Thanks for visiting. You can now see all updated, better than ever posts on my re-launched blog at:

http://happinesshopeorhype.com/

I look forward to your comments and suggestions.

Reaching Your Outer Limits

Reaching Your Outer Limits

Change is often scary, while the familiar is comfy, but rarely exciting, inspiring or earth shaking. Do you find yourself talking about altering your life style, habits and patterns, but rarely taking the necessary steps to make it happen?

If you feel it's time to budge a bit from your comfort zone, it may be easier than you think:

• Innovate – establish yourself as the source that others come to for suggestions, interesting ideas, and a purveyor of knowledge, willing to share your wisdom, information and expertise.

• Welcome change – whether it's as mundane as trying a new restaurant or a bolder move like starting a new career.

• Weekly commitment – choose one thing that you're usually stymied by, break it down into smaller, manageable tasks, and just do it!

• Mini retreats – take daily 5 minute mental vacations. Visualize a place you've visited, would like to visit, someone you love to be with, or something you enjoy doing and delight in imagining yourself in this situation.

• Read, read, read – knowledge is indeed power and information about a variety of subjects makes your opinions interesting, inspiring and sought after.

• Self limitation - what are the main things, in specific areas of your life, which are holding you back? Decide what concrete plans you can make to successfully tackle them.

• Rise at dawn – make a commitment to get up at sunrise one day a week and note how many additional things you can accomplish.

• The risk factor – when deciding about different courses of action to take, choose the more daring one. What was the outcome?

• A helping hand – extend yourself by volunteering, building a community (actual or virtual), nurturing diverse types of relationships and cultivating new associations (this is sure to be as beneficial to you as it is to others).

• Envisioning – try to visualize yourself as an explorer, finding out about the hidden treasures of your neighborhood, your family history, visiting foreign countries, etc.

And remember, taking action is the catalyst for change!

Hide the Remote

Couch potatoes of the world unite! Not to worry, they're probably too busy zoning out in front of the tube to make an impact on much of anything.

Results of a 30 year survey investigating individuals' happiness levels, which included 30,000 adult participants, noted that watching television may give immediate pleasure, but ultimately contributes to long-term dissatisfaction. Unhappy people, generally less connected to social supports and activities, watch 20% more TV, filling up their unwanted spare time (adding to the vicious circle of why they are unhappy).

On average, people (in the U.S., a bit less in Europe), spend 4-5 hours a day in front of the TV. By age 70, about fifteen years of life will be forfeited to channel surfing and watching the screen. What other things might be done or accomplished during that time?

• At the expense of REAL engagement - interacting with family and friends, sports, artistic endeavors, and intellectual pursuits stimulate and challenge the brain as opposed to an "activity" needing only passive "participation".

• Instant gratification –watching the telly requires no skills or effort and makes no demands; an understandable choice at the end of a hard day, but is there any enduring benefit?

• Whose reality is it - would the pull of reality shows or celebrity gossip programs be so mesmerizing if you were creating adventures, engaging in fun activities and expanding your own horizons?

• Addiction friction-has your allegiance to television (or the computer, etc.) caused rancor within relationships, with significant others in your life feeling your first (and lasting) love is electronic in nature?

• Vegging out – it's easy to eat (unhealthy) meals and snacks and drink in front of the TV, but the only exercise consists of lifting food from the hand to the mouth.

•Makes gratuitous violence acceptable and seemingly commonplace – additionally, those who watch a greater than average amount of television report feeling less safe and less trusting.

• Glorifies materialistic values – while being encouraged to want more, comparisons to inflated lifestyles portrayed on screen contribute to viewers' lower levels of happiness.

• What's the message – whether visitor or host, if Big Brother isn't turned off while conversing with others, whose input is deemed more important and interesting?

• Stymies mental development – this is particularly true for children's intellectual development; in seniors, incessant TV viewing hastens attention and memory problems.

• Create your own station break – try no TV for a week or two (or a month). At the end of that time, list the things you were able to accomplish (and enjoy), by not being a viewer. Did you really miss it?

And remember, taking action is the catalyst for change!

Emotional Vampires

Psychological vampires don't suddenly materialize out of the pages of an Anne Rice novel, "Twilight", or an old Bela Lugosi flick. Masters (or mistresses), of the first five minutes, they often ooze charisma, displaying their charming, hypnotic side at will. These users may have a great deal of money, power, brains, beauty, or sexual allure (or a combination of these traits), but once caught in their enticing web, it's not quite so easy to disengage. They are experts in using others' foibles or insecurities to undermine and manipulate, establishing relationships by a facsimile of care, concern, cleverness and personal certitude.

A sub-title for this Tip could have been: "Narcissists I have known and (hopefully), not loved". If it's been your misfortune to be involved with these (thinly) veiled vampires, having an understanding of what's going on will aid (when necessary) in dealing with them:

• Litmus test – do you feel enhanced or diminished after speaking/being with them? If an all too familiar refrain is, "It's because I care", and you truly believe this manipulation, get feedback from friends, seek professional help, or trust your gut and head for the hills!

• Like having a relationship with the Gestapo - overly intrusive (constantly calling and needing to know where you are and what you're doing), suspicious, and (often) paranoid (quick to connect the conspiracy dots), and certain that everyone will take advantage of them.

• Friend of the week (or month)-few, if any, long-term friends, as this psychological terrorist changes the rules capriciously; quickly casting aside family or friends for insignificant infractions.

• Holier than thou – minor mistakes are seen as indicators of disrespect, contempt, or disloyalty, yet demanding absolute fealty from others; self-righteous assertions that their actions are based on "higher" principles.

• No slight is too slight - nurtures each injury (real or imagined) and insult, keeps constant score and expertly makes a mountain out of every minute molehill; since they see themselves as "special and unique", anything less than adoration is unacceptable.

• Divide and conquer –professional isolators, who try to separate their victim from healthy relationships, minimizing contact in order to be "numero uno" in every sphere of the other's life.

• Compassion is MIA (Missing In Action) - the hallmark of a narcissist is a lack of empathy toward others; examine deeds, not words, as they have little or no personal insight and are unlikely to change or learn from past mistakes.

• Divas, prima donas, drama queens (or kings) – histrionic vampires (an especially exhausting bunch), mutate every situation into melodrama, sucking the life out of those close to them, or those in their thrall.

• Rages running rampant – impossible to second-guess what will make them angry, but their tantrums or verbal assaults are often successful in getting others to submit to their whims and desires.

• Do fence them in – boundaries are particularly essential with extreme egotists, as they will readily try to draw you into their disputes and crises; being knowledgeable and clear-sighted about their behavior helps in remaining calm, cool and collected when interacting with them.

• Professional pitfalls - when at work, limit contact as much as humanly possible, using a tone of voice, body language and conversation that is polite, but clearly conveys that it's information, not a friendship, that's needed. When the vampire variety is a boss, carefully choose your "battles", strategizing how best to accomplish goals.

• Just say "No" to shtick - choose not to reinforce their behavior or feel guilty over their hurt feelings. Once you are seen as someone who can't be easily manipulated, they will move on to their next victim.

And remember, taking action is the catalyst for change!

Healthy Guilt

It's time to rehabilitate guilt, not the excessive, all-encompassing kind, but "healthy" guilt that provides a failsafe device against wrongdoing. We all feel guilty at times, , which is not necessarily a bad thing, as it prevents inappropriate conduct, or spurs us on to correct mistakes and unacceptable behavior. Sometimes, guilt can also provide a needed emotional jolt, signaling that a change has to be made in actions, lifestyle choices, or routines.

Distinguishing between ever-present guilt (feeling terrible about what you have or haven't done) and shame (feeling awful about who we are) is essential, but it is a clear-sighted moral compass that signals when something hurtful, neglectful, or thoughtless has been done and gives us the nudge to alter the situation(s).

What would it be like to "unshrug Atlas", so that the weight of the world is not on your personal shoulders? Where do you rate on your internal "guiltometer"?

• Flexible vs. guilty conscience – substituting forgiveness for self-deprecation by accepting mistakes and imperfection (yours or those of others), and taking the responsibility for rectifying those errors.

• Toxic guilt – evaluate those situations and relationships that engender an all-pervasive feeling of self-judgment or wrongdoing, even when no actual wrong has been committed; healthy guilt is internal, not the result of manipulation.

• You should stop "shoulding" on yourself – rather than enumerating the things you didn't do, keep the things you like about yourself in the forefront of your mind; challenge your irrational beliefs so that your assessments are based upon rational thinking.

• Give up agonizing over "What if ___________", and substitute the more productive, "What will I do now?" You can't change the past, but you CAN positively impact the present and the future.

• Make amends – we've all made thoughtless comments or done things of which we're not particularly proud. An apology, regardless of the amount of time that has elapsed, can prove to be very cathartic (whether done in person, the phone, or in a letter), for both the offender and the "offendee".

• Unresolved issues – tend to crop up again and again. A realistic understanding is needed to comprehend and then remedy these underlying apprehensions, prioritizing the steps necessary to mitigate them.

• Feeling beholden – debts, whether financial, social, professional or as favors owed, often go hand in hand with feeling guilty about their attendant obligations. What actions can you take which will relieve and remedy those feelings of discomfort and indebtedness?

• Saying "yes" when you want to say "no" - others WILL survive if you politely decline a request and set clear boundaries about which things you are willing to do. Why give others the power to determine what behavior is legitimate for you?

• The "Blame Game" - feeling compelled to hold yourself (or others) responsible for all that goes wrong and "knowing" you're culpable when it cannot be remedied. An attitude adjustment toward viewing mistakes as learning opportunities and ceding your role as the ultimate "fixer" is definitely liberating and less stressful.

• Overly responsible, conscientious and sensitive – sure that you are THE one to set things right, and when this doesn't work out, left with an over-arching sense of guilt. A high price is paid by confusing a sense of omnipotence with reality.

• Guilt-free zones – whether in particular areas of your house, office, or outdoors, set aside those spaces (and times), in which no guilty thoughts are allowed to take up residence in your mind.

And remember, taking action is the catalyst for change!

Quelling the Quick Fix

Our "hyperculture" (the high speed atmosphere of the internet, email, cell phones instant messaging, etc.) has propelled impatience to an art form, further elevating expectations that things be done instantly, if not "yesterday". While there are incredible benefits from technological advances (hard to imagine life without our computers and on the spot communication), the expectations of instant gratification often leads to stress, disappointment and anger when things aren't done immediately or perfectly.

Here are some ways to "savor the moment", rather than aiming to get even the enjoyable things (including your life!), over and done with as quickly as possible:

• Mindfulness-focusing and giving full attention to one thing at a time; not being consumed by future plans and events without really experiencing the present.

• Racing against the clock - scurrying around without noticing, without really interacting - stop and appreciate commonplace occurrences or take time to get to know someone better. What do you believe would actually happen if you slowed down?

• Instantaneous decisions – drawing conclusions before taking the time to gather the necessary information and refusing to veer from that position. What might happen if the decision was reversed after more information was brought to light?

• Fast food fixes – gulping down meals on the run rather than regularly enjoying leisurely repasts is certain to minimize tastiness and maximize digestive problems.

• Information overload – pare down the amount of email, articles and periodicals (sent or subscribed to), to give yourself time to absorb, and understand and remember the material you really need.

• "If this is Tuesday, it must be Paris"- even when on vacation, forgetting to relish the change of pace and scenery; it's unnecessary to be on a deadline to "accomplish" everything while on holiday – just enjoy!

• Irritable and incensed - when waiting for someone or something (traffic or a long super market line), or when interrupted while in the midst of a task, is a temper tantrum the response of choice? Will the speed at which something did (or didn't) occur actually matter in a week, month, or year?

• Perfectionist pitfalls - sometimes, doing things by halves is actually okay; substitute permission for anger when perfectionist ideals aren't met by yourself or others.

• Over committed and under appreciated - too many "irons in the fire" make it difficult to honor commitments. Under-promise before saying "yes" and examine the ramifications of your response; renegotiate or politely decline requests, suggest alternatives, or re-schedule.

• Pacified by sound bytes - news and entertainment that combines a speedy dose of flash, cash and trash. Choose to receive less information that is more in-depth.

• Tenacity triumphs – results aren't always immediate, so it's critical to "keep your eye on the ball", while remembering the importance of taking one step (or day) at a time; practice does make perfect in order to attain the desired goal or outcome.

• Hurry-itis" - living lives filled with manic movement and constant stress; rarely relaxing, yet feeling guilty and agitated when not working on something.

• The 10 minute breather – give yourself an extra 10 minutes to complete tasks rather than engaging in last minute hysteria because you're late or unprepared.

• Ignoring the importance of relationships – is more time, thought and effort put into work rather than family and friendships, rationalizing or trivializing the importance of warm and loving connections, celebrations, holidays and gatherings?

And remember, taking action is the catalyst for change!

My Mother's Maxims

In honor of Mother's Day (in the U.S.) on Sunday, May 10th, and in celebration of women's wisdom, I thought it most appropriate to once again share these maternal truisms:

In honor of my mother, still singing and dancing at 91, here's a Youtube video to commemorate her constant joie de vivre: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7EYAUazLI9k&annotation_id=72265&feature=iv<>/span>



Of all the things we're told by our mothers, there always seem to be particular axioms that are so imbued with eternal wisdom that they must be passed on.
Think of some of the invaluable sayings, mantras, truisms, etc. told to you by your mothers, which have had a positive effect upon your life.

Here are 2 of my mother's:

1."Whenever someone gives you a compliment, just say, "Thank you."
In other words, it's totally unnecessary to deflect the compliment, which:

•Discounts the opinion of the "complimentor"
.
•Doesn't allow you to take advantage of basking in the glow of praise and the wonderful feeling it brings. (It IS deserved because this is the assessment of the beholder!)

•Often stops you from readily complimenting others, as you've negated the positive feelings that being recognized engender.

2."Never point out your faults to someone else, as they're most noticeable ONLY to you!"

•It often sounds disingenuous to be too forthcoming in talking about your faults.

•It is off-putting and often makes others want to run for cover if you "spill your guts" too readily.

•It may give you pause to reassess what you have judged to be a fault.

Here are several contributions from readers who were kind enough to share their mothers' maxims.

Ofra K- My mom always says: "Each person has his/her own pleasures."
Meaning things are always a matter of personal taste and opinion and one should not be too harsh and hurried to make judgments.

Anat G.- "My mom used to tell me: "If you didn't use your brain, you'll have to use your legs" (freely translated from French...), meaning that if you
don't think or get organized, then you now have to run or walk more.
This has been so true! The good thing about it: there is another chance,
but it might take longer and more energy!
I sometime use it differently also, instead of using "electronic' ways
of communicating, I take my legs and go to the person I want to talk
to."

Shirley Z- originally conveyed to her by her late mother in Yiddish:
"As someone wishes you a good morning, you wish them a good day".
In other words, as someone behaves toward you, you reciprocate in kind.

O.K, so now that I've shown you mine, feel free to (share) show (email) me yours. Another possibility is to write down and then re-read those adages that are most important and meaningful for you and re-read them throughout the year.

And remember, taking action is the catalyst for change!