on in your head- rejection is an inevitable fact of life-time to try using it as a motivator to do a bit of risk- taking and spur you on to do things differently.

·Some situations call for anticipating the possibility of being rebuffed or denied- requesting a promotion, asking someone on a date, etc. – be armed with the necessary information, answers and responses that are likely to be part of the discussion.

·Redefine, rename, and reframe rejection as “feedback” to determine how to benefit from this input.

·Be proactive-seek out a mentor, support group, coach, therapist, or trusted friend to get accurate information about the circumstances which have been daunting for you.

·If you don’t ask, you won’t get- take a deep breath, focus on one task at a time, and be assertive-what, REALISTICALLY, is the worst thing that could happen?

And remember, taking action is the catalyst for change!

“Adultolescence”

While 60 is touted to be the new 40, likewise, the claim is often heard that, “30 is the new 20”. It might be hard to believe, but the term, “adolescence”, was actually penned at the beginning of the 20th century. As Western societies transitioned from agricultural to industrial bases, teens were no longer needed to work farms and universal education was becoming accepted and enforced. Until a generation or so ago, it was expected that most children would leave their parental homes once they completed their education (either high school or college) and began to work, or got married, or entered the military. In our post-industrial society, these scenarios are often no longer the norm.

More recently, the designation of “adultolescence” has been applied to those (ages 18-34), who have just finished high school, are recent college grads or are working but not quite able to make ends meet on their own, and decide to return to their parents’ homes. This transitional period can be fraught with a clash of different expectations, values and beliefs between parents and grown children.

Here are some of the issues, ideas and helpful hints to aid teens, adults and “adultolescents” navigate the often tricky shoals encountered during this life stage:

· Teen timetables have changed-due to earlier onset of puberty, the increased power of peer groups (T.V., cell phones, the internet, instant messaging, etc.), and longer periods spent being educated (through college and graduate studies), have made adolescence a psychologically and socially amorphous phase.

· Education and training are constantly needed as jobs are less permanent- it is often expected (borne out by employment statistics), that an individual may have several jobs, careers, and professions during his/her lifetime.

· Young women today have a plethora of choices regarding their decisions about education, marriage, children and careers.

· The longevity revolution has fostered the atmosphere for greater acceptance which allows young people to experiment with different living arrangements, travel, and experiencing a variety of job and educational options.

· Re-paying higher education loans, credit card debt and the high cost of housing has made it quite difficult for those emerging adults to assume a middle-class lifestyle without familial assistance.

· Families caught in the emotional and financial throes of the “Sandwich Generation”, being responsible for aging parents and their adultolescents- planning for this eventuality before it is inevitable (seeking professional advice, support groups, researching available programs, etc.) can help to make this phase less stressful and more rewarding).

· Look for and encourage within the community, societal institutions and employers- community colleges offering less expensive courses, career training and flexible hours, reasonably priced and high quality (on-site) childcare, parity for part-time workers regarding wages, benefits and training, affordable health care for all, no penalties for family and medical leaves.
And remember, taking action is the catalyst for change!

Hello Middlessence, Good-bye Midlife Crisis

Whether the term used is “middle-essence”, “midlife”, “midcourse” or for those who prefer the French, “troiseme age” (third age), the longevity revolution has changed both the perception and actuality of when middle-age begins and ends. Few people in their 50s and 60s label themselves as “old”, favoring a description of being in their “prime” and feeling that their “best years” are actually yet to come.

The maxim of the 1960s may have been, “Never trust anyone over 30”, but baby boomers have revised that mantra to, “Never trust anyone over 90!” Just as those born after 1945 changed the landscape on every societal front in their heyday, they continue to be trend-setters in their second half of life:

• Compared to adults 18-39, middle-lifers describe themselves as feeling freer, more accomplished and successful.

• Studies have shown that those in their 50s to be more satisfied, stable, and, yes, happier than their younger counterparts.

• Interestingly, the “Me” generation accounts for the greatest number of individuals who do volunteer work.

• Being part of the “Sandwich Generation”- learning to balance the emotional, physical and financial challenges and obligations for aging parents, while at the same time responsible for children finishing school (or who are young adults not quite on their own).

• Just as multiple careers have become an accepted norm, phased-in or non-retirements and flexible work hours are becoming more common-due to choice, low savings rates, high divorce rates (accompanied by huge financial implications), and longer life expectancy, many of those in life’s midcourse choose to, or will have to have, a greater number of productive work years.

• Emphasis on looking good, eating well, exercising, pursuing things they are passionate about and enjoying what life has to offer have become de rigueur for middle-essencers.

• Feeling great and fueled by expectations to stretch out their mid-life years as long as they did their adolescence, a huge market has been created for cosmetic surgery, beauty and rejuvenation products, anti-aging drugs and nutraceuticals (foods and/or herbal or botanical extracts with medicinal and health benefits).

• Travelling on a frequent basis, and taking unusual vacations, often to exotic locales, has become a continuing rite of passage for both pre and post retirees.

• More available time to put emphasis on family and friends-made even easier by email, cell phones, etc.

And remember, taking action is the catalyst for change!

Nixing the Naysayers

Are you allowing others to regularly rain on your parade? Have all the negative reasons and responses to why your great ideas, plans, or dreams won’t work or aren’t practical too easily convinced you that “everyone” else must be right? Consider where these inventors, visionaries, scientists and artists (and the world without them), would have been if they didn’t believe in themselves and listened to popular “wisdom”?

• This 'telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as
a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us,"
-- Western Union internal memo, 1876.

• "Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible,"
-- Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895.

• "Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction."
-- Pierre Pachet, Professor of Physiology at Toulouse, 1872

• "We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out,"
-- Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962

• "Man will never reach the moon regardless of all future scientific advances."
-- Dr. Lee DeForest, "Father of Radio & Grandfather of Television."

• "There is no likelihood man can ever tap the power of the atom."
-- Robert Millikan, Nobel Prize in Physics, 1923

• "Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons."
-- Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of science, 1949

• "I think there is a world market for maybe five computers ."
-- Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943

• "But what is it good for?"
-- Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM, 1968,
commenting on the microchip.

• "640K ought to be enough for anybody."
-- Bill Gates, 1981

• "The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would
pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?"
-- David Sarnoff's associates in response to his urgings for investment in the radio in the 1920s.

• "The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a 'C,' the idea must be feasible,"
-- A Yale University management professor in response to Fred Smith's
paper proposing reliable overnight delivery service. (Smith went on to found Federal Express Corp.)

• "I'm just glad it'll be Clark Gable who's falling on his face and not Gary Cooper,"
-- Gary Cooper on his decision not to take the leading role in "Gone With The Wind."

• "A cookie store is a bad idea. Besides, the e market research reports say America likes crispy cookies, not soft and chewy cookies like you make,"
-- Response to Debbi Fields' idea of starting Mrs. Fields' Cookies.

• "If I had thought about it, I wouldn't have done the experiment. The literature was full of examples that said you can't do this,"
-- Spencer Silver on the work that led to the unique adhesives for 3-M "Post-It" Notepads .

• "Drill for oil? You mean drill into the ground to try and find oil? You're crazy,"
-- Drillers who Edwin L. Drake tried to enlist to his project to drill for oil in 1859.

• "Stocks have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau."
-- Irving Fisher, Professor of Economics, Yale University , 1929.

• "Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value,"
-- Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, Ecole Superieure de Guerre, France ...

• "I don't know what use any one could find for a machine that would make copies of documents. It certainly couldn't be a feasible business by itself."
-- the head of IBM, refusing to back the idea, forcing the inventor to found Xerox.

• "The abdomen, the chest, and the brain will forever be shut from the intrusion of the wise and humane surgeon."
-- Sir John Eric Ericksen, British surgeon, appointed Surgeon-Extraordinary to Queen Victoria 1873.

• "There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home."
-- Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977.

Need I say more?

And remember, taking action is the catalyst for change!